Planet Bwoi

Fatbwoi Live @ NB's 28021

2012-02-29T16:04:00.001-08:00

mahalo y'all!!

i hope the world is good with you...

took to the stage at NB's last night, to shake a lil' thang with the wildfire sessions crew...

its an ace venue, kind of a cross between a night club and a castle... my initial expedition to find the toilet resulted in me asking a member of staff for directions, then becoming confused when they contained stairs that i hadn't even seen...

opened with the more traditional one about chicken (hannah filmed it - its attached below), before bouncing off in the direction of evangelism and jazz hands...

stevie requested 'land of the dead', as he recently watched 'attack the block' (behr rude star!!) and told some of the people who were down with him all about it...

newbie 'bite me' sounded nice too... the lovely acoustics of the room really bought out the best in the fatbwoi brass section bit at the end... it was like having a quartet on stand-by... (or something)

in short i had a lot fun, and its safe to say that the thang was officially well and truly shaken...

wildfire sessions are always top nights, and big love and maximum thanks go out to stevie for inviting me down to play last night...

i'm not saying anything about the 'fun' i had trying to get out of northampton... its definitely up there with leicester, but as all good storytellers (and some hobbits) say... that's another story

peace-out y'all 8)

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Fatbwoi Live @ Broken Amp 270212

2012-02-29T15:30:00.002-08:00

word up you crazy cats!! how the devil is it going...?!

things are good one planet bwoi... a lil' crazy - but hey, we wouldn't have it any other way! there's been a couple of bursts of concentrated thang shakery in the last couple of days... and that always makes for happy time 8)

first up was some thang shakery on the hallowed boards of the broken amp...

also playing were Less For Murder, who opened the evenings proceedings with some dark melodic loveliness, a minor equipment malfunction, and some new material to boot... these are two cool cats (although i did think matt was considering battering the amp at one point!), but cool cats - trust me on this...

next up was the retinal circus, complete with pedals and crazy hat...

and then this one... with a request to hit the stage running, and a bit of caffeine in my system, i was easily ready for a bit of stompy goodness...

opened (perhaps controversially) with jazz hands, and kept the stompy vibe going straight into a 1-800/Love Once medley... always need a swig of something at this point...

really enjoyed playing hard... the middle eight on that is proper lovely pop, i may even have to extend it... the verse's are on the tongue-in-cheek nazty (yeah - with a z!) side - but that's how this cat rolls...

there was a bit of time for a burst of 'back in the day' (a lil' ATD/Ahmad inspired 'cover'), wherein the bwoi done rap about growing up in the MK, roundabouts and the like...

before closing on the one about the chicken...

it was beautiful hearing voices around the room joining in with the faux-french intro...

you gotta love that sh!t

it was a bit of a condensed set, hi-speed like they want the rail links, and not completely dissimilar to that double strength squash you get... but as any reader of this (generally quite random) blog will know...

it's all about the cherries and berries!!

peace-out y'all...

parva doodles on XRP...

2012-02-14T15:47:00.000-08:00

word up y'all!!

i hope the world is good with you...

unfortunately i didn't win the band vs. band feature on Gashouse Radio, which was a bit of a bummer, but i quite enjoyed listening to Only the Good and we definitely had some fun in the chat-room...

i did however pick up enough votes to get my tracks into rotation... so maximum thanks to everyone who voted bwoi!! dustin was well up for me sending some new tracks in too, so don't be surprised if you hear more fatbwoi over at http://www.gashouseradio.com 8)

'the patient' was played out on sunday night, in-between RHCP and artist of the week Boog - happy time

right about there, it got a bit freaky-deeky (in a good way)...

because at exactly the same time, it was playing out on XRP Radio too...

and i gotta give big props, love and thanks to those cats over at XRP for their constant support... they've been playing fatbwoi tracks since the release of 'Relentless', and on sunday they played out all of 'Parva Doodles'... hell yes

and dj tizzy, for one, especially seemed to dig it... dog food went down surprisingly well, there was a studio based rendition of the chorus after it had finished, and some crazy ideas for a video...

have to see how that one develops, but i'll tell you one thing for sure...

i'm keeping my clothes on this time!!

but seriously, i'm extremely happy with the way that 'parva doodles' has been recieved... there's been a lot of positive feedback across the board. i never expected it, given its roots as a studio 'doodle'...

thanks

gonna go and watch some near-naked-pleasure-future type sci-fi now, and talk to dudley (still not my cat) about that cat-fart type smell emanating from his general direction...

peace-out y'all 8)

Band vs. Band - Gashouse Radio 070212

2012-02-06T18:50:00.000-08:00

Band vs. Band

Fatbwoi vs. Only the Good

070212 - 17.00ET [22.00GMT]

http://www.gashouseradio.com

word up you crazy cats!!

tonight, 3 tracks from Parva Doodles will be featured on the Brain Office show, as part of the 'Band vs. Band' feature... its a kind of winner stays on arrangement, 3 tracks from each band are played back-to-back throughout the show with the artist receiving the most votes staying 'on' until the next show...

votes can be cast (for free) either via the website, or via iphone/android app...

and i may need one or two, as if they make it through tonight's show, the 'other' band will have won eight in a row, which i believe is a record...

so if you fancy tuning in, checking out some brand new alternative bwoi sounds, and maybe throwing a vote or two this way... that'd be most cool, and you know there'd be all big-love-atcha long time...

i'm looking forward to it...

peace-out y'all

The Patient (Cult of Wedge Mix)

2012-02-06T17:39:00.000-08:00

ever wonder what would happen if you routed the output of the oddities channel on the fatbwoi filter, through the retro-space age 'cult of wedge' machine...?!

well you crazy cats, you need wonder no-longer!!

that's right! there was a meeting of boffin's somewhere, probably in a hi-tech cave type set-up deep underground, and it is with great pleasure that i present to you the product of said meeting...

so without further ado, why not let the sound of fatbwoi vs. cult of wedge make happy in your ears... (i love that whole 'vs.' thing, and with us two involved there'd almost certainly be lightsabers...)

you can stream it, and download a plush wav version via this lil' widget thing...

a smaller, more portable, mp3 version of the file can be downloaded from bandcamp...

find out more about cult of wedge - here
hear the original version of the patient - here

peace-out y'all

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fatbwoi's essential money saving tips #1

2012-02-06T16:52:00.000-08:00

place a 7up bottle next to the fridge light to make your fridge/food look more futuristic/like its in the matrix...

2l blue sprite zero boxes can be used to create an early C21st 'future' effect... however the current trend is for blue LEDs, rather than dingy lighting...

PWYW - Pay What You Want Sale @ Bandcamp

2012-02-02T10:13:00.000-08:00

PWYW Sale @ Bandcamp

that's right you crazy cats! to celebrate the (pre)-release of Parva Doodles there's a Pay What You Want Sale on over at http://www.fatbwoi.bandcamp.com for the next 7 days...

put another way, for the next 7 days, you can choose exactly how much you want to pay for any of the 'paid' releases on bandcamp... there is NO minimum

included releases...

Parva Doodles - http://fatbwoi.bandcamp.com/album/parva-doodles

Love Once EP - http://fatbwoi.bandcamp.com/album/love-once-ep

Relentless [Fatbwoi 5] - http://fatbwoi.bandcamp.com/album/relentless

'Triple H' and 'Can You Hear Me Now?' are, as ever, available to download for FREE

for more information, check out http://www.fatbwoi.bandcamp.com

peace-out y'all

let's talk about plex baby...

2012-02-02T08:52:00.000-08:00

sorry, this reports's coming in a bit late...

but you know what the doctor said, time is not a straight forward a to b, its a complex wibbly wobbly mass of timey wimey type business... (and there was something else which i forget, but you get the picture) suffice to say, time is like jazz...

yeah, just like jazz...

went on a lil' road-trip on sunday night to see those top-types at the plex...

the aim? to do an interview and record a live video for my choice of tune... it was jazz hands.

the interviewer was the eve-lovely katy jay, and i had a lot of fun doing it... we touched on my plans for 2012, releasing parva doodles, where i like gigging, and my taste/background in music...

at that point i realised that's probably a whole interview in itself, and as its a question i get asked a lot, i think this is something i am gonna have to double back to...

like mastermind... but not

also learnt whilst filming, that chairs definitely aren't for me... in a sitting down whilst playing sense. which means for me to ever execute a 'stand-up for the key change' type manoeuvre i'm gonna need some of those 'pogo shoes'...

so maximum thanks to andy for having me down, and to katy, paul and pete for all their help...

i had a top evening, and some coffee too [after a while]... it was fun shaking my thang sans microphone on the psychedelic stage, can't wait to see how it all came out...

until the next time y'all... 8)

presenting... Parva Doodles

2012-02-02T08:51:00.000-08:00

PRESENTING, FOR YOUR THANG-SHAKIN' ENJOYMENT...

a deep grooving dirt-funk alt-pop collection...

(with a healthy slice stereo-randomness thrown in for good measure...)

Parva Doodles

the sound of the bwoi in the studio, complete with synths, distortion, harmonies, FX (pretty much the whole nine yards), and not a single acoustic guitar in-sight...

lashings of electric guitar though... and even *shock horror* a guitar solo(!!!)

having drawn comparisons to tom vek, beck (and even rizzle kicks*?!), parva doodles showcases a sound which, whilst very different to the typical stripped back fatbwoi sound, oozes with the fatbwoi vibe...

its upbeat, its anarchistic, organic, left-field, tongue in cheek, and above all... fun

full tracklisting...

1 - Tagbank

2 - Dark Fire

3 - Come On

4 - Dog Food

5 - The Patient

due for release mid-february via itunes, spotify and other major online retailers, pre-release copies are available direct via the magic of http://fatbwoi.bandcamp.com - complete with PDF liner booklet and hidden (bonus) track...

if you fancy seeing it live, discussions are under way about hosting a one-off 'spectacular' (the anti-luau) in birmingham during the summer... but that's a whole different blog - i'll keep ya posted!!

i hope you enjoy listening to it, as i much as i enjoyed making it...

this is not the end of this parva-business... 8)

peace-out y'all

* this is true, totally random, but true...

21st Century Communication [Rogue River]

2012-01-28T18:20:00.000-08:00

you gotta love technology right?!

i mean true, the world is sadly STILL lacking hover-boards... but, well i'm actually gonna turn to a tweet that sums this up as well as i ever could...

and its funny that i should turn to twitter...

its a great tool, i can communicate any kind of brain-fart anywhere around the world... genius.

get a tweet of akira the don... day made.

earlier tonight, fresh after watching troll hunter, i sent a tweet about 'Rogue River', which i watched last week and in all honesty didn't rate very highly...

"Unlike Rogue River which i watched the other night, which was just draught up sh!t... #justsaying"

that's what i wrote...

despite the over-use of the word 'which', in all honesty that tweet is probably longer than any review i could be arsed to right about the film...

imagine my surprise when it was retweeted by the film's director...!!

who does seem to be a nice enough bloke...

but now i feel bad...

not because i said online that his film was sh!t, which it is... but rather that the tweet doesn't actually say what i wanted it to say...

i don't want him to have misinterpreted it as some kind of 'street' recommendation of his work... i genuinely think its sh!t...

i actually tweeted a clarification straight afterwards...

"last tweet should say 'straight up sh!t'... but 'draught up sh!t is an #autocorrect i can live with..."

but he never retweeted that, or even necessarily saw it...

had i known the original tweet would have reached out in such a direct way, i don't know if i'd have been as happy to live with the mistake...

autocorrect being another common feature in c21st communication, one which can be a cause of immense amusement...

but i don't want to get into that... just yet

peace-out y'all

Fatbwoi Live @ The Musician 260112

2012-01-28T17:33:00.000-08:00

word up you crazy cats!! how's it goin'...?!? all good i hope...

it was proper nice taking to the stage last night for my first gig of the year (and for a while too...) to shake some thang, and open up for the most-awesome magic tombolinos...

and that's not just because the stage is carpeted... (but whilst on the subject, it is a damn nice carpeted stage!!)

it was just nice to shake a lil' dust off the ole' dance moves, grease up the limbs, and play some musics... and i think all-in it went down pretty darn well...

as opening act, my set was quite compact... but i opened with the chicken, before going on to highlight my multi-lingual abilities by counting to six in german (and doing an impression of that bloke in fear factory)...

bullet was well received, i think everyone was happy that (it being january) they didn't have to see me prancing around in the cape... it being january, i wouldn't want to be prancing round in the cape!!

it is a proven fact that leicester is unprepared in-case of zombie apocalypse, and there for it was my preordained civic duty to play Land of the Dead... one day, that song could save your life!!

all-in, a really good night... i really enjoyed it!! and the magic tombolinos were proper jazzed out and awesome...

big love too, to the crazy cats who came out to shake some thang - made my night!!

so, until the next time...

peace-out y'all!!

being busy... [contrary to popular belief]

2012-01-23T19:24:00.000-08:00

word up y'all!! i hope the world is good with you...

just wanted to let you know, that i have been most busy over the last couple of weeks... and not just sitting in the dark in a deep funk about the lame shape of megatron's head...

there's some really cool (and slightly out-there) stuff planned for 2012, i'll have some exciting news on new developments soon - all in, i think its gonna be a blinding year...

there has been recording, writing, mixing... updating, and all kinds of technical tomfoolery... all the details will become clear with time, but here's a lil' look-see at a few of the early ones...

first up is the new-look http://www.fatbwoi.com which has been given a bit of a spring clean/new wardrobe... the new menu is easier to navigate, and there's some secret stuff hidden around the site which can only be found by clicking on pictures and links...

the plan is to add more of these quite soon, once everything's up and running...

so if you haven't been over for a while, then there's no better time than now to go and check it out!!

also there's a couple of new ways to get your bwoi fix...

http://fatbwoi.tumblr.com - lies somewhere between the micro-weirdness of twitter, and the full-on randomness here on planet bwoi... mostly pictures, retro toys, comics, computer games and general brain candy i find whilst searching the web...

and

http://fatbwoiaudiodepository.tumblr.com - blog style audio depository... a bit like delving into a bag of sweets at the cinema as, if you hit the random button, you're never quite sure what you're going to get. there'll be some exclusive stuff posted on here, as well as all the old/new favourites, so keep checking back and sampling the musical tidbits...

peace-out y'all

megatron's head...

