some dates for your diary...

word up you crazy cats!!!

as previously established, the suits in the government have advised (initially in a white paper, the bill has now moved onto for debate the house) that i must give each and every one of you due and fair warning of any instance where upon i may be spotted shaking that thang on public...

its for your own safety...

they were also insistent that i describe it in an overwordy verbose stylee... 7 words where 3 will do?!

don't mind if i do... 8)

4th July - Broken Amp @ Adam and Eve, Birmingham

23rd July - G (off of Boomshadow's birthday bash), a secret location, probably in the midlands

20th August - Boston Tea Party, Worcester Music Festival, Worcester

28th August - Bat and Wicket, Northampton

i'll provide more details as and when they become available - its a legal obligation right about there...

peace-out y'all

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today's not-wednesday

today, on this previously glorious but now overcast, not-wednesday i find my mind is preoccupied with 'many' different things...

and like a kettle that has boiled, i shall pour it out thus...

1 - really shouldn't have made reference to kettles or coffee without actually having a cup of coffee in my immediate vicinity... [school-boy error right about there...]

2 - cut aubergines (or possibly courgettes) appear to smell a bit like cat-sh!t... i woke up this morning convinced that dave (still not my cat) had left me a lil' parcel on the doormat as he is wont to do... (really should stop just tossing it out of the 'communal' window)... i even opened the door expecting to be greeted by a huge laws-of-physics-defying steam-y heap-y... but it was not there.

i threw the aubergines (and courgettes) into the bin and now the smell seems to be localised around there... i have in effect made a scientific, and also highly marketable, discovery...

thus...

"do you need portable cat stink, but can't be dealing with carrying around cat droppings just on the off-chance?! well we here at bwoi industries have a solution... Porta-Stank, a vacuum sealed pouch giving you the ultimate in bad-cat-tray badness at your convenience..."

[yeah, dragon's den here we come...]

3 - the alarm that goes off every time there's a hint of thunder is going off again... [still not as good for dancing too as a washing machine, but putting a break-beat behind it was amusing for a while...]

4 - i still don't have a brew... [and the kettle still isn't boiling]

5 - squeeze's 'pulling mussels from a shell' appears to be stuck on repeat in my head... which i guess is just one of those things... top tune though, got a one note guitar solo in it too...

happy not-wednesday y'all 8) [happy not-wednesday y'all]

i'm off to go and address the not-brew issue... [damn right]

proto-roscoe music... (everyone needs someone)

ghetto's look the best...

when they've been blessed...

and spot-lit on...

a stage...

...yeah man, that's exactly how that thought looked in my head too...

listened to this a couple of times in the last few days...

i go through phases with it, its about 7 (even quite possibly 8) years old, and a genuine heavens-to-betsy example of proto-roscoe music... the importance of which will become clear later on...

short answer, is that its part of the answer to 'that' question - "what would it sound like if fatbwoi made electronic music?" (or quite possibly "what does the bwoi sound like when he's playing something else?" regardless of whether or not either of these questions were actually asked...)

this one is from my days in 'the kiosk'... we were like spiritual experimental rock/dance/alternative crossover... (quite possibly a genre before its time), a 3 piece consisting of me on sampler, synths, guitar and occasional bass; a guy called phil on battered acoustic and occasional bass; and the legend johnathan bannister on vocals, sometimes bass and assorted percussion, wind and prayer instruments... 

we had quite a few tracks, generally built around beats and deceptively complex layers of sound provided by the big red sampler... the use of which did lead to a few hairy program changes at times when i was supposed to be playing the guitar...

this is the track where i snuck a pseudo-reggae breakdown in whilst the other two were making a cup of tea... oops...

the flute at the end (when the whole 16th century vibe kicks in) is a beautiful lil' thing, and probably deserved recording in a much more professional manner than it was... but we were running this whole lo-fi trip at the time, so y'know...

but yeaman, it bounces along on its own pitch-shifted hi-hats tip quite happily, and features a judicious application of ludicrous effects... personally, i don't see what more a producer could ask for...

so if you ever wonder what i sound like armed with a sampler, as part of an experimental trio (or even if you haven't), why not give it a whirl?!

you can listen to it, and even download it for free (in glorious mp3 format), should you so desire, from last.fm... via the magic of the link below...

http://www.last.fm/music/The+Kiosk/_/Everyone+Needs+Someone

cooking prawns...

i love cooking prawns...

its a thing that i have only recently discovered... but yeaman - bwoi like that right about there!

its like a mini-magic event in your pan...

prawn goes in blue...

uncooked peeled king prawns (blue)... mine came sans citron

 throw in some crazy business...

