the fatbwoi songbook VI - jazz hands

na na na na-na its the one and only B dubya O i...
na na na na-na or something similar from the street...

uhm... stop it now... word up you crazy cats, here be the third part of the second fatbwoi songbook trilogy (i was gonna try and work the word singular into that sentence, but it was getting a little bit unwieldy)... jazz hands

the on about... well i'll let you work that out for yourselves (answers on a postcard to fb13, bwoi-ton)... this is the one with the dance moves, and the counting to six in german... thang-shakin' fun in a bun...

and those dance moves... the first one is easy enough - freeze!! (do not pass go, there is a distinct lack of £200)...

the second...

jazz hands

eins... zwei... drei... vier... fünf... sechs...

HUH!

peace be with you...
don't have many friends make the nagging voices stop
there's always a reason...
never mind the bubbles - what they doin' at the top?!
coffee in the mornin' with the coke in the evenin'
coke in the mornin' with the coffee on top
choppin' up the charlie then you put it in the coffee
twitch away the evening so the coffee has to stop

when you think that you find that you're out of your mind
you gotta freeze... jazz hands
and you can't be sure... is this the cure?
you gotta freeze... jazz hands
there's no charity cos' its all about me
you gotta freeze... jazz hands
this is not masturbation just touch the occasion
you gotta freeze... jazz hands

HUH!

stay pointless...
drive within the limits and look after yourself
and don't do the drugs...
got to look after your mental health
ever get the feeling that its moves a lil' faster
you're thinking pretty quickly - but you're talking to slow
so you scrape it off the paper and put it in the coffee
twitch away the evening so the coffee has to stop

when you think that you find that you're out of your mind
you gotta freeze... jazz hands
and you can't be sure... is this the cure?
you gotta freeze... jazz hands
there's no charity cos' its all about me
you gotta freeze... jazz hands
this is not masturbation just touch the occasion
you gotta freeze... jazz hands

uhm...

a left, left and right and right
with my magic powder i can dance all night
left is left and right and right
she goes ba ba baa da ba ba baa
a left and left and right and right
with my magic powder i can dance all night
left is left and right and right
she goes ba ba baa da ba ba baa da ba ba baa da ba ba ba ba

HUH!

peace be with you...
don't have many friends make the nagging voices stop
there's always a reason...
never mind the bubbles - what they doin' at the top?!
coffee in the mornin' with the coke in the evenin'
coke in the mornin' with the coffee on top
choppin' up the charlie then you put it in the coffee
twitch away the evening so the coffee has to stop

when you think that you find that you're out of your mind
you gotta freeze... jazz hands
and you can't be sure... is this the cure?
you gotta freeze... jazz hands
there's no charity cos' its all about me
you gotta freeze... jazz hands
this is not masturbation just touch the occasion
you gotta freeze...

HUH!
__________________________________________

just like that, and one day i will complete my designs for giant (white-gloved) jazz hands that i attach to my hips and join in with the actions... this whole playing a guitar thing is a bit of a pain in the ass re: jazz hands... (or any other action involving one or more hands)...

now i f i could just make them a lil' animatronic and get them either playing a cajon, or scratchin' on 1210's... well, then we'll be cooking with charcoal

happy time

dear sir (symptoms of y)

dear sir,

i need to request x in regards to z, as i am currently suffering from y which is causing me severe difficulties.

yours sincerly

m
__________________________

dear m

your application for x in regards to z for reason y has been rejected.

your application has been rejected as you have demonstrated symptoms of y, and despite documentary evidence of y from an appropriate qualified professional, we have decided to reject your application as signs of y (amongst other things) are frowned upon by this organisation.

please do not be so foolish as to expect the slightest support from our organisation.

yours sincerely

sir

truck reading (chilli premonitions)

closing in... round the corner...

E

gear down...

N

get irrate at silly little red not-car that has just cut you up on the massive roundabout owing to a limited understanding of traffic flow, and distinct disregard for lane discipline

C

engage handbrake

O

amber light... disengage handbrake, make it go 'mhrrrrrrr vuuub vuuub vuuub mhrrrr' (or similar)

N

light changes to green, apply pressure to accelerator and pull away...

but there's no A... bad times

there should have been an A! why? because then the lorry would have been full of encona chilli sauce... you know, the nice fruity one with scotch bonnets in it...

nom nom nom

although tbh, the thai sweet chilli variety would have been cool, as that compliments pretend cheese on toast perfectly... with a bottle of that, some bread in the freezer and a packet of pretend cheese you are officially well away in the big wide-world of student eats...

i have been told the former goes great in baked beans...

but i couldn't possibly comment...

don't like baked beans

'epic' propeller meltdown

the 'on the wonk-ness' of that propeller is scarin' me a bit now...

i should probably work on the whole "its gonna break free from its mount and come careening across the motorway" obsession i appear to have developed... whilst born in final destination, i just see the actual effect itself as more 'epic' - something more fitting of the global armageddon that is '2012'...