2012-01-23T18:58:00.000-08:00

yes, it would appear that i am STILL going on...

further to earlier megatron's head related rant, there is no way that you can tell me this its an appropriate head for the ultimate bad-ass decepticon leader...

this ultimate bad-ass decepticon leader...

with this head...

yeah right... that's just cracked off!

lets be honest about this, it looks like the weight of his head is going to pull it over to one side at any minute... either that, or he is wearing an ultra-hard-wearing granny hood...

i'm not overly fussed on the pattern either, but am willing, on this occasion, to let it slide...

especially when we take into the consideration the body that it was put upon...

indeed...

it truly beggars belief...

but, on the plus side, it does reinforce my 'pop' theory about how kids perceive cool...

"ain't no kid wants to be luke skywalker"

and

"there's a reason all the kids had optimus prime"
(and its nothing to do with mispronouncing it octopus!)

i think its pretty self evident, but if its not, the best way to get an in-depth explanation is to track me down and get me wasted... its like proper pop headology (or something)

i promise to lay off the megatron for a while...

peace-out y'all

vote bwoi

2012-01-12T12:42:00.000-08:00

word up you crazy cats!! how's it all goin'...?!

need to ask a small favour... can i tempt you into voting for me to support graham coxon on tour?!

all you need to do is click this link, http://t.co/K3JgFjPo ...and log in via your facebook or twitter! its dead simple, and it would mean the world to me! i think graham coxon is the bomb, and the opportunity to support him...

well, i don't think i need to finish that sentence!

i hope the world is good with you...

big love

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NEXT GIG 260112 - supporting The Magic Tombolinos, @ The Musician

2012-01-11T13:55:00.000-08:00

word up you crazy cats!!

how's the world with you...

its just over two weeks to my next gig, supporting The Magic Tombolinos @ The Musician in Leicester. Fay Brotherhood is playing, and all in promises to be a quality night of music....

personally i'm proper excited about it...

as rob brydon put it, "they do do energetic... they do nuclear"

this is gonna rock...

tickets are £7adv and can be ordered via this handy link - wegottickets

why not c'mon down - shake some thang?! 8)

from megatron, to galvatron...

2012-01-11T13:45:00.000-08:00

megatron is a pretty bad ass dude...

bit of a tendency to cut and run, and not so good at choosing lieutenants... but savage, merciless and cruel nonetheless...

in comparision, prime is a bit of nancy.

its like that whole "no kid wants to be luke skywalker thing", prime is cool, but he is the robotic equivalent of a farm boy...

megatron has a big cannon... mounted on his arm

he transforms into a gun, which is too large for any transformer (including metroplex, the uhm,... city-sized transformer) to actually use... in terms of the G1 toys, the scaling's a bit off...

and the G1 toy's robot mode does look clunky and lame...

i think this, and the fact that he transforms into a gun, maybe partly to blame for why so many of my friends had their own optimus prime... he transformed into a truck, with a lil' scooter and a robot (with missles and a bendy bit) in the trailer...

but megatron is a bad ass mo-fo, and transforms into a godamn gun...

BOOM!

so, obviously i was a little concerned when, having had a bit of a ruck with prime and essentially fallen off a high balcony, he was thrown outta the back of astrotrain as deadweight in deep space...

astrotrain says there was too much weight...

i say astrotrain wasn't trying hard enough!!!

then along floats unicron, and remodels our apparently 'unhealthy' bad ass mofo into galvatron...

some kinda megatron-sqaured, well there was a grid involved...

and galvatron, yeah... he's pretty bad-ass...

once more with the shoulder cannon, he even transforms into a cannon...

quite a bad-ass one too, as he manages to atomise the newly crowned decepticon leader, starscream (who else) with one neatly placed shot...

he's clearly got some issues, and for what he may have lost in mercilessness he has easily gained in brain-bubbles...

he's some kind of deep allegory as he struggles to directly take on his own creator/god, even though this omnipotent being is capable of interfering directly with his inner workings...

and that takes balls...

now, i was too young to realise that this transformation, and indeed the movie were all part of a cynical marketing ploy... a smoothly executed ploy, much less rushed than the year on year compulsory brand expansions we're plagued by now...

but it was plausible. whilst the toy version of megatron was quite lame, and definitely dated, the animated megatron was truly timeless...

galvatron seemed a reasonable update, more streamlined, more colourful and with angled pointy bits on his head... definitely more futuristic...

the animated galvatron (occaisionally needed a darker face) was one you definitely felt was going somewhere... and if not equal to his predecessor, at least more fit for the job than starscream...

but somehow with the toy, the impossible was achieved...

it was actually worse than the original megatron toy... pointy head bits gone and replaced with crenellations that give the look of a crown...

he transforms into a gun... straight out of some disco-nightmare barbarella...

i mean really, what self-respecting leader of all things evil would transform into such a lame retro-future zap gun?!

so we learnt that it was probably better to play G1 transformers without the leaders (don't get me started on ultra magns), pretend like they're on some sort of secret mission, or they've been kidnapped or something...

we learnt that the more 'futuristic' the transformer, the more likely it was to have some kind of nodule on its head...

we learnt that some transformers were just better left drawn, or animated, as cheap production limited our leaders awesomeness...

through this we learnt that galvatron always stayed a lil' quirky...

and of course, it was galvatron's 'issues' eventually brought about the end of the world...

but that's a different story...

one in which bad-ass megatron, and crazy mo-fo galvatron exist at the same time...

and that, is the way i like it

tagbank

2012-01-02T15:46:00.000-08:00

word up you crazy cats!! y'all good?!?

it would appear that the time for 'Parva Doodles' is nearly upon us! (oh yes indeedy!)

yup, there's been a whole lot of mixing down here at culture corner, and i think i'm just about ready to unleash my baby into the world...

best billed as - "the answer to a question nobody asked...", i promise to provide a more in-depth (and indeed clear) explanation very soon, but for now that's as good a starting point as any...

so without further ado, ladies and gentlemen i present to you a sneak preview (the opening track, in fact) from the forthcoming 'Parva Doodles' EP...

coming soon to speakers near you...

peace-out y'all

#still_not_my_cat

2012-01-02T12:41:00.000-08:00

i don't actually own a cat...

no really...

i used to live in a house with a lot of cats...

but since then i have pretty much always not had a cat...

its a condition that i've got quite used to living with...

so imagine my surprise on coming downstairs to find the portal to 'culture corner' closed, actually that's not the surprising bit - that happened afterwards... and upon opening said portal, being greeted with the sight of dudley (still_not_my_cat) indulgently licking his balls on my sofa...

never has a cat looked more at ease, more pampered, more relaxed...

this cat doesn't care where i'm meant to sit, oh no, he's comfortable...

and that's all that matters!

but dudley, you're STILL not my bloody cat...

you don't live here...

you don't appear to be taking over my twitter photo-stream...

see, its not just a random collection of pictures of you in my house (where you don't live) and cubase screenshots (although i have been mixing quite a bit recently... more on that later)

and i have never dashed back in through the front door in an effort to avoid you...

sure its a testament to cat intelligence that you have now managed to associate both the front and back doors with being my house, especially seeing as its not your bloody house...

you're pretty good at playing scarf outside when its cold, i have never know a cat so ready to jump on on someone's shoulders and keep their neck warm...

but your hugs are a bit 'no-one loves me' and sub-standard - must try harder!

although at the end of the day, you're still not my cat...

and you're sitting in my seat...

some dates for your diary...

2012-01-01T08:46:00.000-08:00

word up you crazy cats!!

that's right... i'm back! and in line with both my civic and legal duties, i gotta give you a lil' heads up on some of the dates already in the diary for 2012...

you see, 'the powers that be' dictate that i must warn y'all as to where and whence i am to be found... i don't think they like me, but, when it all comes down to it, what the hell do they know anywho?!

these are the places i'll be... can't wait to see you there...

first gig of the year is January 26th, supporting the most-excellent gypsy rock/jazzer types 'The Magic Tombolinos' at The Musician in Leicester... fay brotherhood is also playing, and i reckon all in this is going to be a stellar night... really excited about this one!!

and my love for the broken amp boy's is one of the greatest loves in modern literary history...

THURS JAN 26th - The Musician, Leicester
- supporting The Magic Tombolinos £7adv/£9otd - get tickets

MON FEB 27th - Broken Amp @ The Adam and Eve, Birmingham

TUES FEB 28th - NB's, Northampton

peace-out y'all

Godt Nytår you crazy cats!!

2012-01-01T04:19:00.000-08:00

Godt Nytår you crazy cats!! this one goes out to everyone who came down to shake some thang, sang along or even just hassled my ass online... thank you!!
i got some some crazy sh!t planned for 2012 and i can't wait to see some of you cats at the party - is nice... happy time 8)

i've got one of those... only bigger!

big love from fb and the amazing frau linenwrecker (without whom so lil' would be possible), coming right out of your computer and into you face... yummy!! i will start divulging soon... (eeeew... sounds oozy)

until then, big love y'all...

peace-out 8)

that book...

2011-12-28T15:02:00.000-08:00

i finished that book...

the one that took 300 pages to get good.

it didn't burn itself out...

quite the opposite in-fact... the tension was continually cranked up, and the story itself continued developing right until the end...

and then some seriously fantastical sh!t happened real quickly, was kind of brushed over, and we hit the epilogue...

seriously, wtf is with that?

hack out some of your bibbly description of the WI countryside, and hit me up with more of the flame-throwing rings and mutant supernatural bad guys...

its like peter jackson's lord of the rings all over again... they could have largely hacked out most of the first movie... "yes, new zealand is beautiful... wow, there really is some rugged scenery... with some hairy-footed people walking on it"... cut-out some of that business, make up the rest of the time with cool as you like slo-mo fx shots...

or remember that the trilogy rocks in at over 9 hours long, and just trail a bit on the cutting room floor...

i always liked the 1978 animated version... 'sa bit dark and everything. the orcses are proper random and a bit spooky...

i especially liked the version i had recorded on VHS (complete with spongey box bold adverts) where the channel four announcer pointed out they'd never had enough money to finish the project and filled we, the viewers, in on the remainder of the story line before the credits had even finished...

now that's story-telling...

two beings out of time...

2011-12-28T14:45:00.000-08:00

the moment that started the end of not just our world, that of quintessa (not such a bad thing... esp as it happened a long time before the destruction of earth), but also the end of time itself...

two beings 'out of time' having travelled back from the year 2008 to seek out galvatron (also from 2008), and having by-passed the usual one for one exchange principle by which radical time-travel is regulated, the death of cyclonus years before he was even created was too much for the delicate fabric of space-time which ruptured...

but that's alright, because time-travel is not possible...

oh wait...

CERN broke science (twice), and doctor cox could only explain the first event away as 'mis-calibration'...

oh no...

and, perhaps most disturbingly of all, it seems to have seriously 'messed with the processes' of the uber-cool cyclopean transformer shockwave...

and that's just not cricket at all...

not getting eaten by bears...

2011-12-13T18:44:00.000-08:00

following the whole 'Bullet' experience, i think its safe to say that i don't always have the best time of it when it comes to woodland... (but really... how the hell does a mermaid get up in a tree anyway?!)

but i'm aware that this is my dysfunction, and as such have been taking steps to tackle it...

one such step was the scheduling of a photo-shoot with the lovely jo masey, in that most dreaded of locations... nature.

my mission, was simply not to get dive-bombed by a mermaid...

one of the key differences between this and the bullet video being that this time i was dressed... the other, and probably most important was that this time i was armed... i had a guitar! this simple fact opens up two interesting possibilities in the event of mermaid/fantastical creature attack...

1. i could sing at them, hope that the dig the thang-shaking thing (it being a new sound completely unheard in their natural realm) and that i can distract them long enough for something shiny/not me to appear and catch their attention

2. use it as a club... although i love my guitar, so this is very unlikely... i could wield it and make like an angry gaz from supergrass (so i've been told) in the hope that they go away...

did i feel less 'safe' when my guitar was out of reach?

uhm, yeah... slightly

did i stop me from resting my ass up against a tree and getting down with some nature groove?!

hell no...

i was like [to the guitar] "you sit hear a sec while i space me out some jazzy beats..."

and there was this definite kind of jazz thing going down... well that, and a slightly disturbing feeling of unsure footing... that'll be the logs, and the chips, and the foiliage...

all in it was a lot of fun, you can view the full album via the magic of bookface, here...

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150407386988470.383327.15364453469&type=3

and just in case you're wondering what in the devil this mermaids and fantastical creatures business i keep going on about is, well, here's a lil' reminder...

if you go down to the woods today...

peace-out y'all 8)

presenting... "happy dragon starter platter"

2011-11-28T12:00:00.000-08:00

PRESENTING, FOR YOUR THANG-SHAKIN' ENJOYMENT...

AN UPBEAT IRREVERENT 'FATBWOI BOMB'

DISC-SHAPED, TO FIT NEATLY INTO YOUR HAND!!

(feat. the talents of - Baritone Bwoi, Stereo Omar ...and MORE)

9-TRACKS

from across the 'Relentless', 'Love Once', and 'Triple H' EPs

incl. Bullet, Love Once, The Soulcalibur Song and Forces

STRICTLY LIMITED TO 43 COPIES!!

each CD is individually crafted feat.

a hand drawn CD, and lo-fi monochrome liner...

presented in a brightly coloured fold-out wallet...

(5 colours available)

GRAB YOURSELF ONE OF THESE ULTRA-RARE BAD BWOI'S...
BY CATCHING THE FATBWOI LIVE - £3
or
ORDER ONE BY POST, BY EMAILING HERE - £4.25 (inc p+p)

full tracklisting
1. Love Once

2. 1-800

3. Mailman

4. Forces

5. Evil Plaque

6. Here Come The Spider People
7. Love Once [Fatbwoi 5]

8. The Soulcalibur Song [Fatbwoi 5]

9. Bullet [Fatbwoi 5]

'HAPPY DRAGON STARTER PLATTER' IS ONLY AVAILABLE ON CD

***update... only 41 copies of this CD remaining... get yours now!!!***

***UPDATE... less than 30 copies remaining... get yours now!!!***

reading a book...