"tonight matthew i will be adding a whole pile of garlic and juice and gubbins of a single lime to my prawns-in-a-pan..."

prawn comes out pink...

cooked peeled king prawns... levitating

magic... in a pan  

right about there...

even better than a global hypercolour t-shirt...

and the thing with the limes involved the addition of cherry tomatoes, more limes, sweet chilli sauce, spring onions... and noodles! served on (get me) a bed of baby spinach leaves...

it was lovely 8)

2008 Treer Saltair

this has got to be, quite simply, one of my favourite adverts ever... i haven't seen the bouncy bold box advert (as recorded off the tv on my mom's old school video of the animated lord of the rings, where the tv announcer helpfully points out that the studio ran out of money so couldn't make the whole story, and tells us the ending over the credits - take note peter jackson!!!), with the lady, boy and other assorted community members pushed the bouncy box down and then cracked the world's biggest-fakest shock surprise smile when it sprang back up - i was a lot younger in those days and my tastes were different...

it was mainly the 'bouncing' (bwoooow) noise i liked anyway... i do remember there being some money in the advert, probably the amount of money you would save by buying bold (the details are a bit sketchy), and older more cynical me would be more inclined to rob it or throw it at the smug grinning people as a way of discouraging them...

bad older cynical me... 8)

but it appears (for a shocker) that i have digressed...

if more adverts were like this... i would buy more stuff, and therefore in the world-view of jeffery goines be a better consumer/much-'well-er' and better adjusted individual... he is however a fictional character... who live in a mental home

marks and spencer's have been trying it for years... with their food porn. do i shop in m+s? no... because there's something so fwar fwar (foie gras) and veneered about the whole m+s thing that nothing could redeem it...

except maybe some duck sex... on a pancake, with seaweed nearby...

then i'd probably buy my crispy aromatic duck from there... but probably also be a bit put-out that i only got half a duck...

on the flip-side, show me half a duck getting it on, and i may take a bit more persuading to buy it...

BUT... if more adverts were like this... i'd definitely buy more stuff...

(and here's the science bit...)

multiply me exponentially... could even cure the global economic down-turn...

right on 8)

here come the spider people...

wicked lo-fi video by world famous visionary, mind-bending iconic leftfield director rasterpopulos for the experi-jazz creation that is 'here come the spider people' from 2008's 'experi-jazz sessions - minus one'...

the track, as too the genre, simply defy pigeon-holing, and rallies in the face of definition...

an improv recorded in mono, featuring rasterpopulos on the t-type electric and fatbwoi on vocals/acoustic 'spider people' is the final track of the minus one session (which was indeed, quite as session...), and it takes the listener back to the exact point in time where the album begins...

'plectrum in my mouth'

messing with your perception of time... man

yeah right, it would appear that the heavy session that lead to the creation of this work may also have involved a large amount of wreck-ed philosophy and a healthy smattering of conceptualising... 

far out

here comes the spider people

look at their eight arms... and lots of eyes

they are THE SPIDER PEOPLE

spider spider, spider spider, spider spider, spider spider, spider spider

here come the spi-der people...

... i need to change the sound.

my lil' rhyming dictionary...

"along came a spider... he was freaky like dracula..."

"yeah, nice rhyme keith"

you gotta love rhyming dictionaries...

at least, someone has to otherwise they'd feel all useless and lonely...

i've got one, someone got it for me as a present many many years ago, when i was just getting my head around this whole song-writing tip... and i must have used it uhm... loads of times. 

although generally for the exact opposite purpose for which it was intended... choosing words to be avoided...

mr meph soars over wittenburg (allegedly) 

i did once start writing a song exclusively using rhymes from the lil' blue book, i chose '-e(a)se' as my starting point, within the first three lines there's reference to both staples of modern song-writing... mephistopheles and journalese... (it had a proper old-skool 8-bit beat behind it - probably best we leave it at that)   

although it was probably better than my anti-limp bizkit rap song... that had some cheese-tastic distortion sample through delay... some nice word-play (complete with a tongue in cheek nod to white zombie), but terrible music...

