enter drama llama stage left...

ah, drama...

thus we gone need a llama...

well we don't actually need one, as there's one ready prescribed for this very situation - 'the drama llama'

not to be confused with the term 'drama llama' as defined by the urban dictionary (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=drama%20llama)... similar to a drama queen but more 'internet'...

no godamnit... this is a genuine heavens-to-betsy llama... probably.

and lo... here he comes, fossicking forth from stage-left, as from that way weirdness comes (and that is a  demonstrable scienceFAKT cat[llama]-fans!!!)...

veering toward downstage-left... NOT a drama llama

around about this point, it would appear that things begin to get a bit confused... there's talk of a waistcoat, red on the front and reminiscent of those ones jack russell's often wear, possibly glasses (horn-rimmed, on a string), undetermined maturity, a wispy goat-y beard (not to be confused with a goatee) and a whole host of other such weirdness...

(i am properly feeling the waistcoat though... possibly in some-kind of faux tartan...)

...and what does it want? (where does it stop? watch for the sign of the lollipop...)

whilst annoying... none of these are the drama llama

to be honest, it probably doesn't know what it wants... or even if there is actually an 'it' to 'want'... realistically its sense of self-awareness is probably 'up there' with its fashion sense (i.e. negligible)... i guess in his own llama-esque fashion, he is, like the joker 'just a dog chasing cars'...

and whilst he does appear to have a better grip on the subtle application of make-up than the purple-humourous-one, i reckon a pair of well-polished aviators would properly confuse the poor beast...

savvy llamas... with their digits firmly on the pulse,
they also get it on to their own bootsy-collins funk soundtrack

poor he... automated transportation is probably above this particular llama, i'm figuring (judging by the way he looks) that he probably never got past th.. threads in the llama book of life-skills...

but there he is.. fossicking about stage left... probably

as (has been previously stated) from that way weirdness comes...

(although empirically speaking, he may not actually be there at all...)

but the drama llama, and other assorted stage-left weirdness, is the only explanation i can find for the fact that i always seem to look left... its out there, but hey, what did you expect? but it is always a look left, not the guitar...

left...

9'o'clock...

la izquierda...

weird that...

the fatbwoi songbook V - can you hear me now?

swingin' in from stage left (as from that way weirdness comes...) with a rebellious demeanour and a slight whiff of popcorn and blue... bustin' some ill advised body poppin' chops designed to make the ladies go... uhm, somewhere... its that one that's NOT called chymn (pronounced chime)

also available in (original) rap-metal variety... the one with the tupac, but probably distinctly lacking in biggie (them's just the facts)... and sometimes garnished with retro-hop rap badness (not included... please collect six vouchers, get a responsible adult* to cut them out and send them along with 60p P+P)

*do not allow the bwoi to handle scissors

i present to you thus...

Can You Hear Me Now? 

so, that train has left the station

ten out of ten for your observation

did you speak to ease the situation

or just because the air was vacant

always seems that something is missing

check it out in the back there's girls and they're kissing

always wanna try something different

it doesn't matter cos no-one's listening

so... can you hear me now?

can you hear me now?

said ah no no no... can you hear me now?

can you hear me now?

stop me if there's something that you don't get

cos' i'm not convinced that you're playing with a full-deck

the odds are stacked in this game of russian roulette

now place the barel upside your head

nobody said that this world was fair

the idea it is a-pretty much out there

and no-one wants to admit they're scared

but look at me does it look like i care

so... can you hear me now?

can you hear me now?

said ah no no no... can you hear me now?

can you hear me now?

(woo-oooh woo-oooh woo-oooh...)

i suppose that i really should mention

just what it is - just what are my intentions

i was born a mother of invention

i don't speak - and you feel the tension

so... can you hear me now?

can you hear me now?

i got nothing to say... can you hear me now?

can you hear me now?

now i've a-run out of patience

there's no more trains there's no more stations

did you speak to ease the situation

cos' its a-seeming to me that the air's still vacant

always seems like something is missing

check it out in the back those girls they're still kissing

always wanna try something different

it doesn't matter cos' no-one is listening

so... can you hear me now?

can you hear me now?

i got nothing to say... can you hear me now?

can you hear me now?

so oh my god... can you hear me now?

are you listening... can you hear me now?

i got nothin' to say... can you hear me now?

and are you happy now?