2011-11-24T13:50:00.000-08:00

i am reading a book, that has taken 300 pages to get good...

the first 300 aren't bad, they're just a preamble to the bit where it gets good...

its all right though... there's over 500 pages left...

let's hope it doesn't burn itself out to quick now eh?!

squash 2...

2011-11-23T18:05:00.000-08:00

the squash is back...

in a bigger bottle...

same destructions...
(for simplicity's sake)

however the serving suggestion is still sadly missing...

pretend rice krispies should be served with milk... and an owl.
(that's what it says on the box)

(don't argue with the box man...)

discography (releases like buses...)

2011-11-21T14:30:00.000-08:00

word up you crazy cats!!

there's a whole bunch of random fatbwoi music floating out and about in the world of cyberspace... usually random demos, radio appearances and such-like... there's been very little out there for the discerning listener to download...

i've been questioned several times as to when i'm going to release something, and let it not be said that fatbwoi release's are like buses, it definitely wasn't a case of nothing for ages and then three turn up at once...

honest...

so without further ado, here is -

the official fatbwoi discography (with links)

'Love Once' EP (05/09/2011)

1. Love Once

2. 1-800

3. Mailman

4. Forces

5. Evil Plaque

download it via itunes
or alternatively you can...
download it via bandcamp (cheapest)
stream it via spotify

'Triple H' EP (04/09/11)
1. Hard (Demo Mix)
2. Higher Level (Demo Mix)
3. Here Come The Spider People

download it for FREE @ bandcamp

'Can You Hear Me Now?' double A-side (01/09/11)
1. Intro
2. Can You Hear Me Now? (Acoustic Version)
3. Can You Hear Me Now? (Original Version)

download for FREE @ bandcamp

'Relentless' EP (08/04/10)
1. Love Once
2. The Soulcalibur Song
3. Bullet

available for download @ bandcamp (name your own price... including FREE!)

the vast majority of these tracks, and some other random ones, are available to stream via the magic of...

http://www.reverbnation.com/fatbwoi
(avec gig dates, pictures and other such use(less) information)

or

http://soundcloud.com/fatbwoi

"opal fruit music for a starburst world" - happy time

new date - Broken Amp 12/12/11

2011-11-21T13:18:00.000-08:00

that's right you crazy cats...

there's a new date for your diary... the bwoi will be shaking that thang for your delectation live at broken amp (Mon - 12/12/11)...

we gonna party like its nearly a date that has three occurrences of the same number... (or alternatively pretend its next year and the felicitous arrangement of digits is already upon us!!)...

more details via this lil' bookface link...

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=121256217986371

see you there...

computron is such a dick...

2011-11-20T10:53:00.000-08:00

computron is such a dick....

let's face it, by the end of G1, transformers was getting a bit confused... there were firecon's, seacons (fish decepticons), pretenders, little mini car guy's that shot sparks outta their asses...

not to mention headmasters, targetmasters and powermasters...

i have to admit that, at the time, i thought the headmasters and targetmasters were quite cool... two robots in one, and BIG guns - the toys were quite cool... the idea was a bit weird, why would you want to get engineered, don armour, and become a big robots gun?!

and by the same premise... who the hell would want to be a powermaster? get yourself engineered into a suit and become a giant robot's battery...?! uhm,... what-now?!

its fair to say that in the end, it did all get a bit 'gimick-y'...

the first real gimick was the combiners, and some of the early one's were quite cool... (there was maybe an issue with scaling, motormaster was supposed to be the same size as optimus prime, but was like some kind of mini-truck, out of scale with every other transformer in existence) ... there was bruticus, defensor was quite cool cos he had blades on his arm...

devastator...

then a few sh!t ones...

a return to form with the predacons... i loved the g1 predacons, they combined in a way the dinobots always should've, but didn't...

but even this gimmick lost its cool eventually...

i mean, just what in hell is going on by the team we get to the seacons... they're a bunch of fish... and computron, wel...

i guess i even get the gimmick with fish... the decepticons were going quite 'animal' at the time...

but computron is just a massive nerd, made from futuristic looking vehicles (his arm is something akin to a tron cycle, and there's some kind of guns at the front plane)...

so the decepticons go a bit primal... the autobots just create the next super-nerd in (let's face it) a long line of super-nerd's including perceptor and c3-po... well ok that's not true, but he might as well be...

scoot! oh yeah, well hard probability boy...

personally i think i'd prefer it if super intelligent grimlock had stuck around... it would have been funny to watch the technobots get whooped as he did, as without the upload they were pretty darn useless...

what i never understood as a kid, was why all the leaders of the combiner teams used to go to the trouble of indentifying each member of the team clearly, and then stating the name of their combined form... i get it now, the whole advertising angle...

but as a kid i used to just think "if you spent less time clearly identifying each other, and rabbiting on the problem with which you are about to deal would already be solved!"

... "surely you know the name of your combined form... you must have done it hundreds of times before..."

"don't call me shirley..."

"oh! uhm,... ok then..."

fatbwoi @ reverbnation

2011-11-19T17:38:00.000-08:00

feat. some of the latest greatest tunes - straight off of planet bwoi...

direct to the comfort of your own home

that's right you crazy cats! with this funky lil' widget you can shake your thang

to tracks off the 'Love Once' and 'Triple H' EP's...

the acoustic and rap-rock versions of 'Can Your Hear Me Now?'

(lifted straight from the double A-side thingy...)

...and MORE!!!

just kick back, don your favourite pair of slippers and let your thang do the work...

you can even download free tracks from this magical lil' widget... happy time

more information and bwoi related goodness - http://www.reverbnation.com/fatbwoi

fatbwoi downloads via http://www.fatbwoi.bandcamp.com

band for the day 161111

2011-11-16T12:34:00.000-08:00

presenting (via the magic of http://wwwbandfortheday.com)

...your 'Band For The Day' 16th November 2011 -

Fatbwoi

so if you found yourself with a mysterious hankering for some bwoi-ton tunes today, its probably subliminal microwaves transmitted from the internet via a wide variety of tele-communication and computing devices...

(or something...)

i even won a prize... a golden amp!! or more accurately, a winners 'badge' for my website complete with WWFC style old-gold (orange) lettering - i likes orange i does...(this came bundled with the knowledge that should i win band for the day two more times, i'll be inducted into the BftD Hall of Fame - which has rather a nice ring to it, don't ya think?!)

so humpday actually sprang an ok surprise... (although there was an extremely limited range of noodles in tesco's, but we'll leave that for another time...)

although don't in any way feel that listening to bwoi tunes is any less of an enjoyable experience on days that are not the 16th of november... i'll bet it would make your thang shake just the same on the 17th and 18th too!! why not try it?! its a lot less hassle than those derren brown hypnosis 'experiments'...

http://www.facebook.com/fatbwoi.13

http://www.fatbwoi.com

i hope the world is good with you...

peace-out y'all

the words in my dictionary...

2011-11-15T15:16:00.000-08:00

i've heard it said that you can tell a lot about a person from the words in their phone dictionaries... you know, the predictive text kind which i shall for sake of argument (and a distinct non-arsedness to just check google to see what it actually is) call T9...

tbh, i don't know if i've heard it said, or i just dreamed it in a dream (i've been having a lot of weird dreams lately)... but i'll bet its kind of fun...

thus, the words lifted from the previously-difficult-to-locate T9 dictionary (see previous blog) hidden deep within the bowels of techno-phone...

aiii

alrite

ass

bankrupted

blud

brum

chica

could've

Damn

damned

dem

Dons

Dudley

enunciate

ese

fatbwoi

Fiddy

fucking

Han

hippy

hombre

icthyologist

inabit

init

Irie

Jobi

lil'

Lil'

linenwrecker

Omar

Oooh

peng

playin'

reverbnation

shit

should've

snooze

suss

uhm

Umami

uni

... and there we have it, take from that what you will - right on 8)

squash...

2011-11-14T17:55:00.000-08:00

no added sugar
(cool)

improved! - now 30% more fruit juice
(ok, but its a new flavour... but then i suppose the fact that there is now a flavour implies that more fruit was used than before...)

cherries & berries squash - double strength
(hell yeah... concentrate it baby)

concentrated no added sugar apple, cherry, strawberry & raspberry juice drink with sweeteners
(hence the lack of extra sugar)

use half as much! 30+ servings
(wicked. now, how much was i supposed to use in the first place?!)

...
(serving suggestion is sadly lacking, but i bet it would go great on a roll with a bit of salad leaf... typical serving suggestions, that don't involve cereal, suggest that this is the normal way of serving everything...)

Dear Mr Clostermann...

2011-11-14T17:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr Clostermann,

how the devils be ye?! All good i hope...?!?

as you are aware, i recently purchased a techno-phone (one of those with a whole heap of technology that is probably capable of flying to the moon on its own, before plotting a second low-g launch and leaving us for mars...) which i have been having some 'moments' adjusting too...

the reason i have upgraded to such a technological marvel is complex and convoluted, and either based in a bunch of words that end in '...ivity', or some kind of mid-32 crisis, and for this reason i have decided not to explore them any further at this point...

the old 'touch screen-functionality' is something in particular i have been struggling with, although i do feel this may in part be connected to an age old memory of the 'search for books by sticking you greasy paws on the screen' machine that used to reside in CMK library... but i digress...

its mainly the getting it to type the word i actually asked it to type and not filling my t9 dictionary (predictive text being something i have avoided using on every other phone i have ever possessed) with random streams of letters and gibberish...

let us not mention the tweets involving the word "i'be", which whilst cute in its own kinda retro/ye-olde worlde way, is not something i would ever type... well certainly not with an apostrophe in it. "i are be not well" is a text i have sent this week, as is "i be king of the planets", note in neither case was an apostrophe deployed...

and this is where you come into the story... as you are aware, i did email you for advice on finding my dictionary, which after finding on the first day i had the phone had seemingly disappeared into a myriad of menus and button presses (including buttons which aren't actually buttons - most confusing)...

first i must thank you for your direction... it was clear, concise, and i managed to scrub some hideous amalgamations from my dictionary - good skills that man

secondly you made a recommendation, that i use swype... sent me a link and everything...

and this is where it all went a bit wrong... you see, you sent me a link for swype (one which i have since used, and dude "what a recommendation - thank you!!")... however my initial attempts to obtain this app were conducted via the medium of said techno-phone, which may in itself be foolish, but it lead me somewhere...

it lead me to a game called 'zombie swype'... and i think you know what happened next?! i saw the 'z' word, and we all know that i cannot be held responsible for my actions in the presence of the 'z' word...

so down it was loaded, unto techno phone...

and now i cannot stop playing it! i appear to have developed an addiction to poking zombies in the face... and watching them disappear...

i currently have the 3rd and 4th highest scores ever (there's only probably eight people who've downloaded it ever, or similar) and i have a feeling that 1st and 2nd will fall to me in the next 24 hours...

this game rules... its kicked a hole in my 'champ manager' addiction (if its good enough for plan b its good enough for me), but also appears to have curtailed the whole connectivity of techno phone as i am spending a large amount of time poking the living dead in the face...

if i put the phone down long enough, i may even complete the zombie trilogy with a song about the 'zombies that wolf gave me'...

so i must thank you once more for your most excellent recommendation... one i would pass on to all htc users with the words "thank wolf" (i told mel on saturday, she says 'thanks')... however should a the situation arise, can you please prefix (or suffix) the recommendation with

"go straight past the zombies, where available collect £200, but do not stop at zombie or else you will get very little done..."

i hope the world is good with you

big love

fatbwoi

the tree is on fire...

2011-11-06T05:27:00.000-08:00

the tree is on fire...

the helicopter is out...

the helicopter is not attending the tree fire, but rather hovering in an almost geostationary manner over what may be a lake, a road, or a big shop...

it has something to do with fireworks...

"i told you we shouldn't have buried that one"

oh yeah, you're proper hilarious you...

the helicopter is probably not over the stadium, it must be cheaper (although less portable) to use the in-house floodlights...

that would more 'sound' both economically and ecologically...

solar panels have improved the day-time efficiency of the local leisure centre, however year on year stats show a decrease in night-time efficiency that offsetting will not balance out...

i'm gonna walk to marks'... get me some smokes

which is both economically and ecologically sound...

the tree is on fire...

the helicopter is out...

Der Affe ist nicht unter dem Tisch

...is this thing on?!

2011-11-02T14:29:00.000-07:00

uhm,... hello?!

is this thing on?! are we hot?! ...good to go?!

cool.

i gotta apologise for the recent short-fall in blog delivery, there's been a few changes round here, and between one thing and another, i was forced to spend the last few months in a decompression unit at south mimms' services...

before we even get onto the connection, the facilities themselves were terrible... although there was admittedly no repeat of the northampton services sh!t mountain episode...

thank the maker.

i was however digging the oversize bwoi-ball vibe... like one of those gerbil balls, slightly more controlled than zorbing, considerably more sophisticated and cooler lookin'...

but i am back once again... with the ill behaviour, with the ill behaviour, with the ill behaviour...

the other night i spent over an hour wondering whether or not there was a cadbury's "screme egg" melting under my ass... turns out it wasn't, and it survived for a further 10 days (a record), before being munched by frau linenwrecker...

the green bit in the middle is a tad wrong, but not a patch on freaky fingers... there's some serious colouration issues going on there...

but nah, its all good... i'm putting the final touches to culture corner studios - output from which will be appearing soon, and working out some funky business for the end of this year into the next....

'sall lookin' good y'all

thanks for watching

peace-out!!

upcoming gigs alert... (avec le widget)

2011-08-27T19:05:00.000-07:00

the bwoi will be out once again in public, shaking that thang for your delectation...

and obviously in-line with my civic duty, i just have to tell you where... (its for your own safety, or somebody's safety, i forget...)

to this end, i have pasted this lil' do-hickey with big blobs on a map where i can be found...

that's proper 21st century and everything...

an in plain text that's...