my lil' pocket rhyming dictionary

but the dictionary... what is it about...

i just don't get it, although in this particular case it may be one of those cases of idea vs. execution, the idea itself i am properly down with... its execution, especially in this case, much less so...

but then my rhyming dictionary is pocket-sized, i know they had to filter something out to shrink it in size, and i can't help but wonder if it was the human element that was sacrificed...

it does read like it was written by a computer, quite a gormless one at that... put plainly some of the words don't actually rhyme... yes its partly dialectal variance at fault for this, they probably all rhyme perfectly when 'sung' by a bbc electron...

furthermore the word-choice with-in is at times just plain bizarre...

its a fair bet that even the slowest of songwriter would realise that any word ending with head will rhyme with another word ending in head... although you could just devote several pages to a list of x-head words, some of which were never meant to find their way into song...

here's one...

a rhyme for '-illum'...

try 'chillum' or 'vexillum'...

right... ok, so its not much of a push to get 'chillum' into a song about smoking, but i'm not sure how'd you'd wedge a refernce to a roman military standard into the same track...

and i am sure it makes words up... i'd cite one right now (the most obvious example i've ever found was 'fuckarenee'), but they hide so well within the massive lists of words and i am tired right about now, so they are not forthcoming...

there's some commercial stuff that just sounds like it was lifted from the 'world's first syrupy cheese rhyming dictionary'... proper mushy-bizzle, and personally i think there should be a law against cheese-rhyming 'heart' with 'apart', cos like everybody already been there and uhm,... done that...

there's a particular song on the wireless at the moment with rhymes so bad, they actually cause me excruciating physical pain... i have no idea what its called (maybe i have blotted that out), but i literally cannot listen to it - the songwriting is soooo laboured that even its 'adorable anthemic' pop sheen can make it worth the effort... 

matt bellamy is guilty of a few stinkers, "holes in our souls" in 'screenager' is a particular one that springs to mind... but i know that we can let him off, owing to him being a sh!t-hot guitarist and all-round good (properly frazzled) egg...

hair-cut... (bad-rhyme)

i think the problem that i have with rhyming dictionary's is that i don't tend to rhyme the last syllable of a word, it tends to be the penultimate syllable... and apparently they didn't make a book for doing that yet...

rhyming that way fits with some of the faster more staccato (rap) deliveries, and i've noticed a tendency to sometimes slur syllables into the rhyme, or move the position of the rhyme through the line...

with a fast delivery the rhyme can also be created through the phrasing of individual syllables, rather than their content... practician that!

i've also noticed that over time i have moved to longer rhyme schemes... sometimes it'll be the first and last line of a verse, or open with a couplet and then don't rhyme the end of the verse... 

its definitely more about the content than the sounds...

and there isn't a dictionary for that...

  

fatbwoi live @ the rowell charter inn 200611

i've broken the seal...

it never stops once you've broken the seal...

here at bwoi industries we clearly value your call, however for the best definition of the 'january 29th 2006 urban word of the day', please visit... http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=break%20the%20seal

just because...

word up you crazy cats! played me a lil' lunchtime gig as part of the 2nd annual rowell charter beer and acoustic festival... oh yes, some of these people had been having it large (and rightly so!), and when i arrived around lunchtime... there sure was a lot of mirth/joy/drunken-confusion being spread around... happy time 8)

the sun was out... i had me red top on... thang primed and ready

and all this by 12.45 (get me!!!)

pop-art bwoi?!

there was fun... there was chicken, some irreverent references to genesis and how i prefer my tv evengelist song to theirs... there was a fully-clothed performance of the naked-in-a-cape one... even a kinks-ian nod to the most glorious weather (definitely better weather than saturday when the weather was doing the whole rapid fire bi-polar thing)...

there was a mild wave of terror swept through the audience as, in explaining that they didn't need to join in with the actions on 'jazz hands' because of the weather, i forgot to tell them that i was about to shout at them in german... my bad

of course i always preferred racing like a p!ss-horse

i'm a bit worried about rothwell's chances in the event of the inevitable zombie apocalypse... i have played 'l.o.t.d' there before so i've done my local safety/information bit, but i did snap the g string whilst playing it! mark suggested that possibly the zombie gods were aggrieved... he may well have had a point...