(oh no! he's back onto the end of the world again...)

sailed past corley at a rate of knots though (happy time), listening to ash's 'supersonic 7"s', which by some queer quirk of fate was exactly the same length as my journey (19 tracks - 74 mins), but has left me with an unnaturally strong urge to make some bouncy pop-punk...

let's just say, its probably a good job that i wasn't listening to 'the downward spiral'... step away from the cd player (industrial)bwoi...

today i learnt that when you move sainsburys closer to toys 'r' us, no-matter the size of the sainsburys, there is lil' point in having a toy section... and thus, they don't. why did you move sainsburys? why did you move? but then the move did lead to the introduction of up/down auto-walks (like an escalator without the steps) which are prone to issuing harsh diktats regarding an individuals behaviour whilst travelling there-on...

(that's like two steps south of skynet)

and parking sensors in the parking spaces... which caused me a bit of anguish (don't got them round here... they'd probably end up adorning the exterior and interior walls of most of the local populace) - techno-parking, whilst becoming more common is still a lil' far out for me...

(one step...)

but then i don't really trust microwaves...

there's something just not-quite-right about them...

(***ping***)

more likely that the end of the world will start in a car park though... actually that's a complete lie, its just i love the whole dark car park thing you get going on in zombie movies... car park, tunnel, wherever its dark... that way zombie-joy comes...

that probably needs refining further, as the (exterior, well lit) car park in the day of the dead remake does supply a few moments fo amusement (burt reynolds)... and the whole dead gathering 'in the lot' and at the doors of the mall is a zombie apocalypse i can really dig...

there's something about that whole impending doom kick that i jus' really like...

it was executed poorly in diary of the dead... (but we're not going there right now...)

although i'm not sure that giant propellers feature in a zombie apocalypse scenario... i don't know, the two just seem a lil' incongruous, more like something out of a superhero/apocalypse (non-zombie) movie...

which is a bit of a shame...

cos its just round the corner from corley (and there's as good a chance as any that it will start there*...)

far-out

*it probably won't to be fair... its sure to start somewhere much more sinister like that funny lil' building by the river in alverly with a sign about a chlorine warning alarm... chlorine? yeah right... they're probably (inadvertently) making zombies down there, hence the field of cows... for protection

motorway driving II

note to self - singing the "i don't gotta pee at corley - i'm gone pee at the watford gap" song doesn't work whilst travelling northbound... is going to lead to an unfortunate bout of geography-related disappointment...

although on the plus side, evidence would seem to suggest that those 'final destination' moments relating to the appearance of a truck carrying planks (with nails in them), pipes and other heavy gonna kill you (albeit in a slightly amusing way) stuff, are much more likely to happen to people in final destination movies...

still always pass the trucks slightly 'wide' on a windy day though...

i reckon that salt mountain (the one by the m6) would make for an excellent, if highly-contrived final destination death scene... by applying a liberal dose of manga, there's probably some way to utilise those little diamond things on the inside lane of the m6 (as you hurtle past the turn-off for the a38)...

but then if you're gonna go manga, i guess you don't really need to go final destination... you could sack off the teens, and the dodgy accidents and just replace them with mech-suits, bad dubbing and huge explosions...

right-on.

the big wind-turbine/propeller thing by the side of the m1 (daventry-ish, around DIRFT) is also mounted on the wonk... for real, when you watch it the rotation does look seriously laboured... this breaking its moorings and going prospecting on the motorway for cars is much more final destination i think...

so here we turn to the soothing influence of radio 4... the afternoon play, its something about an independent school and having tuned in half-way through, there is a definite air of the random to the proceedings... but at least it stopped everything exploding... (at least until the archers comes on!!!)

you can't beat it for delivering random factlets through-out the day either... and nothing beats woman's hour for soothing a traffic jam...

but around corley... we turn it off and let the manga hang-out...

cos its corley after all...

and there has to be rules...

although, if there was no corley, then there would be no "i don't gotta pee at corley" song, and i don't know if the western musical tradition would ever recover from such a loss...

or something...

the day before the election (contemporary like a time capsule)

transcript of improvised election song recorded the day before the election last year...lyrics were improvised from very loose general knowledege of how the election campaign had been proceeding, and newspaper headlines from that days editions of both the metro and the sun (admitedly stretching the definition of newspaper a lil' bit there)...

the one time i did political, and it still got run through the fatbwoi filter - right on 8) 