28th August - Rhett Barrow's Album Launch, The Soundhouse, Lecicester

10th September - Artsfest @ The Flapper, Birmingham

11th September - Booze Fusion Festival 2011, The Vic Bikers Pub, Coalville

26th October - Rowell Charter Acoustic Club, Kettering

peace-out y'all

fatbwoi live @ worcester music festival 200811

2011-08-27T18:49:00.000-07:00

word-up ye crazy cats! how the devil's is it goin' with you?!

things are, as ever a bit mental on planet bwoi at the minute (although i should state for the record that there are of course different definitions of mental, and it hasn't quite got "don't blame me, blame the ice-cream" levels yet...)

bur the mental never gets in the way of the thang-shakery (although it has been said that the two walk hand in hand) and as such i did step out last week to wiggle it (just a lil' bit) at 'The Boston Tea Party' as part of Worcester Music Festival 2011!!

and i must confess to having had a most-excellent time...

car/parking-related shenanigans meant that i didn't get to catch those crazy less for murder cats whilst they were playing, but it was nice to sit and have a lil' chinwag in the chippy before my set/mooching back up to the venue...

(there was truly supreme toy-shop window en route too... i cannot tell you what was in it for fear of appearing more of a geek than i do now - but rest assured, it was cool)

the venue was top... it had an aeroplane stuck the ceiling, some properly yummy looking cake-age... like, uhm,... props and everything!!

opened with some chicken, lil' bit of tv evangelism, and had just got into discussing the whole running naked around the woods being chased by a bear thing, when the legend that is I've Been Dean (avec entourage) appeared at the door in his glowing daz white jeans...

from there on in, it got a lil' kooky... 8)

we had a bit of a party atmos going on... so the set list got a bit free and easy at the end! i felt bad because i had to deny a request for 'house of corpses' (its been too long since i played it, but i'll slip in sometime soon), but less bad at denying of for the song about the woman with a habit...

instead we settled for a quick burst of the krshna song... proximity to the godhead re-established, we got on with the party...

then in honour of the post-modern one (i.b.dean) i did me a lil' book-ending and closed with an exuberant burst of nandos...

went down a treat...

i even had a portugese dude telling me how his dad makes the best piri piri ever, i asked him to send me the recipe but i get the impression that it may be a 'family' secret, in which case i've asked if he can just send his dad...

no reply on that so far...

all in it was a really good night, met some top new people and got to touch base with some top older friends AND got to shake that thang...

what more can a bwoi ask for?!

(took me friggin' ages to find the car though...)

Love Once EP @ amazon

2011-08-09T05:05:00.000-07:00

word up you crazy cats!!!

most-excellent news... if alyson hannigan has forever altered your outlook on 'bandcamp', the Love Once EP is now available to download via the magic of amazon.co.uk!

or more specifically, this link...

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Love-Once-EP/dp/B005GI75YA/ref=sr_shvl_album_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1312888302&sr=301-1

happy time

each track can be downloaded individually for 79p, or you can download the whole EP for £3.95...

further-more, if you join my mailing list either via http://www.fatbwoi.com or http://www.reverbnation.com/fatbwoi - i'll make sure you get the same bonus material promised to the people of bandcamp when 'B.o.t.Q' is released...

right-on

chris's sexy dance... (& the roscoe experiment)

2011-08-06T13:41:00.000-07:00

word up you crazy cats... how's it goin'?! all good i hope...

here-in lies the answer to a question i'm pretty sure was never asked... that old doozy, what would happen if the bwoi downed tools and started making electronic music?! (and as questions go... that's pretty specific right about there...)

but there would be some sense in asking it... because before i got on this fatbwoi tip, i used to make electronic music under the guise of the roscoe experiment... kinda funky bigbeat/breakbeat largely based around a collection of samplers and the desire to shake some funky thang...

T.R.E started in 2004, and there's occaisional evidence that the experiments (of an unknown nature obviously) continue to this day... i can neither confirm or deny this...

one such piece of evidence would be the 'Chris's Sexy Dance' project (aka the monday night club)... rumour has it that each of these tracks were written and recorded in one night, across a series of mondays in the summer of 2009...

but that's just rumour... really, when it all comes down to it... who knows?

but its a dirty pleasure you can sample right about now thanks to the joys of bandcamp and the interweb...

the title track never actually made it onto the final release... but there is a video, hidden deep within the bowels of youtube... it features the magic cornflake box hat - which is, quite frankly, possibly the worst bit of stage-gear ever; and some snow...

in fact... here it be 8)

three's another two tracks, that are currently lost in the mists of time... an electro dub type thing, and some experimental electronica loosely based on dennis hopper's truck from land of the dead... with one night to write and complete a tune... things can get a bit strange...

so there you have it... the answer to a question that was probably never asked... and a lovely lil' bit of ear candy...

peace-out y'all

fatbwoi @ reverbnation

2011-08-05T14:13:00.000-07:00

word up you crazy cats...

just a quick one to let you now that there is now another place on the web where you can get your bwoi fix...

si senor y senoritas, it is now possible to keep track of the comings and goings of el chico gordo via the magic of reverbnation...

there's a page, here's a link and everything...

http://www.reverbnation.com/fatbwoi

its got a player, which currently features tracks off both the new 'Love Once' EP, and also from FB5's classic 'Relentless' EP... you can even see the naked-in-a-cape 'Bullet' video there too - happy time

there's a whole bunch of share-y business, a chart (i moved up a whooping 98k places globally yesterday - far out), and a large pile of other bwoi related goodness...

i'll be uploading some more goodies soon, i'm currently reeling from having moved my profile up from 17% complete to 94%... it would appear that the 90's numbers are really working for me about now...

so why not pop over and have a look see... it'll be fun 8)

another great feature is you can paste widgets with bwoi music on them all over the place... thus

and, as another happy bonus... my facebook page is now using the reverbnation player rather than the patchy facebook one which wouldn't let you skip through tunes, and was just a bit lame...

that's right y'all...

a shiny new player over at http://www.facebook.com/fatbwoi.13

the party is on this side of the car...

happy time

nice beard dude...

2011-08-05T13:33:00.000-07:00

well, it would appear to be back again...

yeah, the beard has returned...

and i'm not sure how...

i only realised when someone said to me last night "hey man, loving the beard dude!", i wouldn't say that i was oblivious up till that point, but it still hadn't fully registered...

hence my reply, with was received with much hilarity "nah man, its not a beard, its laziness... that's just where it grows", which it is... there is zero planning or preparation goes into this thing, it just does as it does...

but it never gets straggly until it has been identified as a beard... until that point the neatness of the growth seems inconsequential... the second that it is named beard bits appear to be sticking out, and it lacks shape...

i personally become very aware of the curly oil black fly hairs which grow in their own comb-over formation on me chin... it do find it a lil' disturbing that i can grow a (whole bunch of) hair that is that 'wrong'... bad times...

maybe i'll set the man strimmer on it... or do it like those posh gardener types with a tiny pair of scissors...

it feels weird when i sing and sweat into it... but i think it went well with the two-piece (they offset each other perfectly at the fb5 luau)...

beard (untrimmed), vein, and two piece @ fb5 luau - well complimentary 8)

but if i man strimmer it, what number to chose... do i want a 7 or a 5, which number did i assault the burns with last time... how hard to press... there's so many potential pit-falls

today i have mostly been worrying about my 'apparent' beard...

gigs in august

2011-08-02T14:23:00.000-07:00

word up ye crazy cats!! hows the devils is it goin'?!

i'm back once again, with both the ill-behaviour, and in line with my legally obliged civic duty to inform...

yes, there's gonna be some thang-shakery afoot during the month of august... and i just gotta take this opportunity to warn you about it... (or something) :P

i've also confirmed another night at the rowell charter acoustic club... 26th October, more details closer to the time - think i may just have to don something slightly more gormless than usual given the proximity to halloween... any excuse 8)

gonna be a good 'un...

so, gigs in august, and one in october...

Sat 20th August - The Boston Tea Party @ Worcester Music Festival

- taking to the stage as part of the worcester music festival, a whole host of quality musics presented over the weekend, and me... playing at the boston tea party (onstage @ 19.00hrs-ish)

Sun 28th August - The Soundhouse, Leicester (tbc)

- taking to the stage as part of my good mate rhett barrow's album release party... dedbeat melodies, proper quality cut by a quality musician... gonna be a good night with a whole host of quality music on display - happy time

Weds 26th October - Rowell Charter Inn Acoustic Club, Rothwell

- bustin' some moves and poppin' some grooves onstage again with the rowell charter crew... always a quality night, in a top notch venue... c'mon down - right on 8)

peace-out y'all

co-owner of a wok...

2011-08-02T13:50:00.000-07:00

yeah man...

i am now officially co-owner of a wok!!!

i've never been the co-owner (or sole owner) of a wok before... its quite a nice feeling really 8)

obviously i report that in purely scientific times, and for purely scientific reasons...

christened it last night too...

with the prawns (gotta love cooking prawns), the tomatoes, the mushrooms, garlic and wine - right on!! not the most stir-fry of meals, but enjoy cooking it in the wok did i...

linenwrecker enjoyed the results too... threw some stuff in a wok, sat down and had a munch together, one of those lovely moments where you know everything is gonna be alright...

and, to top it all off...

prawns go in grey

prawns come out pink

MAGIC WOK!!! 8)

tripping up over rizla

2011-08-01T11:51:00.000-07:00

you gotta feel the word as it lollops off your tongue...

riz-la

kinda silky, yet kinda awkward...

riz-la

that z, just crying out at the abuses against its human rights that force it to be a 'z' rather than a much free-er 'th'...

riz-la

like a name on the wind...

riz-la

waiting patiently to trip you up...

riz-la

now stand in a queue in a shop, mentally running through your shopping list to make sure nothing has evaded you and you return from the shops triumphant, a hero, a true being of the age...

riz-la

you have the milk, the stuff of the shelf of decay, maybe even a cheeky bag of skittles, all of these items you can purchase without ever actually having to say anything to the cashier (should the mood strike you)

riz-la

and now we come to the items behind the counter, the items you can't have unless you interact directly with the aforementioned cashier - the security packaged razor blades, the pokemon cards, the...

riz-la

and watch how you just can't say it without sound like you have just completely lost the ability to talk, you watch as that 'z' jabs its way toward being a 'th', your tongue gets fat, and you can't even begin to say the word correctly...

riz-la

a drunken slurring in the middle, a enforced linguistic abbreviation, i don't know what it is... but all the time in the queue, and any other time chatting with your mates - no problem

riz-la

but right here, right now... no-go

riz-la

and it sounds like you can't talk...

riz-la

and you just hope the cashier doesn't ask you to repeat yourself...

riz-la

fatbwoi live @ the sunflower lounge 230711

2011-07-28T11:55:00.000-07:00

word up y'all...

done did play me a lil' set on saturday night, downstairs at the sunflower lounge in central birmingham, where the air is hot and humid, and there is an interesting array of scaffolding and fairy lights...

although i think the more appropriate architectural term would probably be someting like 'feature'...

if ya wore it on your head, it'd definitely be a fascinator...

the occasion?! G (of mighty boomshadow fame)'s nth birthday, or 'living wake' as he preferable to call it... and i for one cannot think of a better reason for a bit of celebration...

G opened the evening's entertainment with a solo set, quality tunage delivered on his stratacoustic... and i haven't seen the big G t-shirt before, but i like it... i noticed that there were no covers in my man's set, but put it down to the shorter-sets-to-wedge-in-as-much-entertainment-as-possible nature of the night...

next up was the man-god dale perry, with a short solo set... haven't seen the man d play for a while, and i really enjoyed his set. i could still here some of the dub-no basslines i applied when i stood in on the four-string for 'I Am Locutus' at 2009's Worcester Music Festival... they probably didn't need that much dub at the time... but you can't stop a bwoi in full flow... 8)

g returned to the stage, backed by two guitars, a bass, and the living legend that is paul carroll on the skins... then delivered a supreme collection of (mostly) who covers... it was nice to see g letting his hair down, and busting some move sans guitar, and the PC groove machine in full effect is a truly excellent sight to behold, and i defy anybody not to shake their thang to his infectious rhythmic stylings...

and then i...

my man laurence (1k that's his name) welcomed me on with a properly heart-warming intro (thanks dude!!), and i was fully ready to 'do it to it'...

i played my set by request, it being G's birthday after-all!! this meant the order was a bit odd but all the goodies were there... opened with a jazz hands (my choice), and then deferred to the birthday boy...

there was some CYHMN, a bit of the kinks, and an ultra-rare outing for the tune that is 'crack whore'... (i think i've actually played that more times since christmas than in the two years previous... maybe i should write an extra verse or something, its still a big dumb bludgeoning riff, and my favourite bit has to the 'crack rocks' section) - i reckon its probably safe to put it back on the shelf for a bit...

finished with the chicken one, in duet format (with the G), and a fat pile of crowd participation right about there... and left the stage having (by request) over run my 30mins slot, covered in sweat and barely able to talk... you gotta love it!!

(the mighty) Boomshadow took to the stage to close the night's proceedings, and from the bit of their set that i saw, they were on blistering form... it was nice to see all four of them onstage (for the first time this year i think), 2011 mBS have reworked some of their stuff jus' a lil' and were really good... they're playing at the bandstand in bearwood soon (i'll try and find a link), and are always definitely worth a look-see if you haven't already...

had to make a slightly early break for the wild, to avoid the wheels being impounded... the normally safe island bar car park having been turned into a(n) (admittedly cheap) pay and display car park... with nasty warnings about tickets, documents and letters - boo.

all in, had me a really good night, especially nice to see 1k, PC, PH, dale, sam, and of course the G... (thanks for inviting me dude!)

i love his new shirt!

me next one is at worcester music festival (20th August)... and the thang is already primed and ready to go... 'sgonna be like a super-coiled spring by the time we get there...

in the meantime...

peace-out y'all

Worcester Music Festival (19th - 21st August 2011)

2011-07-24T05:59:00.000-07:00

word up you crazy cats!! how in the hell's is it all goin?! all good i hope...

most-exciting news and happy time (!!!) as the bwoi gonna be shaking that thang as part of 'Worcester Music Festival 2011' ...running from the 19th-21st August across Worcester, there's gonna be a bonafide multitude of quality musics on display

...and me 8)

i'll be playing at 'The Boston Tea Party', Saturday 20th August, sometime around the 7o'clock mark... (which is pretty precise for me)

oh yes... there'll be a dose of thang-shaking goodness served up for your own personal delectation... why not c'mon down as its FREE entry...

the line-up has been curated by the 'Not Just Sauce' crew and features...

