the fatbwoi songbook V - can you hear me now?

swingin' in from stage left (as from that way weirdness comes...) with a rebellious demeanour and a slight whiff of popcorn and blue... bustin' some ill advised body poppin' chops designed to make the ladies go... uhm, somewhere... its that one that's NOT called chymn (pronounced chime)

also available in (original) rap-metal variety... the one with the tupac, but probably distinctly lacking in biggie (them's just the facts)... and sometimes garnished with retro-hop rap badness (not included... please collect six vouchers, get a responsible adult* to cut them out and send them along with 60p P+P)

*do not allow the bwoi to handle scissors

i present to you thus...

Can You Hear Me Now? 

so, that train has left the station

ten out of ten for your observation

did you speak to ease the situation

or just because the air was vacant

always seems that something is missing

check it out in the back there's girls and they're kissing

always wanna try something different

it doesn't matter cos no-one's listening

so... can you hear me now?

can you hear me now?

said ah no no no... can you hear me now?

can you hear me now?

stop me if there's something that you don't get

cos' i'm not convinced that you're playing with a full-deck

the odds are stacked in this game of russian roulette

now place the barel upside your head

nobody said that this world was fair

the idea it is a-pretty much out there

and no-one wants to admit they're scared

but look at me does it look like i care

so... can you hear me now?

can you hear me now?

said ah no no no... can you hear me now?

can you hear me now?

(woo-oooh woo-oooh woo-oooh...)

i suppose that i really should mention

just what it is - just what are my intentions

i was born a mother of invention

i don't speak - and you feel the tension

so... can you hear me now?

can you hear me now?

i got nothing to say... can you hear me now?

can you hear me now?

now i've a-run out of patience

there's no more trains there's no more stations

did you speak to ease the situation

cos' its a-seeming to me that the air's still vacant

always seems like something is missing

check it out in the back those girls they're still kissing

always wanna try something different

it doesn't matter cos' no-one is listening

so... can you hear me now?

can you hear me now?

i got nothing to say... can you hear me now?

can you hear me now?

so oh my god... can you hear me now?

are you listening... can you hear me now?

i got nothin' to say... can you hear me now?

and are you happy now?

i don't think i have ever been as into trains as this song might suggest, but i do remember practising the lyrics whilst playing 'the square game' (a posh name for a time-wasting, hanging off the washing machine kinda game we used to play in front of my house - as you do) with kenyon... back int' day, and stuff... wrote it on the bass, the original chorus being one of those bwoi goes matt bellamy moments... happy time

mailman (demo)

lifted from the forthcoming 'bonfire of the quangos' project...

the one about not reading what the mailman brings you... apparently that's one of them there rules (or something)... i don't think its one of those surviving horror movie type rules (let's be honest, they're getting kind of complicated)... but even jigsaw said "there has to be rules!"

featuring the funky-ass bass stylings of the big O, the digital introduction of baritone bwoi and a complete lie about the availability (for free) of a particular brand if satellite tv...

it gives a bit of an indication of where 'b.o.t.q' will be coming from, there'll be some drums (although not that many to be honest), definite deployment of multiple digital-bwois... a bit like a clone army (and if i can wrestle control of the senate we're home and dry...), and maybe some shaky weirdness...

and some (re-recorded) claps...

dude done hate the sound of his own clap

far out 8)

reasons to hate corley services... (herd of yeti)

i'm going to starbucks
gonna get myself a frappuccino
f-r-a-p p-u-c c-i-n-oooo yeah

yesterday started at corley services... and yesterday ended at corley services...

westbound, both times...

of course you shouldn't infer from this that i live at corley services... there was some day before the first visit and some day (well, night) after the second... the notion of starting and ending the day there is just a bit more 'poetic'... and you know its about the poetry. the effect of corley on the mind does however render a small grain of truth unto that statement... and whilst we're trading in truths... i actually have this proper irrational hatred of corley services (its a long-standing condition, its roots shrouded in the mists of time)

corley services (westbound)... now there's lovely

so the first visit was in the early half of the day... i'm not sure exactly when for reasons that may/may not become apparent in the fullness of time... there was a bit of a celebratory air to the morn... and music form a lyre (ok scratch that, its corley... i was there with frau linenwrecker, feeling pretty darn fine)...

done order a frappuccino... happy-[bwoi treat]-time 8)

"venti caramel frappuccino (coffee base) with extra coffee..." 