i don't think i have ever been as into trains as this song might suggest, but i do remember practising the lyrics whilst playing 'the square game' (a posh name for a time-wasting, hanging off the washing machine kinda game we used to play in front of my house - as you do) with kenyon... back int' day, and stuff... wrote it on the bass, the original chorus being one of those bwoi goes matt bellamy moments... happy time

mailman (demo)

lifted from the forthcoming 'bonfire of the quangos' project...

the one about not reading what the mailman brings you... apparently that's one of them there rules (or something)... i don't think its one of those surviving horror movie type rules (let's be honest, they're getting kind of complicated)... but even jigsaw said "there has to be rules!"

featuring the funky-ass bass stylings of the big O, the digital introduction of baritone bwoi and a complete lie about the availability (for free) of a particular brand if satellite tv...

it gives a bit of an indication of where 'b.o.t.q' will be coming from, there'll be some drums (although not that many to be honest), definite deployment of multiple digital-bwois... a bit like a clone army (and if i can wrestle control of the senate we're home and dry...), and maybe some shaky weirdness...

and some (re-recorded) claps...

dude done hate the sound of his own clap

far out 8)

reasons to hate corley services... (herd of yeti)

i'm going to starbucks
gonna get myself a frappuccino
f-r-a-p p-u-c c-i-n-oooo yeah

yesterday started at corley services... and yesterday ended at corley services...

westbound, both times...

of course you shouldn't infer from this that i live at corley services... there was some day before the first visit and some day (well, night) after the second... the notion of starting and ending the day there is just a bit more 'poetic'... and you know its about the poetry. the effect of corley on the mind does however render a small grain of truth unto that statement... and whilst we're trading in truths... i actually have this proper irrational hatred of corley services (its a long-standing condition, its roots shrouded in the mists of time)

corley services (westbound)... now there's lovely

so the first visit was in the early half of the day... i'm not sure exactly when for reasons that may/may not become apparent in the fullness of time... there was a bit of a celebratory air to the morn... and music form a lyre (ok scratch that, its corley... i was there with frau linenwrecker, feeling pretty darn fine)...

done order a frappuccino... happy-[bwoi treat]-time 8)

"venti caramel frappuccino (coffee base) with extra coffee..." 

"do you want the whipped cream on the top" 

"oh yes, absolutely with the cream"

that's roughly how the conversation went... anybody who has sampled the joy of an x extra shot charged caramel frappuccino will be fully aware of the loveliness i was expecting... 

i, being pedantic as i am, was a lil' worried about the fact that the order 'process' had changed... there was a promotion... indeed.

after years of having starbucks'-barista-types giving me funny looks whenever i order a frap with extra shots in it... they're now advertising it as one of their 'things'... oh yes, now its a an 'extra-coffee frap' as opposed to a frap with shots...

for the record, the optimum number of espresso shots for a venti frappuccino is two. extensive research has taught me that whilst three provide one hell of a caffeine kick, the frap ends up a extremely easy to suck up the straw in one go... in such instances the iced-coffee/frap line is blurred, and its not quite right...

at two, the ratio is perfect trust me on this... 

anywho, promotions are generally an indicator of forthcoming bad-times... and lower quality delivery at the point of sale... (ooh mystery-shopper-bwoi!!) 

but i was undeterred.

once upon a time, i had a very interesting extra-shot/frap type incident... i had a craving, i was on the motorway, the services had a costa not a starbucks, but i figured they had a summer coffee product and surely you can add extra coffee to that...

digit's crossed i ordered one... just the one shot (playing it safe)

i received the strangest looking frap ever... it was essentially two drinks in one cup, and any attempt to mix the two substances was met with stubborn resistance...

essentially i had the creamy-cool caramel shake type drink on the top, and a steaming hot shot of espresso in the bottom... don't get me wrong, it was a nice drink... with careful application of 'straw technique' it was possible to get both hot and cold coffee goodness into your mouth at the same time...

the effect was a lil' weird, but good...

i always attributed the non-mixing to the different 'bases' used by starbucks and costa... the costa base has some kind of uht thing goin' on, and for this reason i have generally avoided them... the starbucks base always mixes perfectly...

well, until the other day...

when at corley, my extra-coffee frap was delivered unto me as two drinks in one cup... caramel frap goodness at the top, and a cold shot at the bottom... don't get me wrong, careful application of 'straw technique' made for a delightful drinkin' experience (if not the one i was expecting)...

but isn't it weird the one place that my frappuccino ever got messed up is corley services?!

i think its more than just coincidence...

although credit where credit is due, the toilets generally only smell of brown p!ss... to date the worst service station toilet experience i've had was at northampton services...