a quick change onto stevie's guitar (cheers dude) meant i could deliver a quick dose of mentalism, hip hop and gadgetry... job officially as they say -  a good un!

really enjoyed playing, it was nice to actually get a bit of sun on my studio-tanned arms for once...

but a special mention has to go out to the bacon sandwich (with chilli sauce)... there's something special about festival bacon sandwiches, and this one was no different...

washed down with a swift shandy, it went down a treat... but i do think i committed that real ale fest faux pas, of seeing all the barrels and the wonderful variety, and opting for common or garden lager... diluted with lemonade. oops

really enjoyed stuart o'connor's set... he plays psychedelic folk armed with (around) 15 pedals, for techno weirdness... i was chatting to him afterwards (safe dude - tunes well worth checkin' out...), and he was saying how sometimes he just feels like properly wigging out with all the gadgets, but doesn't cos he thinks the audience might not get it... 

i know that feeling... but it ain't half fun 8)

peace-out y'all

the new thomas-the-tank-people

this mornin' i did find myself a little bit scared...

the images on the televisual device in the corner of the room were so horrific, that it is gonna take me a distinctly quantifiable amount of time to get over it...

it didn't happen yet...

and what could be this terrible sight i hear you ask...?! what could it be that has so shaken the bwoi to his core... what hellishness has been let loose upon the world? (and so on, and so forth...)

feel the fear thomas... or squeeze one out, its up to you...

i shall keep you in suspense no longer...

its the new thomas-the-tank-people, from what ever incarnation of the show is currently airing via the digital telebox... i have no idea, they may have moved to an island... but its all a bit confusing, and the sheer terror those people wrought unto my heart may actually have caused me to block out some of the details...

in particular it was a still shot... the people were having a party, but there was something quite freakish and horrible about their frozen faces that disturbed me...

and bizarrely, try as i might i cannot find a picture of these freakish abominations online... a coincidence? i think not...

so therefore i shall endeavour to explain (or stick in a jpeg and do a half-assed abstract job)...

the suave (non too sinister) fat controller

they had the same brown/black shading outline style as our man the fat controller... but less so, as they were only minor characters used in a still frame, leaving them with a grim rictus manga face... bad times

that's about as close as i can get it (they were damn freaky!!)

it was a cut-scene godamnit, and its stuck with me... more disturbing than 'mother' in braindead, but probably not as bad as the custard... (eeeeeeeew)

but it got me to thinkin'... if we could get michael bay to guest direct an episode, and then blast thomas with the all-spark (although this may make the plot a bit complex, but who are we to argue with progress), rendering him a blue-badass capable of taking down the freakish abominations that haunt his island...

mechanised blue-badass

its gotta be a bay transformer though, where (as demonstrated in the transformers dvd extras) all of the parts have been neatly designed via scaled blue-print so there is none of the size-shifting that happened in the original cartoon...

alterno (less badass) mode thomas

its not really the size-shifting i was worried about, i thought that if thomas did block transformations like the old school toys, given his shape... he was gonna be sh!t (and you also face the distinct possibility that if transforming him involved revealing a head. there was gonna be a big gormless thomas face somewhere upon the exterior!)

and then, i discovered transformer tomas...

its like a knock off combiner transformer based on... you guessed it! our man t...

transformer tomas... (but why isn't he in the middle)

but thomas isn't in the middle?! what's with that...?!

this super robot is made up of three separate engines, who do some clicky disassemble weirdness to become the behemoth you see before you... (maybe we don't need michael bay after all)

as an added bonus, all three engines can join up to make a super train and tow each other along whilst in engine mode... far out

the 3man train centipede...

as long as the robots can agree a quick timetable to destroy the mawkish inhabitants of their freaky lil' island, then i'm happy...

otherwise we gonna have to send arnie in...

and he's never neat... 8)

fatbwoi live @ the cross keys 180611 [the under 10's army]

word up you crazy cats! 

how's it all goin...?! all good i hope...

yesterday was the second day of the cross keys beer and music festival... and therefore time for this one to swoop in and do some thang shakin'... 