"do you want the whipped cream on the top" 

"oh yes, absolutely with the cream"

that's roughly how the conversation went... anybody who has sampled the joy of an x extra shot charged caramel frappuccino will be fully aware of the loveliness i was expecting... 

i, being pedantic as i am, was a lil' worried about the fact that the order 'process' had changed... there was a promotion... indeed.

after years of having starbucks'-barista-types giving me funny looks whenever i order a frap with extra shots in it... they're now advertising it as one of their 'things'... oh yes, now its a an 'extra-coffee frap' as opposed to a frap with shots...

for the record, the optimum number of espresso shots for a venti frappuccino is two. extensive research has taught me that whilst three provide one hell of a caffeine kick, the frap ends up a extremely easy to suck up the straw in one go... in such instances the iced-coffee/frap line is blurred, and its not quite right...

at two, the ratio is perfect trust me on this... 

anywho, promotions are generally an indicator of forthcoming bad-times... and lower quality delivery at the point of sale... (ooh mystery-shopper-bwoi!!) 

but i was undeterred.

once upon a time, i had a very interesting extra-shot/frap type incident... i had a craving, i was on the motorway, the services had a costa not a starbucks, but i figured they had a summer coffee product and surely you can add extra coffee to that...

digit's crossed i ordered one... just the one shot (playing it safe)

i received the strangest looking frap ever... it was essentially two drinks in one cup, and any attempt to mix the two substances was met with stubborn resistance...

essentially i had the creamy-cool caramel shake type drink on the top, and a steaming hot shot of espresso in the bottom... don't get me wrong, it was a nice drink... with careful application of 'straw technique' it was possible to get both hot and cold coffee goodness into your mouth at the same time...

the effect was a lil' weird, but good...

i always attributed the non-mixing to the different 'bases' used by starbucks and costa... the costa base has some kind of uht thing goin' on, and for this reason i have generally avoided them... the starbucks base always mixes perfectly...

well, until the other day...

when at corley, my extra-coffee frap was delivered unto me as two drinks in one cup... caramel frap goodness at the top, and a cold shot at the bottom... don't get me wrong, careful application of 'straw technique' made for a delightful drinkin' experience (if not the one i was expecting)...

but isn't it weird the one place that my frappuccino ever got messed up is corley services?!

i think its more than just coincidence...

although credit where credit is due, the toilets generally only smell of brown p!ss... to date the worst service station toilet experience i've had was at northampton services...

where a herd of yeti had apparently had earth-shattering bowel movements in and around the same cubicle... that morning the foyer positively hummed of sh!t, it was in a mound coming out of the top of the bowl, painted onto the side of the bowl, and the cubicle walls and floor... (its a well known fact that a herd of yeti cannot flush) it has to have been a team effort...

and the lil' light thingy that tells you when the next inspection of the facilities is due was telling me it was 18mins overdue...

but back to corley... the second visit was a toilet stop (relentless and lemonade induced, on the way back from the gig at bell)... fair enough i suppose...

but upon entering corley for the second time in the day, i suddenly became disorientated... struggling to even remember what day it was, and totally confused as to what (if anything) i had been up to in-between times...

it was like i'd only ever been at corley...

so how do they do it...? maybe its with 'the magnets' (lasers being too expensive to deploy nationally right?)?

i don't know, but corley can't mix a frappuccino and it messes with your brain... and in addition to being science_FAKT, they're also two damn good reasons to avoid the place...

there's something not quite kosher about corley services...

fatbwoi live @ the bell 270511

word up ye crazy cats! how the devil be thee?

last night i played a lil' surprise slot at the bell, little addington... there was (obviously) some shaking of the thang, and i had me a ve'y-enjoyable time - fo' sho'

its a cracking lil' place (where stevie grew up too fact fans...)... and the pub's got skittles!!! with a net, a puck-type-thing that you throw and everything! and the surrounding countryside killed the *insert name of crappy radio station here* reception in the car... shame-dat

opened with the one about the chicken... (for an absolute shocker), and then wandered around the catalogue a bit... mark wasn't in the room so i laid down some 'sunny afternoon', mark returned and thus a slice of 'jazz hands'...

continuing the (apparent) vibe of playing stuff i haven't done for a while i did a lil' bit of 'house of corpses'... really enjoyed that! for those that don't know, its another one of those true story songs (about my block of flats) and i used to open the set with it - back in the day... 'sall 7ths and everyfink

there was some 'cyhmn' shaped hip-hop commentary, before closing with the newbie 'bite me'... its only the third or fourth outing for that one (the words are still a lil' bit fluid) but i properly enjoyed it last night, the trumpet section seemed to go down probably the best it has (even with its impromptu sugar-fuelled extension)...

all in a top night 8)

enjoyed my man stevie (and mark's) set... some quality lead licks from the mjg right about there - right on. so big thanks to stevie for lettin' me play, and maximum thanks to the crazy cats in the pub

happy time

the wheels of steel.. (a kinda lo-res last.fm)

