some dates for your diary...

word up you crazy cats!!!

as previously established, the suits in the government have advised (initially in a white paper, the bill has now moved onto for debate the house) that i must give each and every one of you due and fair warning of any instance where upon i may be spotted shaking that thang on public...

its for your own safety...

they were also insistent that i describe it in an overwordy verbose stylee... 7 words where 3 will do?!

don't mind if i do... 8)

4th July - Broken Amp @ Adam and Eve, Birmingham

23rd July - G (off of Boomshadow's birthday bash), a secret location, probably in the midlands

20th August - Boston Tea Party, Worcester Music Festival, Worcester

28th August - Bat and Wicket, Northampton

i'll provide more details as and when they become available - its a legal obligation right about there...

peace-out y'all

fb

today's not-wednesday

today, on this previously glorious but now overcast, not-wednesday i find my mind is preoccupied with 'many' different things...

and like a kettle that has boiled, i shall pour it out thus...

1 - really shouldn't have made reference to kettles or coffee without actually having a cup of coffee in my immediate vicinity... [school-boy error right about there...]

2 - cut aubergines (or possibly courgettes) appear to smell a bit like cat-sh!t... i woke up this morning convinced that dave (still not my cat) had left me a lil' parcel on the doormat as he is wont to do... (really should stop just tossing it out of the 'communal' window)... i even opened the door expecting to be greeted by a huge laws-of-physics-defying steam-y heap-y... but it was not there.

i threw the aubergines (and courgettes) into the bin and now the smell seems to be localised around there... i have in effect made a scientific, and also highly marketable, discovery...

thus...

"do you need portable cat stink, but can't be dealing with carrying around cat droppings just on the off-chance?! well we here at bwoi industries have a solution... Porta-Stank, a vacuum sealed pouch giving you the ultimate in bad-cat-tray badness at your convenience..."

[yeah, dragon's den here we come...]

3 - the alarm that goes off every time there's a hint of thunder is going off again... [still not as good for dancing too as a washing machine, but putting a break-beat behind it was amusing for a while...]

4 - i still don't have a brew... [and the kettle still isn't boiling]

5 - squeeze's 'pulling mussels from a shell' appears to be stuck on repeat in my head... which i guess is just one of those things... top tune though, got a one note guitar solo in it too...

happy not-wednesday y'all 8) [happy not-wednesday y'all]

i'm off to go and address the not-brew issue... [damn right]

proto-roscoe music... (everyone needs someone)

ghetto's look the best...

when they've been blessed...

and spot-lit on...

a stage...

...yeah man, that's exactly how that thought looked in my head too...

listened to this a couple of times in the last few days...

i go through phases with it, its about 7 (even quite possibly 8) years old, and a genuine heavens-to-betsy example of proto-roscoe music... the importance of which will become clear later on...

short answer, is that its part of the answer to 'that' question - "what would it sound like if fatbwoi made electronic music?" (or quite possibly "what does the bwoi sound like when he's playing something else?" regardless of whether or not either of these questions were actually asked...)

this one is from my days in 'the kiosk'... we were like spiritual experimental rock/dance/alternative crossover... (quite possibly a genre before its time), a 3 piece consisting of me on sampler, synths, guitar and occasional bass; a guy called phil on battered acoustic and occasional bass; and the legend johnathan bannister on vocals, sometimes bass and assorted percussion, wind and prayer instruments... 

we had quite a few tracks, generally built around beats and deceptively complex layers of sound provided by the big red sampler... the use of which did lead to a few hairy program changes at times when i was supposed to be playing the guitar...

this is the track where i snuck a pseudo-reggae breakdown in whilst the other two were making a cup of tea... oops...

the flute at the end (when the whole 16th century vibe kicks in) is a beautiful lil' thing, and probably deserved recording in a much more professional manner than it was... but we were running this whole lo-fi trip at the time, so y'know...

but yeaman, it bounces along on its own pitch-shifted hi-hats tip quite happily, and features a judicious application of ludicrous effects... personally, i don't see what more a producer could ask for...

so if you ever wonder what i sound like armed with a sampler, as part of an experimental trio (or even if you haven't), why not give it a whirl?!

you can listen to it, and even download it for free (in glorious mp3 format), should you so desire, from last.fm... via the magic of the link below...

http://www.last.fm/music/The+Kiosk/_/Everyone+Needs+Someone

cooking prawns...

i love cooking prawns...

its a thing that i have only recently discovered... but yeaman - bwoi like that right about there!

its like a mini-magic event in your pan...

prawn goes in blue...

uncooked peeled king prawns (blue)... mine came sans citron

 throw in some crazy business...

"tonight matthew i will be adding a whole pile of garlic and juice and gubbins of a single lime to my prawns-in-a-pan..."

prawn comes out pink...

cooked peeled king prawns... levitating

magic... in a pan  

right about there...

even better than a global hypercolour t-shirt...

and the thing with the limes involved the addition of cherry tomatoes, more limes, sweet chilli sauce, spring onions... and noodles! served on (get me) a bed of baby spinach leaves...

it was lovely 8)

2008 Treer Saltair

this has got to be, quite simply, one of my favourite adverts ever... i haven't seen the bouncy bold box advert (as recorded off the tv on my mom's old school video of the animated lord of the rings, where the tv announcer helpfully points out that the studio ran out of money so couldn't make the whole story, and tells us the ending over the credits - take note peter jackson!!!), with the lady, boy and other assorted community members pushed the bouncy box down and then cracked the world's biggest-fakest shock surprise smile when it sprang back up - i was a lot younger in those days and my tastes were different...