Jayne Gaze

Hitchhiker

Jennie Harwood

Sarah Oreggio

Jane Booth

Carly Dee

Dan Lloyd

full details of the venue line-up, and more information about the festival can be found here...
http://www.worcestermusicfestival.co.uk/venues/worcester/thebostonteaparty/

i also happen to know that good friends and all round crazy cats 'Less For Murder' are also playing on the 20th... at the 'Swan With Two Nicks', they're on sometime around 4 (i think) ...these crazy cats give a quirky off-the-wall insight into the joys of married life - always worth a watch 8)

it'll be my second appearance at WMF, my first was in 2009 (at The Pheasant) when i stepped in on bass for 'I Am Locutus' with Dale and LC... that was a most enjoyable gig, i remember rushing off to play another set that evening (although the exact location escapes my right now), and wondering if i hadn't slipped a tad too much dub into the set... 8)

happy time

i rather randomly found a pic of the gig online the other day...

thus...

there i am... :P

peace-out y'all

Love Once EP

2011-07-17T08:34:00.000-07:00

word up you crazy cats!!!

today sees the release of the 'Love Once' EP... a kinda prequel to the whole 'Bonfire of the Quangos' album adventure, which is due later this year...

thang-shakin' good times music from me... to you.

as ever, all human life, and all life's essentials are there, and rumour has it there may even be a secret dental-centric bonus track on there...

&lt;p&gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;a href="http://fatbwoi.bandcamp.com/album/love-once"&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;Love Once by Fatbwoi&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/a&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&lt;/p&gt;
its currently available to download via the magic of bandcamp (http://www.fatbwoi.bandcamp.com)...

you can name your own price, but anyone who is enamoured enough to download a paid copy will receive some exclusive bonus business when the album is released...

i don't think ya can say fairer than that...

peace-out y'all 8)

Love Once EP - Fatbwoi - 2011

1 - Love Once
2 - 1-800
3 - Mailman
4 - Forces

http://www.fatbwoi.bandcamp.com

Festival Weekend - Artsfest AND Booze Fusion (September 10th/11th 2011)

2011-07-16T07:17:00.000-07:00

word up ye crazy cats!!! how the devil(spawn) is it going...?!?

this just in, some exciting developments down home on the farm... it is with much joy and happiness that i can confirm that there's gonna be a festival weekend - hell yes!

the bwoi gone be shaking that thang across two different sites on the weekend, for your own personal delectation, and in line with my legally obliged civic duty... i just thought i'd let ya know 8)

so where does this goodness take place...?!

first up...

ARTSFEST 2011

Artsfest is the UK's largest free arts festival, and takes place over the weekend September 10th/11th. It features a series of events across Birmingham, celebrating the West Midlands most talented performers, artists and creative projects... (http://www.artsfest.org.uk/)

...and it also features me!

i'll be playing at The Flapper and Firkin on Sat 10th, fully primed up and ready to go... hitting the stage about 15.00hrs... with the whole FREE entry thing going on, excuses not to come down and bust some moves/indulge in some quality arts/music goodness are limited...

BOOZE FUSION FESTIVAL 2011

Booze Fusion is a 3day festival running from 9th-11th September at The Vic Bikers Pub in Coalville... and promises to be a top weekend of music and beer goodness!! Day tickets are a 20th century low price of £5, and camping is free (although distributed on a first come basis... so's you takes your chances)...

I'll be taking to the stage at some point on Sunday 11th September, stage time tbc...

But I'd strongly advise you to come down, there's both a main stage and an acoustic stage, and i know for a fact that the most-excellent Grace and The Magic Roots are playing on Sunday too...

Excuses, again, are few...

Maybe we can shake some thang together?!

peace-out y'all

the fatbwoi songbook VII - 1-800

2011-07-13T04:10:00.000-07:00

look up in the sky... is it a bird? is it a plane?
omar daze... its a bwoi...
and what's with that completely ungraceful flapping action?!

yes its back, once again, the fatbwoi songbook... with more (and better) installments than star wars, and a chronology as confused as the saw movies... where would you be without it?!

requesting songsheets... but until i get a big ole' OHP, this'll have to do...

oft introduced as then one about god, which isn't strictly true (but chicken to god is a lovely progression)... occasionally more-accurately introduced as the one about tv evangelists and some of the crazy ideas they preach...

that's why the lyrics contain some 'far-out' stuff...

its like i dug that tune that genesis span many moons ago ('jesus he knows me'), but was unconvinced about the packaging or presentation (or something)...
________________________________

1-800

the jews killed jesus - so let's have a party
but i'm glad he was born - that's why the christmas started
well now he's dead you can have an egg
quick look busy jesus is coming
he gathered up twelve apostles
well you have to say that that was quite a posse
drank the holy wine and lost it
quick look busy jesus is coming

hold your hands up - hallelujah
you wanna know if god is talkin' to ya
hold your hands up - hallelujah
you wanna talk to god well you...

wanna get to heaven with no sacrifice
well i can sort that out - if you can pay the price
you see god he's good but i'm twice as nice
1-800-4-SALVATION
old school you wanna covet somebody
like a hippy wanna love somebody
let's get it on and brrrrp somebody
1-800-4-SALVATION

hold your hands up - hallelujah
you wanna know if god is talkin' to ya
hold your hands up - hallelujah
you wanna talk to god well you talk to me

say jesus
say hallelujah
say what is god - oh god is love
god is love
say jesus
say hallelujah
say what is god - oh god is love
god is love

wish religion could be more fun
you gotta picture the jesus with a laser gun
he's gonna honk some crack and brrrrp some nuns
1-800-4-SALVATION
have to wonder what god he would say
kinda different back in god's day
who is this god bloke anyway?!

hold your hands up - hallelujah
you wanna know if god is talkin' to ya
hold your hands up - hallelujah
you wanna talk to god well you through me
_________________________

just like that...

add a bit of stomping, (it sits nice with the shout-y middle eight) and job's a good 'un...

hold your hands up - hallelujah

subtle and stylish...

2011-07-11T11:54:00.000-07:00

recently i made a discovery, not the ground-breaking "wow i can power my car with my own ass" kinda discovery, but a discovery all the same...

if i could power a car with forces generated by my ass it would probably be best not to shout about it, lest i get on the wrong side of the petrol companies and the dollar signs whizzing around in their eyes... thus i shall inxay on the assnay (or something)

my discovery, which is both subtle... and stylish (apparently)

mmm, white and brown... both subtle, and stylish

admittedly, i was having a bad-toilet-paper-decisions kinda day...

it was one of those days where an attempt to razz around the supermarket was heavily impeded by the whole fridge section, which used this impedance to generate a horrible degenerative buzzing sensation inside your skull... one of those days where you cant move, but you have to go...

i think in truth, it possibly reminded me a lil' bit of the kitchen paper the mother-unit used to buy, and when this did not send me running to the hills i do not know... although i think that had more of a green, blue and white motif going on, which is about as far from subtle and stylish as you can get...

or as a populace, we were just less susceptible to advertising guff back in t'day...

but hey, rough with the smooth (although probably better to stick with the smooth whilst we're discussing bog roll... just putting it out there!)

the offending article 'in situ' (its not my house, but neither do i go round photographing random people's TP!?!)

its soft...

but what in the dickens is that design supposed to be?! admittedly it does look quite subtle when kept next to a brick wall (every body's toilet has a brick wall in it right?!) and a bright front door (same again huh?!)...

i guess two of the rolls could maybe pass for subtle, as they have a slightly more slender fern motif going on...

i want you to picture the design above, upside down and folded in a toilet full of zizz...

the leaves look like dirty lil' devil mouths, proper uncanny it is... there's probably a horror film in that somewhere (its only a fraction of development away from modern cinematic standards already...)...

depending on the particular hue of your zizz, they look somewhere between lil' devil mouths of sh!t or blood... like seriously, this design could really do with re-thinking...

the inner roll has a fine two tone quality to it... and as we all know, that is essential for the successful deployment and application of bog-roll...

really, when it all comes down to it...

what the hell is going on with toilet rolls these days?!

i can kinda understand the aloe vera, the shea butter is just taking it a bit far...

and just what is the deal with the 'puppies on a roll', where i come from, that's just plain warped...

10-step linguine carbonara de bwoi

2011-07-10T05:33:00.000-07:00

linguine carbonara de bwoi

250g linguine
3 eggs (i don't like eggs)
50g parmesan cheese - grated
2 small red onions
9 cloves garlic - crushed (i likes garlic i does)
150ml single cream
black pepper

1. boil up a big ole pan of water, drop in a lil' bit of oil, and the solid salt for the salt-breaking machine you don't have... once boiling, remove from hob as you have realised that linguine takes less time to cook than spaghetti so you're gonna have to do a bit more prep first.

2a. beat the eggs, cheese, a bit of black pepper and the cream together in a bowl/jug until mixture is smooth.
2b. finely chop the onions, slighlty-less-finely chop the bacon, stick a tiny drizzle of oil into a pan and place it on the hob to warm up (marvel at how the water in the first pan has changed with its salt/oil content)

3. start crushing the garlic into the oil pan as it heats up (experience should tell you that crushing this much garlic without an industrial garlic crusher may take a few minutes), when you are nearly finished start boiling the weird water again.

4. drop linguine into boiling water, stir, leave for a minute then add bacon and onion to garlic and oil.

5. you are now cooking with two pans - PANIC!!!

6. when bacon is golden, onions sweated and linguine cooked (6-7 mins roughly), drain the linguine and place on the side in a sieve or similar.

7. marvel at how the egg mixture changed, and now looks like a really weird bobbly-creamy snowscape. stir again, then add to bacon and onions.

8. cook for 30 seconds.

9. add drained linguine to mixture and fold the two together until pasta is evenly coated and then serve.

10. realise you did a properly bad job of distributing the bacon through the pasta, so spoon it on top of the served pasta, eat some cos' it looks good and at least one of the piles of additional bacon you just served looks 'a bit big' - then ENJOY.

happy time 8)

let us just stop and think about cows, for a minute...

2011-07-05T12:07:00.000-07:00

no really...

cows... more than just a mobile whopper with a tail (or 50% of a portable, exceedingly rare surf and turf)...

pretty sh!t as a weather detection system, all that business about cows sitting down if its going to rain... (do i infer from this that where cows are standing up in the rain, that it caught them by surprise?! or that they just don't care?! like proper 'rebel cows'...)

it was raining today when i met some cows...

they were standing up...

i believe they were actually a herd of bullocks, bound he-ventually for plates and sesame buns the world over... this isn't me being cruel (or taunting cows with talk of garlic and gherkins!)

nuh-uh...

scary john craven in scary retro fashions...

as i did learn from watching country file on bbc's sign zone the other night (well the first thing i found out is that they still let scary john craven on the tele, second thing that he looks less scary with white hair, and finally that...) all british beef is tagged with two uniquely numbered tags, one in each ear, so that it can tracked from mommy-cow to burger through the food chain...

this is why british beef is currently the most expensive (and also desirable according to the craven) beef on the international market... (i personally like argentinian beef, but would also have to agree with the craven about the typically lower quality of US beef... but he said that and not me)

and these cows were so tagged...

cow - tagged (the cows i saw were near a much smaller 'brook')

but, did you ever take a second to think about how far round a cow can turn its head? or how far around themselves any given cow can see...

did you ever realise that a cow has a near-360-degree field of vision...

a cow never needs to ask if its ass looks big in this (probably)... it just has to turn around and check it out for itself...

it is seriously spooky... they don't just try and stare you out...

they follow you with their eyes, and even standing behind them is not enough to get away...

they can look around that far, that i think we should give them an 'l' and have done with it...

cow-ls... that's what they should be called, and batman can stuff-off and find another name for his head gear with his approximate 200-degree field of vision and inability to see all-around him without the use of modern technology...

face it dude... the cow got you licked up

personally i believe that if cows were jus' a lil' bit thinner, or at least their hips were 'less wide', they would be able to gaze through both time and the fabric of reality...

maybe then they wouldn't get caught out by 'surprise' rain...

fatbwoi live @ broken amp 040711

2011-07-05T11:26:00.000-07:00

word up you crazy cats!!

how the devil does it all happen to be going?! all good i hope...

last night saw me take to the stage for the most-excellent broken amp crew at the adam and eve for my first 'this midlands' gig in a (what seems like a long) while...

and enjoy it most thoroughly did i...

but less of the yoda speak, and a bit more about the evening's entertainment... 8)

the evening was opened by stuart o'connor, i met him the other week playing at the rothwell charter festival and he asked me if i might be able to sort him out a gig on his way back from scotland... thus

he has a proper sweet psychedellic acoustic sound, with judicious application of effects and looping technology... which is always a good thing (scienceFAKT right about there).

as ever, stuart delivered an outstanding set... dude got some quality tunes and sounds, and i'd definitely advise you to check him out... i hope to catch up with him again soon...

the important stuff - sweet sneaks, and lemonade-infused beverages...

i, for an absolute shocker opened with the one about chicken...

the bwoi was headlining the evenin', which was runnin' a lil' behind schedule, so the ineffably lovely rich asked me to hit it flying... lest the powers that be (the bar staff) tried pulling the plug on us (its the bar lady who likes to get home as early as...)

so we'd wailed through 1-800 and love once before i paused to 'have a word'... (as you do)

government done took my babies...

there was a fully-clothed version of the naked in a cape one... and by this point, it seemed things were getting a lil' rowdy...

drop an 'up-swung' kinks cover in we properly got it going on...

a lil' bit of apocalypse education, which from what i hear may have been misplaced... rich advised me that i should head over to leicester again as, despite my constant musical visits, the council over there still does not have a decent contingency plan in the event of zombie apocalypse...

that's just a lil' half assed if you ask me... but hey, any excuse to shake the thang (init)

it was a top night all-in, gotta love the broken amp crew... they always make me feel welcome, join-in, we always have a party... can't wait until the next one 8)

oh and the 2d lady was pimped out with a foxy leopard print number...

pimp my (2D) lady...

that right there, is style ladies and gentlemen...

placed opposite a full-size disco ball, you got something properly intangible...

peace-out y'all

NEXT GIG - G (of mighty Boomshadow fame)'s Birthday Thang... the one at a secret venue, where-in there shall be a 'breaking of stuff' - happy time 8)

do not be alarmed...