"...so what does fatbwoi listen to?"

i get asked that all the time, usually around the point that people realise my knowledge of guitarists (and most of the regular tunes people know how to play) is *extremely* uhm,... poor

when asked to name fifteen guitarists who inspired me, i got seriously stuck around six...

and i apparently don't have the attention span to do the infamous '30 day song challenge', plus there's all the negative 'ooh name a song you hate' days which i quite frankly can't be dealing with...

so here, in a lo-res last.fm stylee (no scrobbling here - just typin') is an attempt to go some way towards answering the question... the last ten songs i listened to (like a snapshot of a moment in time...)

intergalactic - beastie boys
i want you around for this melody - gideon conn
electrobank - the chemical brothers
push th' lil' daisies - ween
stop it you're killing me - therapy?
true skool - coldcut ft. roots manuva
g.d.m.f.s.o.b. (unkle uncensored remix) - dj shadow ft. roots manuva
ooh la la - the wiseguys
million suns - ooberman
every single day - dodgy

what's up next...?

coffee

gigs in june... (and beer)

word up you crazy cats...

here-in lies the execution of my civic duty, the passing on of my proposed where-abouts so that you are given adequate notice to vacate the locality (the government has deemed that its for your own good... and they're right about everything right?!)...

its all about the beer this month... well actually its not, its almost always about the lemonade, but we shall continue... its about the beer because i am playing not one, but two beer festivals on the same weekend...

right-on...

so without further ado... gigs in june (like pigs in space, but not...)

june

sun 12th - 20.00hrs - the bat and wicket, northampton

sat 18th - 17.00hrs - the cross keys beer festival, milton keynes

mon 20th - 12.30hrs - rowell charter beer and acoustic festival, kettering

they're all free, so if you wish to thumb your nose in the face of legislation, c'mon down and shake a lil' thang... well that seriously works for me 8)

peace out y'all

motorway driving

learnt me an important lesson today... listening to the beastie boys first thing in the morning can affect your outlook to the day in a manner similar to the shamen... the wailing down the motorway may have contributed to the feeling, (there ain't nothin' beats a slice of 'intergalatic' while the sun is sortin' its business out...) but the basic principle still holds...

although, truth be told, i didn't start the music until after the early morning shipping forecast... gotta love the shipping forecast (there's a whole bunch of gale-force action today btw)... its a proper soothing influence... if i ever pull up at home after a gig and the shipping forecast is on, no matter how much i need to go, nobody passes go until the forecast is done...

in the morning it does seem a bit more random (nonsensical) yet equally soothing... as with all unscientific studies this result may have been influenced by beastie-boy-contamination...

then i'm in tesco... event horizion top of the £5 dvd chart (and rightly so) in a lovely special edition box with a red cover (i quite like the red, although the green tinged faces of the original poster are truly iconic)... and there's a sweeper thingy... its beeping...

its not quite as funky as the dishwasher from the other day... but it would appear that i'm still making a beat in my head, except - disaster! the beep is about 1/32 too long and is jarring with the offbeat i'm putting in the last bar of the beat...

at this point i just want to wrestle the sweeper thingy off the attendant shouting "this lacks the funk of the dishwasher from the other day", and work my funky thang on the on-off switch to make it fit the beat, or at the very least get a bit of a remix goin' on...

but i restrained myself and continued to mooch around the shop... thinking about dishwashers

or more specifically how my certified crack-head parental unit used to soak and wash all the dishes before loading them into a prehistoric (5 car wide) borscht dishwasher (faded ancient black and yellowing plastic, used to put out about 95dB of random noise - beat that matlab!)... isn't that a bit like going up to your mate mike and saying "woof" with the purpose of expressing the notion you just bought a dog?

or...

well actually that's about as far as that thought got, cos by this point i was back to beatcraftin' with my mind...

kinda jazzy number, with a bit of a shuffle... some nice ride work, and then in came the upright bass...

happy time

harold camping says...