where a herd of yeti had apparently had earth-shattering bowel movements in and around the same cubicle... that morning the foyer positively hummed of sh!t, it was in a mound coming out of the top of the bowl, painted onto the side of the bowl, and the cubicle walls and floor... (its a well known fact that a herd of yeti cannot flush) it has to have been a team effort...

and the lil' light thingy that tells you when the next inspection of the facilities is due was telling me it was 18mins overdue...

but back to corley... the second visit was a toilet stop (relentless and lemonade induced, on the way back from the gig at bell)... fair enough i suppose...

but upon entering corley for the second time in the day, i suddenly became disorientated... struggling to even remember what day it was, and totally confused as to what (if anything) i had been up to in-between times...

it was like i'd only ever been at corley...

so how do they do it...? maybe its with 'the magnets' (lasers being too expensive to deploy nationally right?)?

i don't know, but corley can't mix a frappuccino and it messes with your brain... and in addition to being science_FAKT, they're also two damn good reasons to avoid the place...

there's something not quite kosher about corley services...

fatbwoi live @ the bell 270511

word up ye crazy cats! how the devil be thee?

last night i played a lil' surprise slot at the bell, little addington... there was (obviously) some shaking of the thang, and i had me a ve'y-enjoyable time - fo' sho'

its a cracking lil' place (where stevie grew up too fact fans...)... and the pub's got skittles!!! with a net, a puck-type-thing that you throw and everything! and the surrounding countryside killed the *insert name of crappy radio station here* reception in the car... shame-dat

opened with the one about the chicken... (for an absolute shocker), and then wandered around the catalogue a bit... mark wasn't in the room so i laid down some 'sunny afternoon', mark returned and thus a slice of 'jazz hands'...

continuing the (apparent) vibe of playing stuff i haven't done for a while i did a lil' bit of 'house of corpses'... really enjoyed that! for those that don't know, its another one of those true story songs (about my block of flats) and i used to open the set with it - back in the day... 'sall 7ths and everyfink

there was some 'cyhmn' shaped hip-hop commentary, before closing with the newbie 'bite me'... its only the third or fourth outing for that one (the words are still a lil' bit fluid) but i properly enjoyed it last night, the trumpet section seemed to go down probably the best it has (even with its impromptu sugar-fuelled extension)...

all in a top night 8)

enjoyed my man stevie (and mark's) set... some quality lead licks from the mjg right about there - right on. so big thanks to stevie for lettin' me play, and maximum thanks to the crazy cats in the pub

happy time

the wheels of steel.. (a kinda lo-res last.fm)

"...so what does fatbwoi listen to?"

i get asked that all the time, usually around the point that people realise my knowledge of guitarists (and most of the regular tunes people know how to play) is *extremely* uhm,... poor

when asked to name fifteen guitarists who inspired me, i got seriously stuck around six...

and i apparently don't have the attention span to do the infamous '30 day song challenge', plus there's all the negative 'ooh name a song you hate' days which i quite frankly can't be dealing with...

so here, in a lo-res last.fm stylee (no scrobbling here - just typin') is an attempt to go some way towards answering the question... the last ten songs i listened to (like a snapshot of a moment in time...)

intergalactic - beastie boys
i want you around for this melody - gideon conn
electrobank - the chemical brothers
push th' lil' daisies - ween
stop it you're killing me - therapy?
true skool - coldcut ft. roots manuva
g.d.m.f.s.o.b. (unkle uncensored remix) - dj shadow ft. roots manuva
ooh la la - the wiseguys
million suns - ooberman
every single day - dodgy

what's up next...?

coffee

gigs in june... (and beer)

word up you crazy cats...

here-in lies the execution of my civic duty, the passing on of my proposed where-abouts so that you are given adequate notice to vacate the locality (the government has deemed that its for your own good... and they're right about everything right?!)...

its all about the beer this month... well actually its not, its almost always about the lemonade, but we shall continue... its about the beer because i am playing not one, but two beer festivals on the same weekend...

right-on...

so without further ado... gigs in june (like pigs in space, but not...)

june

sun 12th - 20.00hrs - the bat and wicket, northampton

sat 18th - 17.00hrs - the cross keys beer festival, milton keynes

mon 20th - 12.30hrs - rowell charter beer and acoustic festival, kettering

they're all free, so if you wish to thumb your nose in the face of legislation, c'mon down and shake a lil' thang... well that seriously works for me 8)

peace out y'all