shapes - thrown

time - happy

hyphens - full effect

started my set a lil' early as the highly variable weather meant that there was a captive audience... mk was having a gorgeous sunshine/heavy 'matrix' rain split personality kinda day, although scrolling green code and keanu reeves were sadly missing...

opened with the chicken and the god before declaring that the walkway to the exit was now a 'dance-walkway', then executing a neat swing left into the one with the metallica...

martian desert-trek bwoi...

it was round about this time that i noticed the growing ranks of the under 10's army, who were not only showing the adults how the whole 'dance-walkway' thing should be done, but properly havin' it large...

the party was definitely over there, and then there... and then there... some of them were proper whizzing around... this took a bit of esp and lifting of the guitar to ensure no-accidents. the remainder of the u10's army was putting my dance moves to shame... there was some proper funky bogling going on...

dropped the sun-inducing 'Mr E's Beautiful Blues' which gave me an opportunity to whiz into 'Missing'... haven't played that in a while (but it went alright)...

the under 10 army assembles...

did get a bit confused on the exact order of the lyrics in sunny afternoon (for a shocker)... but the people in the audience singing along most-graciously helped me out...

all-in it was a top gig, there was a nice party-vibe to the place (a whole range of fantastic beers on sale) and it was really cool to see the kids 'getting down'...

did get me thinking about extending the fatbwoi army, creating an under 10's division, who when teamed up with fatbwoi gerbil army (the sweetest smelling army in the world) counterparts, would create most-excellent cells around the country ready for world domination...

or something similar (and amusing)

peace-out y'all

caffeine maple bacon (in no particular order)

i love bacon...

i love maple (the syrup, the word and the tree...)

let's face it, ya can't beat a thick-sliced maple-cured bacon sandwich... its almost as if the humble pig should have been born with maple syrup for blood (like the aliens in that film, i forget what its called :P ...but a darn site more useful)

and my relationship with caffeine is a well documented one... you gotta love the coffee, and there's always the relentless... (caffeine-based life-form? moi? yeah quite probably...)

obviously, a traditional way to combine these three favourites of mine would be one of 'those' sandwiches washed down with a lovely (orange) mug of peruvian coffee... that's a perfect breakfast/lunch/dinner/brunch/snack/munch right about there...

but not really that portable... exacerbated by the fact that the bacon sandwich purchased whilst out and about is generally an item of extremely variable quality (with a definite trend towards the low), and generally nowhere near as lovely as the one i envisage when i think of maple bacon (although special mention must be made... the sandwiches i used to get everyday from the van on the trading estate in wednesbury, sausage bacon and chilli sauce on a french stick, were sandwiches par excellence...)

but now some quite-blatant genii came up with not only the (obvious) idea of combining all three of these magic foodstuffs together, but also making it super-portable...

ladies and gentlemen i present...

the caffeinated maple bacon lollipop

hell yes... 8)

that''s some goodness right about there... and apparently, its made with bacon salt, which means that its not only kosher, but also vegetarian friendly!! this may or may not be worrying...

i do find the insistence on marketing the lollipop on pieces of american stylee bacon a bit worrying though... i'd much prefer it on a thick-cut freshly sizzled rasher of maple-cured... nice

but i did the maff... and there's more caffeine in two of these bad boy's than there is in a can of relentless, meaning they have to win some kind of prize for portable caffeine-ness-ness (or something)

the site i found them on won't ship outside the US, but like the ostrich burger... i feel it will only be a small amount of time before i get my hands on these yummy caffeine-y morsels... (and i'm fairly sure when i do, there won't be enough)

but then i did find this...

zombie jerky 

(its teriyaki flavoured too!!)

once more... hell yes

fed up of watching your brethren get munched by the seemingly endless zombie hordes? bite back without gettin' bitten back... that's right, you can now do you part without ever leaving the safety of our heavilly fortified and geographically protected base at ***censored (cos some information you just can't share)***... by munching on some zombie jerky...

right on!!

got to be honest, never been much of a jerky fan... but i'd be willing to give this one a swing...

not sure about the green though?!

gigs this weekend...

word up you crazy cats!! y'all good?

just a quick reminder (in-line with government legislation obviously) that there's three places you can catch the fatbwoi shakin' that thang this weekend... two are beer festivals, and all are free entry so the reasons not to come down and indulge yourself in a bit of thang-shakery are limited...