"this is what happens when you find a stranger in the alps larry"

obviously i didn't let the complete lack of apocalypse (and also apparent lack of rapture - everyone i knew was out) get in the way of the apocalypse party at the cross keys on saturday... couple of reasons, the main one being - that is just not tennis...

another would have to be that believer or no, it wouldn't do to be uhm... 'premature', and dampen the atmosphere now would it?! why premature? well, i couldn't help but notice that on the 21st the actual time of the event became very fluid, and which ever way you looked a different apocalyptic event was scheduled at a slighlty different time... i got 06.00 for the NZ earthquake off hc (and also radio 4), loads of people told me it was 18.00 our time, whilst the non-rapture website started receiving evidence of the non-passing from around the globe from 18.00 local time (insert us timezone here)...

so all day, it was gonna happen between 18.00-21.00 uk time, and that woulda been a shitter as i may have possibly been damned for eternity whilst in the car park of wolverton tescos... i definitely wouldn't have got to shake that thang - and therein lies bad times. the last time suggested was 02.00 (i was driving... i would been damned in tipton - although there are those that would argue i was already by being there) in line with the non-rapture website/us time zones... 

incidentally, choc-chip digestives? now that's a biscuit right about there...

ultimately, in one of those weird quirks i was up and about at every predicted hour of the apocalypse, and it did not happen... it thought i wouldn't mention it til sunday, just in-case it (doomsday) was being subtle...

but having heard the dire prognostications of hell on earth on the 22nd, with millions dying, i thought the apocalypse might be having a moment before building up a head of steam...

plus the 22nd would yield the added joy of 'asking harold'...

but as the 22nd dawned, hc was nowhere to be seen...

had he ascended to heaven in a much-smaller-than-predicted rapture? had he killed himself because of the shame of mispredicting the end of days not just once, but twice? had he fled the country, to go and spend his days living off his ill gotten gains somewhere in south america? was he in hiding, probably because of the shame?

uhm... no.

the enigmatic hc reappeared last night (no, private rapture then), and did the only thing he could. it would be impossible for a such a god-fearing man to do anything other than take the can himself. oh yeah, that old doozey... human error. yeah you got it... he misread the prophecy. its still all going to happen, just at the other end of the time window he predicted...

its probably something to do with the carrying of ones... or powers, its quite often with the powers

yes ladies and gentleman, he miscalculated the prophecy by five months... (naturally... that's such an obvious amount to miscalculate by, at least when the predicted apocalypse didn't happen in 1844, the man who predicted it at least had the grace to say he was out by a 'generation' - a statement which 30 years later lead him to reassess his own definition of 'generation')

***update... fresh off the press 24/05/11 GMT... the e'er enigmatic hc has actually blamed god for the non-rapture! well, that's technically blamed god... hc has attributed the complete lack of rapture and 'hell-on-earth' to god's mercy. essentially, this new merciful is gonna spare humanity the suffering of the predicted 5 month rapture... apparently he's gonna opt for the 1 day 'express rapture' - which is nice.

one also infers from this that the god that created the world in 7 days doesn't actually have any problems disposing of man-made materials such as concrete (as i had previously suggested), and if he was so willing to switch to such a different plan so easily. from this we can draw one of two conclusions...

a - the express rapture was always on the cards as far as god is concerned, he is omnipotent and wouldn't not need five months to conduct the affairs of 'the end of days' and is probably wondering what all this guff the apparently ill-informed hc is spouting...

b - the notion that the supreme being would unnecessarily 'drag-out' the suffering of his most loved creation, especially when (simplistically speaking) that's what he created hell for - the punishment of damned souls, seems a lil' on the sadistic side to me... just puttin' it out there, is hc in league with the devil? devil's probably not great with concrete, hence the 5 months of hell on earth...  he does mis-information... nothing happened saturday, right?! the plot thickens...

(and a third 'just-putting-it-out-there' option)

c - nut-job, old and wisened... like a salty peanut***

that's right, the end is still coming... but we can sit back and enjoy the summer first...

i'm gonna be honest... i was hoping hc would come out as one of those 'it did happen, but it was invisible' types... but i suppose hc's god is too 'fire and brimstone' to do anything invisibly. oh, and 'invisible' has been done before...

but then so has 'human error'...

***i do think hc is the first one to actually lay the blame squarely at god's feet...***

what i love so much about these predictions is the whole notion that the apocalypse is gonna start at a nice round number (the top of a whole new hour if you will...), and the wonderful assumption there-in that the astral/heavenly clock is in sync with 'man-time'...

for all we know 'man-time' started at 13.27 on the astral clock, and there may only be one point every millenia where the two are in sync... unlike a broken watch which is right at least twice-a-day...

and i'm gonna work on the idea that until one of these armageddon types predicts that 'the big one' is gonna start bang square on the hour, i'm gonna disbelieve him... but the first one that hits me up with a random time, i'm gonna pause for a second and check the credentials on his line upstairs...

will i ever see you again...?!  sure baby, next meltdown.

the fatbwoi songbook IV - the soulcalibur song

na na na na naa (or something)...

but do you know what time it is?!
4.30... (its not late, its early...) but seriously, you crazy cats it is time for the fourth installment of the fatbwoi songbook...