2011-07-02T05:55:00.000-07:00

do not be alarmed...

do not adjust your set (which better damn well be properly licensed)...

do not remove your ornaments and valuables from their usual homes... (there isn't time and you threw out yesterdays paper so you have nothing to wrap them in...)

do not pay any attention to what you have just read...

everything is fine, the sun is (mostly) out and its the weekend...

put the crisis on hold for ten...

and live a lil'

happy time

this has been a public broadcast announcement from fatbwoi industries... home to the fatbwoi gerbil army (the sweetest smelling army in the world... but quite sh!t at making beds it would seem), and inventor of bath in a can (ok that's a bold claim... but certainly the first man to put it to song)...

its pretty much always good to add lime and/or sugar...

some dates for your diary...

2011-06-30T10:28:00.000-07:00

word up you crazy cats!!!

as previously established, the suits in the government have advised (initially in a white paper, the bill has now moved onto for debate the house) that i must give each and every one of you due and fair warning of any instance where upon i may be spotted shaking that thang on public...

its for your own safety...

they were also insistent that i describe it in an overwordy verbose stylee... 7 words where 3 will do?!

don't mind if i do... 8)

4th July - Broken Amp @ Adam and Eve, Birmingham

23rd July - G (off of Boomshadow's birthday bash), a secret location, probably in the midlands

20th August - Boston Tea Party, Worcester Music Festival, Worcester

28th August - Bat and Wicket, Northampton

i'll provide more details as and when they become available - its a legal obligation right about there...

peace-out y'all

fb

today's not-wednesday

2011-06-28T04:34:00.000-07:00

today, on this previously glorious but now overcast, not-wednesday i find my mind is preoccupied with 'many' different things...

and like a kettle that has boiled, i shall pour it out thus...

1 - really shouldn't have made reference to kettles or coffee without actually having a cup of coffee in my immediate vicinity... [school-boy error right about there...]

2 - cut aubergines (or possibly courgettes) appear to smell a bit like cat-sh!t... i woke up this morning convinced that dave (still not my cat) had left me a lil' parcel on the doormat as he is wont to do... (really should stop just tossing it out of the 'communal' window)... i even opened the door expecting to be greeted by a huge laws-of-physics-defying steam-y heap-y... but it was not there.

i threw the aubergines (and courgettes) into the bin and now the smell seems to be localised around there... i have in effect made a scientific, and also highly marketable, discovery...

thus...

"do you need portable cat stink, but can't be dealing with carrying around cat droppings just on the off-chance?! well we here at bwoi industries have a solution... Porta-Stank, a vacuum sealed pouch giving you the ultimate in bad-cat-tray badness at your convenience..."

[yeah, dragon's den here we come...]

3 - the alarm that goes off every time there's a hint of thunder is going off again... [still not as good for dancing too as a washing machine, but putting a break-beat behind it was amusing for a while...]

4 - i still don't have a brew... [and the kettle still isn't boiling]

5 - squeeze's 'pulling mussels from a shell' appears to be stuck on repeat in my head... which i guess is just one of those things... top tune though, got a one note guitar solo in it too...

happy not-wednesday y'all 8) [happy not-wednesday y'all]

i'm off to go and address the not-brew issue... [damn right]

proto-roscoe music... (everyone needs someone)

2011-06-27T17:06:00.000-07:00

ghetto's look the best...

when they've been blessed...

and spot-lit on...

a stage...

...yeah man, that's exactly how that thought looked in my head too...

listened to this a couple of times in the last few days...

i go through phases with it, its about 7 (even quite possibly 8) years old, and a genuine heavens-to-betsy example of proto-roscoe music... the importance of which will become clear later on...

short answer, is that its part of the answer to 'that' question - "what would it sound like if fatbwoi made electronic music?" (or quite possibly "what does the bwoi sound like when he's playing something else?" regardless of whether or not either of these questions were actually asked...)

this one is from my days in 'the kiosk'... we were like spiritual experimental rock/dance/alternative crossover... (quite possibly a genre before its time), a 3 piece consisting of me on sampler, synths, guitar and occasional bass; a guy called phil on battered acoustic and occasional bass; and the legend johnathan bannister on vocals, sometimes bass and assorted percussion, wind and prayer instruments...

we had quite a few tracks, generally built around beats and deceptively complex layers of sound provided by the big red sampler... the use of which did lead to a few hairy program changes at times when i was supposed to be playing the guitar...

this is the track where i snuck a pseudo-reggae breakdown in whilst the other two were making a cup of tea... oops...

the flute at the end (when the whole 16th century vibe kicks in) is a beautiful lil' thing, and probably deserved recording in a much more professional manner than it was... but we were running this whole lo-fi trip at the time, so y'know...

but yeaman, it bounces along on its own pitch-shifted hi-hats tip quite happily, and features a judicious application of ludicrous effects... personally, i don't see what more a producer could ask for...

so if you ever wonder what i sound like armed with a sampler, as part of an experimental trio (or even if you haven't), why not give it a whirl?!

you can listen to it, and even download it for free (in glorious mp3 format), should you so desire, from last.fm... via the magic of the link below...

http://www.last.fm/music/The+Kiosk/_/Everyone+Needs+Someone

cooking prawns...

2011-06-26T14:24:00.000-07:00

i love cooking prawns...

its a thing that i have only recently discovered... but yeaman - bwoi like that right about there!

its like a mini-magic event in your pan...

prawn goes in blue...

uncooked peeled king prawns (blue)... mine came sans citron

throw in some crazy business...

"tonight matthew i will be adding a whole pile of garlic and juice and gubbins of a single lime to my prawns-in-a-pan..."

prawn comes out pink...

cooked peeled king prawns... levitating

magic... in a pan

right about there...

even better than a global hypercolour t-shirt...

and the thing with the limes involved the addition of cherry tomatoes, more limes, sweet chilli sauce, spring onions... and noodles! served on (get me) a bed of baby spinach leaves...

it was lovely 8)

2008 Treer Saltair

2011-06-26T10:42:00.000-07:00

this has got to be, quite simply, one of my favourite adverts ever... i haven't seen the bouncy bold box advert (as recorded off the tv on my mom's old school video of the animated lord of the rings, where the tv announcer helpfully points out that the studio ran out of money so couldn't make the whole story, and tells us the ending over the credits - take note peter jackson!!!), with the lady, boy and other assorted community members pushed the bouncy box down and then cracked the world's biggest-fakest shock surprise smile when it sprang back up - i was a lot younger in those days and my tastes were different...

it was mainly the 'bouncing' (bwoooow) noise i liked anyway... i do remember there being some money in the advert, probably the amount of money you would save by buying bold (the details are a bit sketchy), and older more cynical me would be more inclined to rob it or throw it at the smug grinning people as a way of discouraging them...

bad older cynical me... 8)

but it appears (for a shocker) that i have digressed...

if more adverts were like this... i would buy more stuff, and therefore in the world-view of jeffery goines be a better consumer/much-'well-er' and better adjusted individual... he is however a fictional character... who live in a mental home

marks and spencer's have been trying it for years... with their food porn. do i shop in m+s? no... because there's something so fwar fwar (foie gras) and veneered about the whole m+s thing that nothing could redeem it...

except maybe some duck sex... on a pancake, with seaweed nearby...

then i'd probably buy my crispy aromatic duck from there... but probably also be a bit put-out that i only got half a duck...

on the flip-side, show me half a duck getting it on, and i may take a bit more persuading to buy it...

BUT... if more adverts were like this... i'd definitely buy more stuff...

(and here's the science bit...)

multiply me exponentially... could even cure the global economic down-turn...

right on 8)

here come the spider people...

2011-06-23T19:22:00.000-07:00

wicked lo-fi video by world famous visionary, mind-bending iconic leftfield director rasterpopulos for the experi-jazz creation that is 'here come the spider people' from 2008's 'experi-jazz sessions - minus one'...

the track, as too the genre, simply defy pigeon-holing, and rallies in the face of definition...

an improv recorded in mono, featuring rasterpopulos on the t-type electric and fatbwoi on vocals/acoustic 'spider people' is the final track of the minus one session (which was indeed, quite as session...), and it takes the listener back to the exact point in time where the album begins...

'plectrum in my mouth'

messing with your perception of time... man

yeah right, it would appear that the heavy session that lead to the creation of this work may also have involved a large amount of wreck-ed philosophy and a healthy smattering of conceptualising...

far out

here comes the spider people

look at their eight arms... and lots of eyes

they are THE SPIDER PEOPLE

spider spider, spider spider, spider spider, spider spider, spider spider

here come the spi-der people...

... i need to change the sound.

my lil' rhyming dictionary...

2011-06-22T19:03:00.000-07:00

"along came a spider... he was freaky like dracula..."

"yeah, nice rhyme keith"

you gotta love rhyming dictionaries...

at least, someone has to otherwise they'd feel all useless and lonely...

i've got one, someone got it for me as a present many many years ago, when i was just getting my head around this whole song-writing tip... and i must have used it uhm... loads of times.

although generally for the exact opposite purpose for which it was intended... choosing words to be avoided...

mr meph soars over wittenburg (allegedly)

i did once start writing a song exclusively using rhymes from the lil' blue book, i chose '-e(a)se' as my starting point, within the first three lines there's reference to both staples of modern song-writing... mephistopheles and journalese... (it had a proper old-skool 8-bit beat behind it - probably best we leave it at that)

although it was probably better than my anti-limp bizkit rap song... that had some cheese-tastic distortion sample through delay... some nice word-play (complete with a tongue in cheek nod to white zombie), but terrible music...

my lil' pocket rhyming dictionary

but the dictionary... what is it about...

i just don't get it, although in this particular case it may be one of those cases of idea vs. execution, the idea itself i am properly down with... its execution, especially in this case, much less so...

but then my rhyming dictionary is pocket-sized, i know they had to filter something out to shrink it in size, and i can't help but wonder if it was the human element that was sacrificed...

it does read like it was written by a computer, quite a gormless one at that... put plainly some of the words don't actually rhyme... yes its partly dialectal variance at fault for this, they probably all rhyme perfectly when 'sung' by a bbc electron...

furthermore the word-choice with-in is at times just plain bizarre...

its a fair bet that even the slowest of songwriter would realise that any word ending with head will rhyme with another word ending in head... although you could just devote several pages to a list of x-head words, some of which were never meant to find their way into song...

here's one...

a rhyme for '-illum'...

try 'chillum' or 'vexillum'...

right... ok, so its not much of a push to get 'chillum' into a song about smoking, but i'm not sure how'd you'd wedge a refernce to a roman military standard into the same track...

and i am sure it makes words up... i'd cite one right now (the most obvious example i've ever found was 'fuckarenee'), but they hide so well within the massive lists of words and i am tired right about now, so they are not forthcoming...

there's some commercial stuff that just sounds like it was lifted from the 'world's first syrupy cheese rhyming dictionary'... proper mushy-bizzle, and personally i think there should be a law against cheese-rhyming 'heart' with 'apart', cos like everybody already been there and uhm,... done that...

there's a particular song on the wireless at the moment with rhymes so bad, they actually cause me excruciating physical pain... i have no idea what its called (maybe i have blotted that out), but i literally cannot listen to it - the songwriting is soooo laboured that even its 'adorable anthemic' pop sheen can make it worth the effort...

matt bellamy is guilty of a few stinkers, "holes in our souls" in 'screenager' is a particular one that springs to mind... but i know that we can let him off, owing to him being a sh!t-hot guitarist and all-round good (properly frazzled) egg...

hair-cut... (bad-rhyme)

i think the problem that i have with rhyming dictionary's is that i don't tend to rhyme the last syllable of a word, it tends to be the penultimate syllable... and apparently they didn't make a book for doing that yet...

rhyming that way fits with some of the faster more staccato (rap) deliveries, and i've noticed a tendency to sometimes slur syllables into the rhyme, or move the position of the rhyme through the line...

with a fast delivery the rhyme can also be created through the phrasing of individual syllables, rather than their content... practician that!

i've also noticed that over time i have moved to longer rhyme schemes... sometimes it'll be the first and last line of a verse, or open with a couplet and then don't rhyme the end of the verse...

its definitely more about the content than the sounds...

and there isn't a dictionary for that...

fatbwoi live @ the rowell charter inn 200611

2011-06-21T18:09:00.000-07:00

i've broken the seal...

it never stops once you've broken the seal...

here at bwoi industries we clearly value your call, however for the best definition of the 'january 29th 2006 urban word of the day', please visit... http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=break%20the%20seal

just because...

word up you crazy cats! played me a lil' lunchtime gig as part of the 2nd annual rowell charter beer and acoustic festival... oh yes, some of these people had been having it large (and rightly so!), and when i arrived around lunchtime... there sure was a lot of mirth/joy/drunken-confusion being spread around... happy time 8)

the sun was out... i had me red top on... thang primed and ready

and all this by 12.45 (get me!!!)

pop-art bwoi?!

there was fun... there was chicken, some irreverent references to genesis and how i prefer my tv evengelist song to theirs... there was a fully-clothed performance of the naked-in-a-cape one... even a kinks-ian nod to the most glorious weather (definitely better weather than saturday when the weather was doing the whole rapid fire bi-polar thing)...

there was a mild wave of terror swept through the audience as, in explaining that they didn't need to join in with the actions on 'jazz hands' because of the weather, i forgot to tell them that i was about to shout at them in german... my bad

of course i always preferred racing like a p!ss-horse

i'm a bit worried about rothwell's chances in the event of the inevitable zombie apocalypse... i have played 'l.o.t.d' there before so i've done my local safety/information bit, but i did snap the g string whilst playing it! mark suggested that possibly the zombie gods were aggrieved... he may well have had a point...