SAT 180611 - The Cross Keys Beer and Music Festival, Milton Keynes
music all day, fatbwoi onstage @ 17.00hrs

SUN 190611 - Bat and Wicket, Northampton
evening event, doors @ 20.00hrs... feat. music from fatbwoi and stuart o'connor

MON 200611 - Rowell Charter Real Ale and Acoustic Festival, Rothwell
all day event, fatbwoi onstage @ 12.15hrs

hopefully there will be sun, there's sure gonna be fun...

hope to see you there... 8)

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dudley chronicles I - the shanghai fusion

its a strange old world ain't it? (especially around these parts...)

and so i find myself quite surprised that i am actually quite gutted about the gutting of the shanghai fusion... 

that mighty bastion of dudley, capable of emitting some of the most tantalising and also some of the most rancid smells known to man (often at the same time)... with its ever-diligent work-force, always happy to climb on the roof mid-service so's i could get my football back (true story)... the hordes of oft scantily clad teens doing their sixth form end of term parties there, hiding behind the bins to smoke, making a lot of noise and even in one instance - arriving in a pink stretch hummer...

no more but so...

although i can't help but notice the age old bank's sign from back in the day is still squeakin' like a mo-fo in the wind...

i never really got to know it when it was the salamander... scary old dudley people's pub (no they don't do students there) at the top of the campus, back in the day when nith place was just a road to get to the broadway, and needed a name cos there was a shop on there... when those new houses used to be a car-park!!! 

(here's one of those handy-type link things, which will lead you to a page with some boring information... [fact-fans!!] http://blackcountryhistory.org/collections/getrecord/GB145_p_3823/)

but that closed down, they stuck some green tiles to the roof, experimented with cheap tall shrubs outside (which were constantly stolen) and re-opened as the majesty that is (was) shanghai fusion...

let's put this right out there... i never ate in there. first off... i've seen the kitchens, second (as previously mentioned) the kitchen staff used to climb on the roof to get my ball... nice guys they were, although i remain unconvinced about their restaurant credentials...

but nonetheless, 'the shanghai' (as it is affectionately known) has been a constant source of amusent/annoyance for years... admittedly more the former...

mainly because of some the nut-job planning permission requests that used to drop through the door periodically, my particular favourite being the request to build an extra-storey on top of the kitchen to house a taxi-office and conversion of the upstairs for use as a hairdressers salon...

there-in lies the all-inclusive night out... food, taxi and a haircut... right on

most of these planning permission requests seemed to relate the addition of made additional services alongside the already established all you can eat chinese buffet... i think the sixth form party people used to keep them in business, that sign on that picture (which i didn't take) stayed up for ages, until they just started adjusting the listed price with gaffa tape and a permanent marker...

they apparently did christmas dinner's too... i do remember smelling it, don't especially remember ever having seen anyone foolhardy enough to go in...

but alas now it is all gone...

the smackheads used the back yard as a hang-out for a bit, the police nailed a really big piece of wood across the gate...

now big burly men have come to clear the place...

and across the last two days the contents of 'the shanghai' have been reduced to two neatly-stacked (and another less so) skips, and a hell of a lot of noise...

soon it'll be flats (of some sort), although i'd imagine in the meantime it may go through a transitional phase of being flat (boom boom)... of course they're never gonna build one of them car-stacking car-parks round the back of my house, so soon there will be even less no-where to park...

happy time

the organisational abilities of a sweet potato...

...i used to have a snoopy filo-fax, it was proper quality too. the binder-y bits were sturdy, and all of the little divider cards were properly reinforced (and spill resistant) - happy time.

there was a section for addresses, a diary, and even a bit of space for some notes...

filo-fax avec 'zero snoopy'...

it never got lost, because it never left the house... i was 10 (and it was a touch on the unwieldy side)

i don't remember ever having expressed any explicit love for snoopy at anytime... although i did like the voice of the teacher in the cartoon (and he was always on the back of the paper at the junior bwoi homestead)...

but yeah... obviously it became essential in organising my hardcore social life... keeping up to date with the machinations of the political machine etc etc...

it disappeared over time... perhaps it would have been more useful if it came in a small digital bundle... some kind of ubiquitous electronic device that fits in your pocket, perhaps it could even be expanded to include additional functionality such as (i don't know) voice calls and image capture?! far-out...

but it never happened at the right time, and by the time it did... i'd got used to doing it all in my head...

oh yeah... seamless integration and kilobytes of processing power...

bod can jump?

bod CAN jump!

not bod, repton... but whoever expected me to make sense?!

until yesterday...

when i accidentally misplaced a gig (by about a week)... oops!

yeah, it would appear that rather than travelling twice in two weeks... i shall in fact be doing a short 3day 'mk and other midlands' tour next week...(!!!)