the second trilogy... a bit like star wars, except in this case they come along quicker and there is nothing as exceptionally whack as the phantom menace... yes we get the idea george, he's an exceptional pilot, now please don't put him in the yellow ship...

oh - too late.

this is the one about the fighting games, specifically soulcalibur, and playing your mate at it so obssessively that nothing else is real... the hours of tappping buttons and developing combinations, for that moment of oh so sweet victory... the days devoted to unlocking items of clothing to pimp out your character... oh yes, its not just about beating your friend... its about looking damn good whilst you're doing it... its about going outside and being surprised that people are wearing normal clothes...

although the extra observant will notice that spinning bird kick, hadouken and yoga x are all ripped from streetfighter... i guess capcom just cornered the market on chorus-worthy combat noises - right on.

altogether now... (wah-ow) spinning birdkick

the soulcalibur song

well it appears i have to teach you with pain

who are you? what are you? tell me your name...

and don't you ever underestimate...

the strength of your opponent (no)

well now its time for me you to maim

your stats they are not as good as you claim

through the combinations or the chaos play

the result will be the same

(she gives me)

(wah-ow) spinning bird kick

(wah-ow) hadouken

(wah-ow) spinning bird kick with the yoga fire y'all

(wah-ow) spinning bird kick

(wah-ow) hadouken

(wah-ow) yoga flame

well, daisy doesn't like suzy q
although they used to be friends
some hardcore bisexual issues
caused their friendship to end (woo woo woo)
and now they fight at every opportunity (oh yeah)
its daisy with those nun-chucks and suzy with a big stick (oh baby)
and they will fight for all eternity
and nobody knows who will win... cos its a grudge match

(she gives me)
(wah-ow) spinning bird kick
(wah-ow) hadouken
(wah-ow) spinning bird kick with the yoga fire y'all
(wah-ow) spinning bird kick
(wah-ow) hadouken
(wah-ow) yoga flame

[spoken]
triangle triangle square, you gotta press left a bit
you can't actually get him in the face from there
he's like that green guy from streetfighter two, with the electricity stuff - yeah blanka
(try some) L1 R1 L1 R1 L1 R1 L1 R1 too late - you're dead - its my go...

(she gives me)
(wah-ow) spinning bird kick
(wah-ow) hadouken
(wah-ow) spinning bird kick with the yoga fire y'all
(wah-ow) spinning bird kick
(wah-ow) hadouken
(wah-ow) yoga flame

oh no submit to me - don't take me lightly
beg me forgiveness - this is naughty naughty
what is it? well its elmination by force
oh baby i love these life or death decisions

(she gives me)
(wah-ow) spinning bird kick
(wah-ow) hadouken
(wah-ow) spinning bird kick with the yoga fire y'all
(wah-ow) spinning bird kick
(wah-ow) hadouken
(wah-ow) yoga flame

well daisy she don't like suzy q,
and suzy q she does not like daisy...
and boris was never that keen on clive
cos he thinks his dress sense is a lil' crazy...

(she gives me)
(wah-ow) spinning bird kick
(wah-ow) hadouken
(wah-ow) spinning bird kick with the yoga fire y'all
(wah-ow) spinning bird kick

(wah-ow) hadouken

(wah-ow) yoga flame

gonna kick your ass again

daisy was my character... she had this urban terrorist chic going on (beret and a face-mask)... suzy q was mart's character who had this annoying stripey pyjamas stylee body garment going on, and an equally annoying big stick. its best if we just pass over 'bondage' boris (if you knew mart, you'd understand)... and if i'm honest, i don't think clive was my best fashion design moment, what with his big puffy trousers and assorted accessories - he did look a bit like some kind of mentalist man-butterfly... which is nice

the dishwasher got swing... (not the washing machine, martin)

"what? you can't be serious?!"
"yeah, and then he kinda shambled on like this..."
"shambled?"
"exactly."
"oh."

so i was listening to the dishwasher the other night (not my dishwasher, i don't have one - the main reason being that dave [still not my cat] insists they're bad for the general feng shui of my place), and i have to admit it was one of the coolest dish washers i've ever heard...

its a lot cooler than that dishwasher the eastender's writer's had martin dancing to when he was hiding out, off his box, in the laundrette sometime way back in y2k...

personally i reckon they missed a trick, i reckon they should've put martin in joe absolom's tin-foil covered room for his own shiny uber-disco experience... but i may be getting confused with time.

let's face it though, washing machines are only really good for percussive sounds... you can get some lovely bangs and booms out of a washing machine that'll nicely compliment any sampled 'kitchen drum kit'... but the noise they make in operation (as it were) is uhm,... much less good.