a quick change onto stevie's guitar (cheers dude) meant i could deliver a quick dose of mentalism, hip hop and gadgetry... job officially as they say - a good un!

really enjoyed playing, it was nice to actually get a bit of sun on my studio-tanned arms for once...

but a special mention has to go out to the bacon sandwich (with chilli sauce)... there's something special about festival bacon sandwiches, and this one was no different...

washed down with a swift shandy, it went down a treat... but i do think i committed that real ale fest faux pas, of seeing all the barrels and the wonderful variety, and opting for common or garden lager... diluted with lemonade. oops

really enjoyed stuart o'connor's set... he plays psychedelic folk armed with (around) 15 pedals, for techno weirdness... i was chatting to him afterwards (safe dude - tunes well worth checkin' out...), and he was saying how sometimes he just feels like properly wigging out with all the gadgets, but doesn't cos he thinks the audience might not get it...

i know that feeling... but it ain't half fun 8)

peace-out y'all

the new thomas-the-tank-people

2011-06-19T15:48:00.000-07:00

this mornin' i did find myself a little bit scared...

the images on the televisual device in the corner of the room were so horrific, that it is gonna take me a distinctly quantifiable amount of time to get over it...

it didn't happen yet...

and what could be this terrible sight i hear you ask...?! what could it be that has so shaken the bwoi to his core... what hellishness has been let loose upon the world? (and so on, and so forth...)

feel the fear thomas... or squeeze one out, its up to you...

i shall keep you in suspense no longer...

its the new thomas-the-tank-people, from what ever incarnation of the show is currently airing via the digital telebox... i have no idea, they may have moved to an island... but its all a bit confusing, and the sheer terror those people wrought unto my heart may actually have caused me to block out some of the details...

in particular it was a still shot... the people were having a party, but there was something quite freakish and horrible about their frozen faces that disturbed me...

and bizarrely, try as i might i cannot find a picture of these freakish abominations online... a coincidence? i think not...

so therefore i shall endeavour to explain (or stick in a jpeg and do a half-assed abstract job)...

the suave (non too sinister) fat controller

they had the same brown/black shading outline style as our man the fat controller... but less so, as they were only minor characters used in a still frame, leaving them with a grim rictus manga face... bad times

that's about as close as i can get it (they were damn freaky!!)

it was a cut-scene godamnit, and its stuck with me... more disturbing than 'mother' in braindead, but probably not as bad as the custard... (eeeeeeeew)

but it got me to thinkin'... if we could get michael bay to guest direct an episode, and then blast thomas with the all-spark (although this may make the plot a bit complex, but who are we to argue with progress), rendering him a blue-badass capable of taking down the freakish abominations that haunt his island...

mechanised blue-badass

its gotta be a bay transformer though, where (as demonstrated in the transformers dvd extras) all of the parts have been neatly designed via scaled blue-print so there is none of the size-shifting that happened in the original cartoon...

alterno (less badass) mode thomas

its not really the size-shifting i was worried about, i thought that if thomas did block transformations like the old school toys, given his shape... he was gonna be sh!t (and you also face the distinct possibility that if transforming him involved revealing a head. there was gonna be a big gormless thomas face somewhere upon the exterior!)

and then, i discovered transformer tomas...

its like a knock off combiner transformer based on... you guessed it! our man t...

transformer tomas... (but why isn't he in the middle)

but thomas isn't in the middle?! what's with that...?!

this super robot is made up of three separate engines, who do some clicky disassemble weirdness to become the behemoth you see before you... (maybe we don't need michael bay after all)

as an added bonus, all three engines can join up to make a super train and tow each other along whilst in engine mode... far out

the 3man train centipede...

as long as the robots can agree a quick timetable to destroy the mawkish inhabitants of their freaky lil' island, then i'm happy...

otherwise we gonna have to send arnie in...

and he's never neat... 8)

fatbwoi live @ the cross keys 180611 [the under 10's army]

2011-06-19T08:45:00.000-07:00

word up you crazy cats!

how's it all goin...?! all good i hope...

yesterday was the second day of the cross keys beer and music festival... and therefore time for this one to swoop in and do some thang shakin'...

shapes - thrown

time - happy

hyphens - full effect

started my set a lil' early as the highly variable weather meant that there was a captive audience... mk was having a gorgeous sunshine/heavy 'matrix' rain split personality kinda day, although scrolling green code and keanu reeves were sadly missing...

opened with the chicken and the god before declaring that the walkway to the exit was now a 'dance-walkway', then executing a neat swing left into the one with the metallica...

martian desert-trek bwoi...

it was round about this time that i noticed the growing ranks of the under 10's army, who were not only showing the adults how the whole 'dance-walkway' thing should be done, but properly havin' it large...

the party was definitely over there, and then there... and then there... some of them were proper whizzing around... this took a bit of esp and lifting of the guitar to ensure no-accidents. the remainder of the u10's army was putting my dance moves to shame... there was some proper funky bogling going on...

dropped the sun-inducing 'Mr E's Beautiful Blues' which gave me an opportunity to whiz into 'Missing'... haven't played that in a while (but it went alright)...

the under 10 army assembles...

did get a bit confused on the exact order of the lyrics in sunny afternoon (for a shocker)... but the people in the audience singing along most-graciously helped me out...

all-in it was a top gig, there was a nice party-vibe to the place (a whole range of fantastic beers on sale) and it was really cool to see the kids 'getting down'...

did get me thinking about extending the fatbwoi army, creating an under 10's division, who when teamed up with fatbwoi gerbil army (the sweetest smelling army in the world) counterparts, would create most-excellent cells around the country ready for world domination...

or something similar (and amusing)

peace-out y'all

caffeine maple bacon (in no particular order)

2011-06-15T17:16:00.000-07:00

i love bacon...

i love maple (the syrup, the word and the tree...)

let's face it, ya can't beat a thick-sliced maple-cured bacon sandwich... its almost as if the humble pig should have been born with maple syrup for blood (like the aliens in that film, i forget what its called :P ...but a darn site more useful)

and my relationship with caffeine is a well documented one... you gotta love the coffee, and there's always the relentless... (caffeine-based life-form? moi? yeah quite probably...)

obviously, a traditional way to combine these three favourites of mine would be one of 'those' sandwiches washed down with a lovely (orange) mug of peruvian coffee... that's a perfect breakfast/lunch/dinner/brunch/snack/munch right about there...

but not really that portable... exacerbated by the fact that the bacon sandwich purchased whilst out and about is generally an item of extremely variable quality (with a definite trend towards the low), and generally nowhere near as lovely as the one i envisage when i think of maple bacon (although special mention must be made... the sandwiches i used to get everyday from the van on the trading estate in wednesbury, sausage bacon and chilli sauce on a french stick, were sandwiches par excellence...)

but now some quite-blatant genii came up with not only the (obvious) idea of combining all three of these magic foodstuffs together, but also making it super-portable...

ladies and gentlemen i present...

the caffeinated maple bacon lollipop

hell yes... 8)

that''s some goodness right about there... and apparently, its made with bacon salt, which means that its not only kosher, but also vegetarian friendly!! this may or may not be worrying...

i do find the insistence on marketing the lollipop on pieces of american stylee bacon a bit worrying though... i'd much prefer it on a thick-cut freshly sizzled rasher of maple-cured... nice

but i did the maff... and there's more caffeine in two of these bad boy's than there is in a can of relentless, meaning they have to win some kind of prize for portable caffeine-ness-ness (or something)

the site i found them on won't ship outside the US, but like the ostrich burger... i feel it will only be a small amount of time before i get my hands on these yummy caffeine-y morsels... (and i'm fairly sure when i do, there won't be enough)

but then i did find this...

zombie jerky

(its teriyaki flavoured too!!)

once more... hell yes

fed up of watching your brethren get munched by the seemingly endless zombie hordes? bite back without gettin' bitten back... that's right, you can now do you part without ever leaving the safety of our heavilly fortified and geographically protected base at ***censored (cos some information you just can't share)***... by munching on some zombie jerky...

right on!!

got to be honest, never been much of a jerky fan... but i'd be willing to give this one a swing...

not sure about the green though?!

gigs this weekend...

2011-06-15T16:59:00.000-07:00

word up you crazy cats!! y'all good?

just a quick reminder (in-line with government legislation obviously) that there's three places you can catch the fatbwoi shakin' that thang this weekend... two are beer festivals, and all are free entry so the reasons not to come down and indulge yourself in a bit of thang-shakery are limited...

SAT 180611 - The Cross Keys Beer and Music Festival, Milton Keynes
music all day, fatbwoi onstage @ 17.00hrs

SUN 190611 - Bat and Wicket, Northampton
evening event, doors @ 20.00hrs... feat. music from fatbwoi and stuart o'connor

MON 200611 - Rowell Charter Real Ale and Acoustic Festival, Rothwell
all day event, fatbwoi onstage @ 12.15hrs

hopefully there will be sun, there's sure gonna be fun...

hope to see you there... 8)

fb

dudley chronicles I - the shanghai fusion

2011-06-15T16:49:00.000-07:00

its a strange old world ain't it? (especially around these parts...)

and so i find myself quite surprised that i am actually quite gutted about the gutting of the shanghai fusion...

that mighty bastion of dudley, capable of emitting some of the most tantalising and also some of the most rancid smells known to man (often at the same time)... with its ever-diligent work-force, always happy to climb on the roof mid-service so's i could get my football back (true story)... the hordes of oft scantily clad teens doing their sixth form end of term parties there, hiding behind the bins to smoke, making a lot of noise and even in one instance - arriving in a pink stretch hummer...

no more but so...

although i can't help but notice the age old bank's sign from back in the day is still squeakin' like a mo-fo in the wind...

i never really got to know it when it was the salamander... scary old dudley people's pub (no they don't do students there) at the top of the campus, back in the day when nith place was just a road to get to the broadway, and needed a name cos there was a shop on there... when those new houses used to be a car-park!!!

(here's one of those handy-type link things, which will lead you to a page with some boring information... [fact-fans!!] http://blackcountryhistory.org/collections/getrecord/GB145_p_3823/)

but that closed down, they stuck some green tiles to the roof, experimented with cheap tall shrubs outside (which were constantly stolen) and re-opened as the majesty that is (was) shanghai fusion...

let's put this right out there... i never ate in there. first off... i've seen the kitchens, second (as previously mentioned) the kitchen staff used to climb on the roof to get my ball... nice guys they were, although i remain unconvinced about their restaurant credentials...

but nonetheless, 'the shanghai' (as it is affectionately known) has been a constant source of amusent/annoyance for years... admittedly more the former...

mainly because of some the nut-job planning permission requests that used to drop through the door periodically, my particular favourite being the request to build an extra-storey on top of the kitchen to house a taxi-office and conversion of the upstairs for use as a hairdressers salon...

there-in lies the all-inclusive night out... food, taxi and a haircut... right on

most of these planning permission requests seemed to relate the addition of made additional services alongside the already established all you can eat chinese buffet... i think the sixth form party people used to keep them in business, that sign on that picture (which i didn't take) stayed up for ages, until they just started adjusting the listed price with gaffa tape and a permanent marker...

they apparently did christmas dinner's too... i do remember smelling it, don't especially remember ever having seen anyone foolhardy enough to go in...

but alas now it is all gone...

the smackheads used the back yard as a hang-out for a bit, the police nailed a really big piece of wood across the gate...

now big burly men have come to clear the place...

and across the last two days the contents of 'the shanghai' have been reduced to two neatly-stacked (and another less so) skips, and a hell of a lot of noise...

soon it'll be flats (of some sort), although i'd imagine in the meantime it may go through a transitional phase of being flat (boom boom)... of course they're never gonna build one of them car-stacking car-parks round the back of my house, so soon there will be even less no-where to park...

happy time

the organisational abilities of a sweet potato...

2011-06-13T05:58:00.000-07:00

...i used to have a snoopy filo-fax, it was proper quality too. the binder-y bits were sturdy, and all of the little divider cards were properly reinforced (and spill resistant) - happy time.

there was a section for addresses, a diary, and even a bit of space for some notes...

filo-fax avec 'zero snoopy'...

it never got lost, because it never left the house... i was 10 (and it was a touch on the unwieldy side)

i don't remember ever having expressed any explicit love for snoopy at anytime... although i did like the voice of the teacher in the cartoon (and he was always on the back of the paper at the junior bwoi homestead)...

but yeah... obviously it became essential in organising my hardcore social life... keeping up to date with the machinations of the political machine etc etc...

it disappeared over time... perhaps it would have been more useful if it came in a small digital bundle... some kind of ubiquitous electronic device that fits in your pocket, perhaps it could even be expanded to include additional functionality such as (i don't know) voice calls and image capture?! far-out...

but it never happened at the right time, and by the time it did... i'd got used to doing it all in my head...

oh yeah... seamless integration and kilobytes of processing power...

bod can jump?

bod CAN jump!

not bod, repton... but whoever expected me to make sense?!

until yesterday...

when i accidentally misplaced a gig (by about a week)... oops!

yeah, it would appear that rather than travelling twice in two weeks... i shall in fact be doing a short 3day 'mk and other midlands' tour next week...(!!!)