3 days - 3 gigs... and a lil' bit more logistical business than i at first thought... 8)

so here's the shimmy you crazy cats.... i apologise for not being in northampton last night (and i blame the sausage and cheap pasta sauce thing me and the amazing lady linenwrecker cooked up last night!)... but i will be there next week...

thus...

sat 18th june - Cross Keys Music and Beer Festival, Milton Keynes 

- all day event, onstage 17.00hrs

sun 19th june - Bat and Wicket, Northampton - doors at 20.00hrs

mon 20th june - Rowell Charter Beer and Acoustic Festival, Rothwell 

- all day event, onstage 12.15hrs (ish)

so why not c'mon down and shake some thang... its a tour, there is beer, and the golden rule stands...

what goes on tour, stays on tour

right on 8)

the fatbwoi songbook VI - jazz hands

na na na na-na its the one and only B dubya O i...
na na na na-na or something similar from the street...

uhm... stop it now... word up you crazy cats, here be the third part of the second fatbwoi songbook trilogy (i was gonna try and work the word singular into that sentence, but it was getting a little bit unwieldy)... jazz hands

the on about... well i'll let you work that out for yourselves (answers on a postcard to fb13, bwoi-ton)... this is the one with the dance moves, and the counting to six in german... thang-shakin' fun in a bun...

and those dance moves... the first one is easy enough - freeze!! (do not pass go, there is a distinct lack of £200)...

the second...

jazz hands

eins... zwei... drei... vier... fünf... sechs...

HUH!

peace be with you...
don't have many friends make the nagging voices stop
there's always a reason...
never mind the bubbles - what they doin' at the top?!
coffee in the mornin' with the coke in the evenin'
coke in the mornin' with the coffee on top
choppin' up the charlie then you put it in the coffee
twitch away the evening so the coffee has to stop

when you think that you find that you're out of your mind
you gotta freeze... jazz hands
and you can't be sure... is this the cure?
you gotta freeze... jazz hands
there's no charity cos' its all about me
you gotta freeze... jazz hands
this is not masturbation just touch the occasion
you gotta freeze... jazz hands

HUH!

stay pointless...
drive within the limits and look after yourself
and don't do the drugs...
got to look after your mental health
ever get the feeling that its moves a lil' faster
you're thinking pretty quickly - but you're talking to slow
so you scrape it off the paper and put it in the coffee
twitch away the evening so the coffee has to stop

when you think that you find that you're out of your mind
you gotta freeze... jazz hands
and you can't be sure... is this the cure?
you gotta freeze... jazz hands
there's no charity cos' its all about me
you gotta freeze... jazz hands
this is not masturbation just touch the occasion
you gotta freeze... jazz hands

uhm...

a left, left and right and right
with my magic powder i can dance all night
left is left and right and right
she goes ba ba baa da ba ba baa
a left and left and right and right
with my magic powder i can dance all night
left is left and right and right
she goes ba ba baa da ba ba baa da ba ba baa da ba ba ba ba

HUH!

peace be with you...
don't have many friends make the nagging voices stop
there's always a reason...
never mind the bubbles - what they doin' at the top?!
coffee in the mornin' with the coke in the evenin'
coke in the mornin' with the coffee on top
choppin' up the charlie then you put it in the coffee
twitch away the evening so the coffee has to stop

when you think that you find that you're out of your mind
you gotta freeze... jazz hands
and you can't be sure... is this the cure?
you gotta freeze... jazz hands
there's no charity cos' its all about me
you gotta freeze... jazz hands
this is not masturbation just touch the occasion
you gotta freeze...