but this dishwasher... it was proper jazzy. it was layin' down a lovely bit with just a slice of swing... we're talkin' proper groovy... took less than a minute to get me humming a bass line over the top of it, and swingin' my hips...

i was dancing better than martin (scienceFAKT)

got me thinkin' though...

if different brands make different noises, and should i ever be in a position to buy a dishwasher...

will the people in the shop let me load them all up and set them off to establish which one has the best groove?!? i'm thinkin' now that i have heard the swing-jazz-no-washer i'd be proper pissed if ended up with the techno-viking of the dishwasher world...

would it be wrong if you ended up buying the worlds least efficient appliance (in some real cack colour) because it played a better song?

and while we're on the subject, does anybody know of a hoover that's in a more musical key than the 'one-wheeled-"the-boss"' that lurks in my cupboard?!

fatbwoi live @ the cross keys 210511

1x setlist - check 

2x capo, 2x plectrum - check (one of them is blunt)

sneakers (pair) - check

lemonade - check

...well kind of it's on the table... with the set-list 8)

rapture or none, had me a most-excellent time shakin' that thang last night at the cross keys... i reckon we did the apocalypse party in still, and big-love to all the crazy cats who came down...

but back-up a lil' bit, and i had a proper weird moment... 

sipping on my stripe-shandy was i, when a small girl in a lilac dress did approach me and ask "where is the bear?"

proper caught me off-guard that did... (turns out she was the landlord's daughter, and she'd just watched the bullet vid upstairs... and paul had intimated i might bring the bear with me).

but then in a flash (and with a lil' help from joey) i remembered that the bear suffers with 'terrible travel sickness' and won't generally spend 'more than ten minutes in a car' - oh yeah effective counter!!!

i woulda been good if she'd asked about the mermaid, its easy to explain how she got up a tree... but down the motorway - c'mon, she's a mermaid!!!

bear : strength - great dancer, weakness - 'travel sickness'

opened with the chicken (for a shocker), although given the occasion i maybe should opted for '1-800', which i proper enjoyed playing, complete with its added crazy-american-geriatric-predicting-doomsday resonance - right on...

additional air-con provided by stevie - check

its mk, so natural law dictates that i have to play 'back in the day'... although i was distressed to discover that the field, which used to be orchard hall back in the day,  is being redeveloped as a range of luxury 2, 3 and 4 bedroom homes - bad times

played me a bit of 'sandman' for paul... i'm a bad dude (sorry paul), and for obvious reasons i was rewarded with a wry shaking of the head... i think paul would prefer it with a bit less swing, and a bit more metallica :P

another rare outing for 'krshna says' too... the apocalyptic vibe of the evening seemed more than fitting, and it went down pretty-darn well (in addition to the usual benefit of bringing you closer to the godhead)...

played newbie 'bite me' too... am seriously loving the bwoi-the-trumpet bit at the end, i feel i may have to this more (natural law)

ended on 'forces' (natural law), and handed control of the 'fate of the world' the girl dancing at the front... fairly confident that this was a good move as there are very few things i can actually be trusted with...

all in a top night, thanks to stevie for inviting me... was a bit 28 days later drivin' up the m1 with the street-lighting off, but it was dark (its only dark in the north in 28 days later) and far too windy... so i figured we were probably safe from the cdc predicted zombie outbreak in the event of the rapture, as when it happens its gonna look far cooler

happy time  

freshly bearded for the apocalypse...

"i don't get paid to believe... i get paid to [mess] [stuff] up..."

the mutant chronicles - abridged

the apocalypse is nigh...

and we're not talking about the zombie apocalypse i have been predicting, which let's face it boy-beings and girl-beings, is a quantifiable mathematical/scientific certainty...

zombies man, a mathematical/scientific certainty...

oh no... apparent there is some seriously biblical business about to go down... its the time of the rapture, according to harold camping...

harold tells it how it is... yes harold, we hear ya!

yeah apparently the second coming is gonna happen tomorrow, 21st May 2011 is the first day of judgement and millions of people are going to die whilst the righteous few ascend to heaven...