3 days - 3 gigs... and a lil' bit more logistical business than i at first thought... 8)

so here's the shimmy you crazy cats.... i apologise for not being in northampton last night (and i blame the sausage and cheap pasta sauce thing me and the amazing lady linenwrecker cooked up last night!)... but i will be there next week...

thus...

sat 18th june - Cross Keys Music and Beer Festival, Milton Keynes

- all day event, onstage 17.00hrs

sun 19th june - Bat and Wicket, Northampton - doors at 20.00hrs

mon 20th june - Rowell Charter Beer and Acoustic Festival, Rothwell

- all day event, onstage 12.15hrs (ish)

so why not c'mon down and shake some thang... its a tour, there is beer, and the golden rule stands...

what goes on tour, stays on tour

right on 8)

the fatbwoi songbook VI - jazz hands

2011-06-09T05:59:00.000-07:00

na na na na-na its the one and only B dubya O i...
na na na na-na or something similar from the street...

uhm... stop it now... word up you crazy cats, here be the third part of the second fatbwoi songbook trilogy (i was gonna try and work the word singular into that sentence, but it was getting a little bit unwieldy)... jazz hands

the on about... well i'll let you work that out for yourselves (answers on a postcard to fb13, bwoi-ton)... this is the one with the dance moves, and the counting to six in german... thang-shakin' fun in a bun...

and those dance moves... the first one is easy enough - freeze!! (do not pass go, there is a distinct lack of £200)...

the second...

jazz hands

eins... zwei... drei... vier... fünf... sechs...

HUH!

peace be with you...
don't have many friends make the nagging voices stop
there's always a reason...
never mind the bubbles - what they doin' at the top?!
coffee in the mornin' with the coke in the evenin'
coke in the mornin' with the coffee on top
choppin' up the charlie then you put it in the coffee
twitch away the evening so the coffee has to stop

when you think that you find that you're out of your mind
you gotta freeze... jazz hands
and you can't be sure... is this the cure?
you gotta freeze... jazz hands
there's no charity cos' its all about me
you gotta freeze... jazz hands
this is not masturbation just touch the occasion
you gotta freeze... jazz hands

HUH!

stay pointless...
drive within the limits and look after yourself
and don't do the drugs...
got to look after your mental health
ever get the feeling that its moves a lil' faster
you're thinking pretty quickly - but you're talking to slow
so you scrape it off the paper and put it in the coffee
twitch away the evening so the coffee has to stop

when you think that you find that you're out of your mind
you gotta freeze... jazz hands
and you can't be sure... is this the cure?
you gotta freeze... jazz hands
there's no charity cos' its all about me
you gotta freeze... jazz hands
this is not masturbation just touch the occasion
you gotta freeze... jazz hands

uhm...

a left, left and right and right
with my magic powder i can dance all night
left is left and right and right
she goes ba ba baa da ba ba baa
a left and left and right and right
with my magic powder i can dance all night
left is left and right and right
she goes ba ba baa da ba ba baa da ba ba baa da ba ba ba ba

HUH!

peace be with you...
don't have many friends make the nagging voices stop
there's always a reason...
never mind the bubbles - what they doin' at the top?!
coffee in the mornin' with the coke in the evenin'
coke in the mornin' with the coffee on top
choppin' up the charlie then you put it in the coffee
twitch away the evening so the coffee has to stop

when you think that you find that you're out of your mind
you gotta freeze... jazz hands
and you can't be sure... is this the cure?
you gotta freeze... jazz hands
there's no charity cos' its all about me
you gotta freeze... jazz hands
this is not masturbation just touch the occasion
you gotta freeze...

HUH!
__________________________________________

just like that, and one day i will complete my designs for giant (white-gloved) jazz hands that i attach to my hips and join in with the actions... this whole playing a guitar thing is a bit of a pain in the ass re: jazz hands... (or any other action involving one or more hands)...

now i f i could just make them a lil' animatronic and get them either playing a cajon, or scratchin' on 1210's... well, then we'll be cooking with charcoal

happy time

dear sir (symptoms of y)

2011-06-09T00:37:00.000-07:00

dear sir,

i need to request x in regards to z, as i am currently suffering from y which is causing me severe difficulties.

yours sincerly

m
__________________________

dear m

your application for x in regards to z for reason y has been rejected.

your application has been rejected as you have demonstrated symptoms of y, and despite documentary evidence of y from an appropriate qualified professional, we have decided to reject your application as signs of y (amongst other things) are frowned upon by this organisation.

please do not be so foolish as to expect the slightest support from our organisation.

yours sincerely

sir

truck reading (chilli premonitions)

2011-06-08T01:37:00.000-07:00

closing in... round the corner...

E

gear down...

N

get irrate at silly little red not-car that has just cut you up on the massive roundabout owing to a limited understanding of traffic flow, and distinct disregard for lane discipline

C

engage handbrake

O

amber light... disengage handbrake, make it go 'mhrrrrrrr vuuub vuuub vuuub mhrrrr' (or similar)

N

light changes to green, apply pressure to accelerator and pull away...

but there's no A... bad times

there should have been an A! why? because then the lorry would have been full of encona chilli sauce... you know, the nice fruity one with scotch bonnets in it...

nom nom nom

although tbh, the thai sweet chilli variety would have been cool, as that compliments pretend cheese on toast perfectly... with a bottle of that, some bread in the freezer and a packet of pretend cheese you are officially well away in the big wide-world of student eats...

i have been told the former goes great in baked beans...

but i couldn't possibly comment...

don't like baked beans

'epic' propeller meltdown

2011-06-06T15:50:00.000-07:00

the 'on the wonk-ness' of that propeller is scarin' me a bit now...

i should probably work on the whole "its gonna break free from its mount and come careening across the motorway" obsession i appear to have developed... whilst born in final destination, i just see the actual effect itself as more 'epic' - something more fitting of the global armageddon that is '2012'...

(oh no! he's back onto the end of the world again...)

sailed past corley at a rate of knots though (happy time), listening to ash's 'supersonic 7"s', which by some queer quirk of fate was exactly the same length as my journey (19 tracks - 74 mins), but has left me with an unnaturally strong urge to make some bouncy pop-punk...

let's just say, its probably a good job that i wasn't listening to 'the downward spiral'... step away from the cd player (industrial)bwoi...

today i learnt that when you move sainsburys closer to toys 'r' us, no-matter the size of the sainsburys, there is lil' point in having a toy section... and thus, they don't. why did you move sainsburys? why did you move? but then the move did lead to the introduction of up/down auto-walks (like an escalator without the steps) which are prone to issuing harsh diktats regarding an individuals behaviour whilst travelling there-on...

(that's like two steps south of skynet)

and parking sensors in the parking spaces... which caused me a bit of anguish (don't got them round here... they'd probably end up adorning the exterior and interior walls of most of the local populace) - techno-parking, whilst becoming more common is still a lil' far out for me...

(one step...)

but then i don't really trust microwaves...

there's something just not-quite-right about them...

(***ping***)

more likely that the end of the world will start in a car park though... actually that's a complete lie, its just i love the whole dark car park thing you get going on in zombie movies... car park, tunnel, wherever its dark... that way zombie-joy comes...

that probably needs refining further, as the (exterior, well lit) car park in the day of the dead remake does supply a few moments fo amusement (burt reynolds)... and the whole dead gathering 'in the lot' and at the doors of the mall is a zombie apocalypse i can really dig...

there's something about that whole impending doom kick that i jus' really like...

it was executed poorly in diary of the dead... (but we're not going there right now...)

although i'm not sure that giant propellers feature in a zombie apocalypse scenario... i don't know, the two just seem a lil' incongruous, more like something out of a superhero/apocalypse (non-zombie) movie...

which is a bit of a shame...

cos its just round the corner from corley (and there's as good a chance as any that it will start there*...)

far-out

*it probably won't to be fair... its sure to start somewhere much more sinister like that funny lil' building by the river in alverly with a sign about a chlorine warning alarm... chlorine? yeah right... they're probably (inadvertently) making zombies down there, hence the field of cows... for protection

motorway driving II

2011-06-05T05:46:00.000-07:00

note to self - singing the "i don't gotta pee at corley - i'm gone pee at the watford gap" song doesn't work whilst travelling northbound... is going to lead to an unfortunate bout of geography-related disappointment...

although on the plus side, evidence would seem to suggest that those 'final destination' moments relating to the appearance of a truck carrying planks (with nails in them), pipes and other heavy gonna kill you (albeit in a slightly amusing way) stuff, are much more likely to happen to people in final destination movies...

still always pass the trucks slightly 'wide' on a windy day though...

i reckon that salt mountain (the one by the m6) would make for an excellent, if highly-contrived final destination death scene... by applying a liberal dose of manga, there's probably some way to utilise those little diamond things on the inside lane of the m6 (as you hurtle past the turn-off for the a38)...

but then if you're gonna go manga, i guess you don't really need to go final destination... you could sack off the teens, and the dodgy accidents and just replace them with mech-suits, bad dubbing and huge explosions...

right-on.

the big wind-turbine/propeller thing by the side of the m1 (daventry-ish, around DIRFT) is also mounted on the wonk... for real, when you watch it the rotation does look seriously laboured... this breaking its moorings and going prospecting on the motorway for cars is much more final destination i think...

so here we turn to the soothing influence of radio 4... the afternoon play, its something about an independent school and having tuned in half-way through, there is a definite air of the random to the proceedings... but at least it stopped everything exploding... (at least until the archers comes on!!!)

you can't beat it for delivering random factlets through-out the day either... and nothing beats woman's hour for soothing a traffic jam...

but around corley... we turn it off and let the manga hang-out...

cos its corley after all...

and there has to be rules...

although, if there was no corley, then there would be no "i don't gotta pee at corley" song, and i don't know if the western musical tradition would ever recover from such a loss...

or something...

the day before the election (contemporary like a time capsule)

2011-06-03T14:21:00.000-07:00

transcript of improvised election song recorded the day before the election last year...lyrics were improvised from very loose general knowledege of how the election campaign had been proceeding, and newspaper headlines from that days editions of both the metro and the sun (admitedly stretching the definition of newspaper a lil' bit there)...

the one time i did political, and it still got run through the fatbwoi filter - right on 8)

***warning... does contain several rude words, including repeated instances of 'that thing what we do in the riggin''*** __________________________________________________

the day before the election (in headlines)

don't leave us hangin' here just standin' here like 3 idiots in suits oh yeah
you know don't leave us hangin' nick clegg what do you think your going to do?
don't go and meet the audience, stand her with david cameron...
let's laugh at a-gordon brown
as he goes to shake the hand and he doesn't understand
why his personality it is not going down
cos nobody likes you gordon - cos you've got a face like an arse
nobody likes you david - because lets face it you're just too f***ing upper class
and the own-goals and sneaky tactics they're adding up
did a lie about the dodgy dealings?
yeah but no but yeah but no but yeah but not but yeah but no but...
do you like my vicky pollard top
i wanna be mr david cameron look at my nice audi car
or it might be something from the eighties like a lan-ci-a
this is gordon brown we are the party with the serious policies
you are not electing a tv personality
don't do what we tell you... three leaders. david cameron what does he say?
lets ask him - he said nothing's getting done with labour
and a vote for us gives britain the break that it deserves
what what what what what... what what what
and nick cleggs says that people are sick to the back teeth
of the blue team and the red team
they're taking turns what about the yellow team?
well nick clegg we would elect you
if you had yourself a better leader like that paddy ashdown bloke
cos at least he got caught with his pants down...
do you see what we did there? oh yeah!
and the labour candidate stands by the worst pm comment
and phillipa stroud stands by the you can cure gays comment
but if you got cured by her then you could stay in
the bed and breakfast that belongs to the other one
the vote it is going to the wire
gordon brown said something about sarah but it went away
what did it say?
what do we stand for? here is a lot of words in a sheet
that you're not gonna read from very far away
our at a glance guide to the parties - you what?
let's blast CO2 emissions? i think we're wandering off topic here
bring paxman back we need some jerry
oh jerry foss not jerry paxman, bring me jerry foss not jerry paxman
hmmmm hooo huuuh oooow ye-ahhh hooo
ah aaaaaaaaah-aaah-aaah-aaaaaaaaaah
carlos tevez has got manky hair
ah aaaaaaaaah-aaah-ooooooow

i can't see
sarah's been there all the way... i just love her
sarah tell me that you're going to stay - even when i'm on the dole
sarah now i'm, sad - i've got emotions

something rhymes with sad? bad?

and a rhyme with emotion? brad? rad? rad yeah

that's ice-cold baby, rad, slick, smooth as f***
__________________________________________________

of course, it did wander-off a bit in the middle, but i reckon i'd got it back on course by the downbeat emo outro... as you do

happy time

enter drama llama stage left...

2011-06-03T13:53:00.000-07:00

ah, drama...

thus we gone need a llama...

well we don't actually need one, as there's one ready prescribed for this very situation - 'the drama llama'

not to be confused with the term 'drama llama' as defined by the urban dictionary (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=drama%20llama)... similar to a drama queen but more 'internet'...

no godamnit... this is a genuine heavens-to-betsy llama... probably.

and lo... here he comes, fossicking forth from stage-left, as from that way weirdness comes (and that is a demonstrable scienceFAKT cat[llama]-fans!!!)...

veering toward downstage-left... NOT a drama llama

around about this point, it would appear that things begin to get a bit confused... there's talk of a waistcoat, red on the front and reminiscent of those ones jack russell's often wear, possibly glasses (horn-rimmed, on a string), undetermined maturity, a wispy goat-y beard (not to be confused with a goatee) and a whole host of other such weirdness...

(i am properly feeling the waistcoat though... possibly in some-kind of faux tartan...)

...and what does it want? (where does it stop? watch for the sign of the lollipop...)

whilst annoying... none of these are the drama llama

to be honest, it probably doesn't know what it wants... or even if there is actually an 'it' to 'want'... realistically its sense of self-awareness is probably 'up there' with its fashion sense (i.e. negligible)... i guess in his own llama-esque fashion, he is, like the joker 'just a dog chasing cars'...

and whilst he does appear to have a better grip on the subtle application of make-up than the purple-humourous-one, i reckon a pair of well-polished aviators would properly confuse the poor beast...

savvy llamas... with their digits firmly on the pulse,
they also get it on to their own bootsy-collins funk soundtrack

poor he... automated transportation is probably above this particular llama, i'm figuring (judging by the way he looks) that he probably never got past th.. threads in the llama book of life-skills...

but there he is.. fossicking about stage left... probably

as (has been previously stated) from that way weirdness comes...

(although empirically speaking, he may not actually be there at all...)

but the drama llama, and other assorted stage-left weirdness, is the only explanation i can find for the fact that i always seem to look left... its out there, but hey, what did you expect? but it is always a look left, not the guitar...

left...

9'o'clock...

la izquierda...

weird that...