it was mainly the 'bouncing' (bwoooow) noise i liked anyway... i do remember there being some money in the advert, probably the amount of money you would save by buying bold (the details are a bit sketchy), and older more cynical me would be more inclined to rob it or throw it at the smug grinning people as a way of discouraging them...

bad older cynical me... 8)

but it appears (for a shocker) that i have digressed...

if more adverts were like this... i would buy more stuff, and therefore in the world-view of jeffery goines be a better consumer/much-'well-er' and better adjusted individual... he is however a fictional character... who live in a mental home

marks and spencer's have been trying it for years... with their food porn. do i shop in m+s? no... because there's something so fwar fwar (foie gras) and veneered about the whole m+s thing that nothing could redeem it...

except maybe some duck sex... on a pancake, with seaweed nearby...

then i'd probably buy my crispy aromatic duck from there... but probably also be a bit put-out that i only got half a duck...

on the flip-side, show me half a duck getting it on, and i may take a bit more persuading to buy it...

BUT... if more adverts were like this... i'd definitely buy more stuff...

(and here's the science bit...)

multiply me exponentially... could even cure the global economic down-turn...

right on 8)

here come the spider people...

wicked lo-fi video by world famous visionary, mind-bending iconic leftfield director rasterpopulos for the experi-jazz creation that is 'here come the spider people' from 2008's 'experi-jazz sessions - minus one'...

the track, as too the genre, simply defy pigeon-holing, and rallies in the face of definition...

an improv recorded in mono, featuring rasterpopulos on the t-type electric and fatbwoi on vocals/acoustic 'spider people' is the final track of the minus one session (which was indeed, quite as session...), and it takes the listener back to the exact point in time where the album begins...

'plectrum in my mouth'

messing with your perception of time... man

yeah right, it would appear that the heavy session that lead to the creation of this work may also have involved a large amount of wreck-ed philosophy and a healthy smattering of conceptualising... 

far out

here comes the spider people

look at their eight arms... and lots of eyes

they are THE SPIDER PEOPLE

spider spider, spider spider, spider spider, spider spider, spider spider

here come the spi-der people...

... i need to change the sound.

my lil' rhyming dictionary...

"along came a spider... he was freaky like dracula..."

"yeah, nice rhyme keith"

you gotta love rhyming dictionaries...

at least, someone has to otherwise they'd feel all useless and lonely...

i've got one, someone got it for me as a present many many years ago, when i was just getting my head around this whole song-writing tip... and i must have used it uhm... loads of times. 

although generally for the exact opposite purpose for which it was intended... choosing words to be avoided...

mr meph soars over wittenburg (allegedly) 

i did once start writing a song exclusively using rhymes from the lil' blue book, i chose '-e(a)se' as my starting point, within the first three lines there's reference to both staples of modern song-writing... mephistopheles and journalese... (it had a proper old-skool 8-bit beat behind it - probably best we leave it at that)   

although it was probably better than my anti-limp bizkit rap song... that had some cheese-tastic distortion sample through delay... some nice word-play (complete with a tongue in cheek nod to white zombie), but terrible music...

my lil' pocket rhyming dictionary

but the dictionary... what is it about...

i just don't get it, although in this particular case it may be one of those cases of idea vs. execution, the idea itself i am properly down with... its execution, especially in this case, much less so...

but then my rhyming dictionary is pocket-sized, i know they had to filter something out to shrink it in size, and i can't help but wonder if it was the human element that was sacrificed...

it does read like it was written by a computer, quite a gormless one at that... put plainly some of the words don't actually rhyme... yes its partly dialectal variance at fault for this, they probably all rhyme perfectly when 'sung' by a bbc electron...

furthermore the word-choice with-in is at times just plain bizarre...

its a fair bet that even the slowest of songwriter would realise that any word ending with head will rhyme with another word ending in head... although you could just devote several pages to a list of x-head words, some of which were never meant to find their way into song...

here's one...

a rhyme for '-illum'...

try 'chillum' or 'vexillum'...

right... ok, so its not much of a push to get 'chillum' into a song about smoking, but i'm not sure how'd you'd wedge a refernce to a roman military standard into the same track...

and i am sure it makes words up... i'd cite one right now (the most obvious example i've ever found was 'fuckarenee'), but they hide so well within the massive lists of words and i am tired right about now, so they are not forthcoming...

there's some commercial stuff that just sounds like it was lifted from the 'world's first syrupy cheese rhyming dictionary'... proper mushy-bizzle, and personally i think there should be a law against cheese-rhyming 'heart' with 'apart', cos like everybody already been there and uhm,... done that...

there's a particular song on the wireless at the moment with rhymes so bad, they actually cause me excruciating physical pain... i have no idea what its called (maybe i have blotted that out), but i literally cannot listen to it - the songwriting is soooo laboured that even its 'adorable anthemic' pop sheen can make it worth the effort... 

matt bellamy is guilty of a few stinkers, "holes in our souls" in 'screenager' is a particular one that springs to mind... but i know that we can let him off, owing to him being a sh!t-hot guitarist and all-round good (properly frazzled) egg...

hair-cut... (bad-rhyme)

i think the problem that i have with rhyming dictionary's is that i don't tend to rhyme the last syllable of a word, it tends to be the penultimate syllable... and apparently they didn't make a book for doing that yet...

rhyming that way fits with some of the faster more staccato (rap) deliveries, and i've noticed a tendency to sometimes slur syllables into the rhyme, or move the position of the rhyme through the line...

with a fast delivery the rhyme can also be created through the phrasing of individual syllables, rather than their content... practician that!

i've also noticed that over time i have moved to longer rhyme schemes... sometimes it'll be the first and last line of a verse, or open with a couplet and then don't rhyme the end of the verse... 

its definitely more about the content than the sounds...

and there isn't a dictionary for that...