...and i got a gig!! its @ the cross keys, milton keynes - c'mon down, we is having an apocalypse party 8)

according to hc, the second coming will start with an earthquake in new zealand at 07.30 (or thereabouts), now i know that would suggest that the gig maybe in trouble as judgement day will have already begun elsewhere around the globe, but in all honesty i have reached the conclusion that nutty as he is, hc probably doesn't even acknowledge the concept of time-zones beyond the one in which he is living...

i'm not sure exactly which part of the states he lives in, but that puts him behind us meaning there should still be an opportunity for thang shakery... (ok, i just found another site which suggests hc thinks its all going to kick off at 15.00PST on saturday... we are thus fine to par-tay)



but what strikes me as a lil' weird about this situation is the fact that people have sold all of their worldly goods and sent the money to hc, such is the power of their belief that the world will end on saturday...

i heard reports today of a company which has been set-up which will, for a premium, care for the pets here on earth, after the righteous have ascended to heaven...

i've gotta be honest though, i like the way they operate... the company are offering a 10 year doomsday insurance, that covers a whole host of predicted apocalypse dates... just in case hc is wrong, and it doesn't all go down tomorrow...

but of course, with such power and conviction of belief ole' hc couldn't be wrong... could he?!

here's a lil' something i lifted from http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/Wolves/harold_camping.htm (with all capitalisation removed...)

"harold camping is a false prophet! The following are just a few of his false doctrines that have been taught, and that you would hear live on his heretical "family radio"...

1. harold camping proclaimed that the lord's return would be in 1994!

2. harold camping now proclaims that the lord's return will be on 21 may, 2011!

3. harold camping teaches that the world will end in fiery destruction on october 21, 2011!

4. harold camping (family radio) has aired mormon advertisments!

5. harold camping taught that no-one was saved between 1988 through 1994!

6. harold camping teaches that the church age ended in 1994!

7. harold camping teaches that the holy spirit is no longer working in the church!

8. harold camping teaches that every church in the world is apostate!

clearly, harold camping is not a true christian, and has fabricated his own cult... the word of god must be our final authority, and not the traditions and lies of men."

i think that just about clears everything up right? (dont know about you, but i do love a good bit of religious bickering!!)

so hc has been wrong before... the immeadiate reaction to his 'teachings' is something along the lines of...

"yo harold, what you gonna do when the sun still comes up on the 22nd?"

obviously jesus-is-saviour.com puts the ill-informed right on this, hc doesn't think that the world will cease to be on that day... more that the destruction of the earth will take about five months. call me cynical, but surely an omnipotent all-powerful god who could build all of creation in seven days would be able to destroy the earth in less than five months... especially if the righteous all ascend to be by his side on the first day...

when quizzed by a caller to his radio show, hc admitted that he did not know exactly what would happen on the 22nd, but that it would be (and this paraphrased) "hell on earth" and "millions would die"... and other such fire and brimstone phrases suggesting that it may not be a nice day...

bad times

he's not the first guy to predict the second coming... william miller predicted it would happen in 1844, some people were obviously a bit miffed when it didn't... the seventh day adventists decided that jesus had returned, invisibly (yeah right), and would make his presence felt soon (luke i can feel your presence)...

other branches of the christian faith keep bouncing the date back a lil' more each time it doesn't happen, basing the fault on misreadings or misinterpretations of the scripture...

its all a bit like nostra-whats-his-face...

personally i think a zombie apocalypse is more 'god' than this whole taking five months to wipe out the world schtick that hc is pedalling... the whole "when there's no room in hell, the dead will walk the earth" angle works better for me...

the pub is also a sweet please to hole-up for the duration...

therefore in such a case, i reckon that makes us safe to shake some thang tomorrow...

grown me a lil' beard (cos it makes me look a lil' older/scruffier delete as appropriate), dyed the top, primed the guitar, and stopped making sense...

i make that all systems go...

if you want i'll hedge some bets for us, and slip krshna says back in the set, on the off-chance that it may curry some favour with one of the other true deities... the chorus brings you closer to god, or so i've heard!!

peace-out y'all

NEXT GIG - Sat 21st May @ The Cross Keys, Milton Keynes

or find it on the bookface at: http://www.facebook.com/#!/event.php?eid=162353967162573

Feed (2005) - a review

***WARNING THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS, AND ALSO DISCUSSES SOME OF THE UNPLEASANTNESS IN THAT FILM 'FEED' WHAT I DID WATCH... EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T WRITE IT YET, I KNOW THAT AM PROBABLY GOING TO SWEAR AND USE WORDS REFERRING TO  'MAN PARTS'... (although probably just the one time... right near the beginning)***

"hi i'm patrick thompson, son of actor jack thompson, you may remember me from films such as 'man-thing' (2005), the seventh floor (1994), and that glorious piece 'feed' (2005) where i play a blonde very poorly adjusted individual..."

right-on, and i'm the thang-shakin' fatbwoi, and for one night only i am reprising my role as film-critic/movie-review-bod for your personal delectation...

i haven't reviewed a film for at least 13 years, the last one i did was whilst writing for the sixth form magazine i edited back in concrete-cowland all those moons ago... it was a review of 'legends of the fall', and as i recall, i got in a lot of trouble with some of the people at college as it was a-bit down on brad pitt... oh and i revealed the ending (he gets munched by a bear)... although in hind-sight, it may have been the tone in which i discussed the ending (over-celebratory i believe would be a pretty damn applicable term)...

far out... thus, bwoi gone get all barry norman (like in that sepultura track)...

name - Feed

released - 2005

cert - 18

starring - Alex O'Loughlin, Patrick Thompson, Gabby Millgate...