HUH!
__________________________________________

just like that, and one day i will complete my designs for giant (white-gloved) jazz hands that i attach to my hips and join in with the actions... this whole playing a guitar thing is a bit of a pain in the ass re: jazz hands... (or any other action involving one or more hands)...

now i f i could just make them a lil' animatronic and get them either playing a cajon, or scratchin' on 1210's... well, then we'll be cooking with charcoal

happy time

dear sir (symptoms of y)

dear sir,

i need to request x in regards to z, as i am currently suffering from y which is causing me severe difficulties.

yours sincerly

m
__________________________

dear m

your application for x in regards to z for reason y has been rejected.

your application has been rejected as you have demonstrated symptoms of y, and despite documentary evidence of y from an appropriate qualified professional, we have decided to reject your application as signs of y (amongst other things) are frowned upon by this organisation.

please do not be so foolish as to expect the slightest support from our organisation.

yours sincerely

sir

truck reading (chilli premonitions)

closing in... round the corner...

E

gear down...

N

get irrate at silly little red not-car that has just cut you up on the massive roundabout owing to a limited understanding of traffic flow, and distinct disregard for lane discipline

C

engage handbrake

O

amber light... disengage handbrake, make it go 'mhrrrrrrr vuuub vuuub vuuub mhrrrr' (or similar)

N

light changes to green, apply pressure to accelerator and pull away...

but there's no A... bad times

there should have been an A! why? because then the lorry would have been full of encona chilli sauce... you know, the nice fruity one with scotch bonnets in it...

nom nom nom

although tbh, the thai sweet chilli variety would have been cool, as that compliments pretend cheese on toast perfectly... with a bottle of that, some bread in the freezer and a packet of pretend cheese you are officially well away in the big wide-world of student eats...

i have been told the former goes great in baked beans...

but i couldn't possibly comment...

don't like baked beans

'epic' propeller meltdown

the 'on the wonk-ness' of that propeller is scarin' me a bit now...

i should probably work on the whole "its gonna break free from its mount and come careening across the motorway" obsession i appear to have developed... whilst born in final destination, i just see the actual effect itself as more 'epic' - something more fitting of the global armageddon that is '2012'...

(oh no! he's back onto the end of the world again...)

sailed past corley at a rate of knots though (happy time), listening to ash's 'supersonic 7"s', which by some queer quirk of fate was exactly the same length as my journey (19 tracks - 74 mins), but has left me with an unnaturally strong urge to make some bouncy pop-punk...

let's just say, its probably a good job that i wasn't listening to 'the downward spiral'... step away from the cd player (industrial)bwoi...

today i learnt that when you move sainsburys closer to toys 'r' us, no-matter the size of the sainsburys, there is lil' point in having a toy section... and thus, they don't. why did you move sainsburys? why did you move? but then the move did lead to the introduction of up/down auto-walks (like an escalator without the steps) which are prone to issuing harsh diktats regarding an individuals behaviour whilst travelling there-on...

(that's like two steps south of skynet)

and parking sensors in the parking spaces... which caused me a bit of anguish (don't got them round here... they'd probably end up adorning the exterior and interior walls of most of the local populace) - techno-parking, whilst becoming more common is still a lil' far out for me...

(one step...)

but then i don't really trust microwaves...

there's something just not-quite-right about them...

(***ping***)

more likely that the end of the world will start in a car park though... actually that's a complete lie, its just i love the whole dark car park thing you get going on in zombie movies... car park, tunnel, wherever its dark... that way zombie-joy comes...

that probably needs refining further, as the (exterior, well lit) car park in the day of the dead remake does supply a few moments fo amusement (burt reynolds)... and the whole dead gathering 'in the lot' and at the doors of the mall is a zombie apocalypse i can really dig...

there's something about that whole impending doom kick that i jus' really like...

it was executed poorly in diary of the dead... (but we're not going there right now...)

although i'm not sure that giant propellers feature in a zombie apocalypse scenario... i don't know, the two just seem a lil' incongruous, more like something out of a superhero/apocalypse (non-zombie) movie...

which is a bit of a shame...

cos its just round the corner from corley (and there's as good a chance as any that it will start there*...)

far-out

*it probably won't to be fair... its sure to start somewhere much more sinister like that funny lil' building by the river in alverly with a sign about a chlorine warning alarm... chlorine? yeah right... they're probably (inadvertently) making zombies down there, hence the field of cows... for protection