***warning... does contain several rude words, including repeated instances of  'that thing what we do in the riggin''***     __________________________________________________

the day before the election (in headlines)

don't leave us hangin' here just standin' here like 3 idiots in suits oh yeah
you know don't leave us hangin' nick clegg what do you think your going to do?
don't go and meet the audience, stand her with david cameron...
let's laugh at a-gordon brown
as he goes to shake the hand and he doesn't understand
why his personality it is not going down
cos nobody likes you gordon - cos you've got a face like an arse
nobody likes you david - because lets face it you're just too f***ing upper class
and the own-goals and sneaky tactics they're adding up
did a lie about the dodgy dealings?
yeah but no but yeah but no but yeah but not but yeah but no but...
do you like my vicky pollard top
i wanna be mr david cameron look at my nice audi car
or it might be something from the eighties like a lan-ci-a
this is gordon brown we are the party with the serious policies
you are not electing a tv personality
don't do what we tell you... three leaders. david cameron what does he say?
lets ask him - he said nothing's getting done with labour
and a vote for us gives britain the break that it deserves
what what what what what... what what what
and nick cleggs says that people are sick to the back teeth
of the blue team and the red team
they're taking turns what about the yellow team?
well nick clegg we would elect you
if you had yourself a better leader like that paddy ashdown bloke
cos at least he got caught with his pants down...
do you see what we did there? oh yeah!
and the labour candidate stands by the worst pm comment
and phillipa stroud stands by the you can cure gays comment
but if you got cured by her then you could stay in
the bed and breakfast that belongs to the other one
the vote it is going to the wire
gordon brown said something about sarah but it went away
what did it say?
what do we stand for? here is a lot of words in a sheet 
that you're not gonna read from very far away
our at a glance guide to the parties - you what?
let's blast CO2 emissions? i think we're wandering off topic here
bring paxman back we need some jerry
oh jerry foss not jerry paxman, bring me jerry foss not jerry paxman
hmmmm hooo huuuh oooow ye-ahhh hooo
ah aaaaaaaaah-aaah-aaah-aaaaaaaaaah
carlos tevez has got manky hair
ah aaaaaaaaah-aaah-ooooooow

i can't see
sarah's been there all the way... i just love her
sarah tell me that you're going to stay - even when i'm on the dole
sarah now i'm, sad - i've got emotions

something rhymes with sad? bad?

and a rhyme with emotion? brad? rad? rad yeah

that's ice-cold baby, rad, slick, smooth as f***
          __________________________________________________ 

of course, it did wander-off a bit in the middle, but i reckon i'd got it back on course by the downbeat emo outro... as you do

happy time   

enter drama llama stage left...

ah, drama...

thus we gone need a llama...

well we don't actually need one, as there's one ready prescribed for this very situation - 'the drama llama'

not to be confused with the term 'drama llama' as defined by the urban dictionary (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=drama%20llama)... similar to a drama queen but more 'internet'...

no godamnit... this is a genuine heavens-to-betsy llama... probably.

and lo... here he comes, fossicking forth from stage-left, as from that way weirdness comes (and that is a  demonstrable scienceFAKT cat[llama]-fans!!!)...

veering toward downstage-left... NOT a drama llama

around about this point, it would appear that things begin to get a bit confused... there's talk of a waistcoat, red on the front and reminiscent of those ones jack russell's often wear, possibly glasses (horn-rimmed, on a string), undetermined maturity, a wispy goat-y beard (not to be confused with a goatee) and a whole host of other such weirdness...

(i am properly feeling the waistcoat though... possibly in some-kind of faux tartan...)

...and what does it want? (where does it stop? watch for the sign of the lollipop...)

whilst annoying... none of these are the drama llama

to be honest, it probably doesn't know what it wants... or even if there is actually an 'it' to 'want'... realistically its sense of self-awareness is probably 'up there' with its fashion sense (i.e. negligible)... i guess in his own llama-esque fashion, he is, like the joker 'just a dog chasing cars'...

and whilst he does appear to have a better grip on the subtle application of make-up than the purple-humourous-one, i reckon a pair of well-polished aviators would properly confuse the poor beast...

savvy llamas... with their digits firmly on the pulse,
they also get it on to their own bootsy-collins funk soundtrack

poor he... automated transportation is probably above this particular llama, i'm figuring (judging by the way he looks) that he probably never got past th.. threads in the llama book of life-skills...

but there he is.. fossicking about stage left... probably

as (has been previously stated) from that way weirdness comes...

(although empirically speaking, he may not actually be there at all...)

but the drama llama, and other assorted stage-left weirdness, is the only explanation i can find for the fact that i always seem to look left... its out there, but hey, what did you expect? but it is always a look left, not the guitar...

left...

9'o'clock...

la izquierda...

weird that...