"Provocative, shocking and utterly compelling, FEED is a daring, stylish and totally uncompromising psychological thriller that employs the conventions of the serial killer genre to tackle the controversial world of internet voyeurism" 

...yeah man, that's what it says on the box, and that's a stall pretty well set-out right about there, and a big ole claim to boot...

verdict? fail... let's get this right out there... the internet is literally a plot tool to get all these people together, essentially super-cyber-cop in sydney finds dubious site where evil goes on via his magic computer skills (its what our hero does, seamlessly, he only just finished the last bust...), gets shut down by site owner (psycho) who is also a computer whizz... tells boss, who doesn't believe him... goes rogue, gets on a plane to america and there-in the films tenuous exploration of internet voyeurism ends... that's maybe half an hour in

but enough, let's back-up a bit... and see what happens at the beginning...

cops raid house, there's a penis in a pan (!!!) ...they go upstairs, there's a dude eating another dude in the bath-tub (i'm fairly sure it's the latter's johnson) who then starts wailing 'i want to be eaten'...

as intro's go, esp for this kind of shock horror business, its not bad... out-classed by every 'saw', but then the assumption is that this is aiming for a different kind of market. although penis in a pan less than a couple of minutes in is pretty out there...

...and then it gets a bit weird.

we cut between scenes of a very large lady being fed by her impossibly buff tattoos-drawn-on man-friend and hero cop at work or having dysfunctional sex with his slightly weird (and extremely sexually charged) girlfriend...

characterisation is as thin as shit... you can get away with it with the psychopath character because that's just the way they are...

where i struggle is when the hero cop insists on looking at evil porn all day, and then saddling himself with a weird-nympho girlfriend who quite obviously has some serious issues... and what's with the brutal random sex... the man is himself an argument for desensitisation through repeated exposure... this may be the point, but tbh i pretty much don't give a shit about him as he comes across as a bit of a tosser...

from here-on in, there are no more 'penis in a pan' moments, and it becomes a film about feeders and gainers (blondey-psycho-man is feeding his girls to death *shock horror* ...i don't know if that's actually giving anything away, as its pretty obvious, and it says it on the box)... which brings me to the second problem...

the characterisation of deidre is also thin (no pun intended) but this is not the problem... no, the problem is that  she spends the whole film wearing a scarf or other neck garment whilst laid in bed... and it just looks like its there to mask the join in the fat-suit... which is pretty darn impressive as fat suits go...

i spent the whole film thinking i recognised her... and whilst i decided early on that the psycho looked a bit like the dopey one out of 'beverly hills cop', it took me a while to click that she was in 'muriel's wedding'...

so yeah, once the net voyeurism angle has been exploited as much as it ever will... we move into typical (if hammy) psychological thriller territory... where the hero and the villain attempt to out manoeuvre each other around a small american town...

what i don't get is, that if your tracking a psycho round small town, and then he turns up at your motel room in the morning and offers you coffee and a burger.... why the fuck do you eat it? stoopid policeman. (it seems that michael the psycho always buys his burgers from the same place... do they not wonder why this dude appears to eat so many burgers?!)

i'm not going to give away the ending... i've learnt my lesson, and if you can deal with 'penis in a pan' and 'shit on a plate' its worth a watch... if you've seen 'fight club' you'll see the twist/reveal coming miles and miles away... the flashbacks are a bit lame, one might even say cheesey, but as an well-weird romp goes - they'll suffice...

the end also has another lil' twist, with a touch of the stilton about it, but its nicely done... there is a lovely tableau in there that i bet had some film-student somewhere creaming himself for weeks...

so there you have it... worth a watch (if you're into that kind of thing), although not a stand-out in its genre... for me it didn't live up to all the claims of 'shocking' 'uncomfortable' etc on the box... but it was pretty fucking weird... esp during the first 40mins, when the strands are still a bit maelstrom-y and haven't yet resolved themselves from a collection of mad images into a story...

the story itself is ok... but not as clever as it thinks it is...

pros - deidre's neck-wear, that bloke from beverly hills cop, the twist

cons - penis in a pan, the flashbacks