freshly bearded for the apocalypse...

"i don't get paid to believe... i get paid to [mess] [stuff] up..."

the mutant chronicles - abridged

the apocalypse is nigh...

and we're not talking about the zombie apocalypse i have been predicting, which let's face it boy-beings and girl-beings, is a quantifiable mathematical/scientific certainty...

zombies man, a mathematical/scientific certainty...

oh no... apparent there is some seriously biblical business about to go down... its the time of the rapture, according to harold camping...

harold tells it how it is... yes harold, we hear ya!

yeah apparently the second coming is gonna happen tomorrow, 21st May 2011 is the first day of judgement and millions of people are going to die whilst the righteous few ascend to heaven...

...and i got a gig!! its @ the cross keys, milton keynes - c'mon down, we is having an apocalypse party 8)

according to hc, the second coming will start with an earthquake in new zealand at 07.30 (or thereabouts), now i know that would suggest that the gig maybe in trouble as judgement day will have already begun elsewhere around the globe, but in all honesty i have reached the conclusion that nutty as he is, hc probably doesn't even acknowledge the concept of time-zones beyond the one in which he is living...

i'm not sure exactly which part of the states he lives in, but that puts him behind us meaning there should still be an opportunity for thang shakery... (ok, i just found another site which suggests hc thinks its all going to kick off at 15.00PST on saturday... we are thus fine to par-tay)



but what strikes me as a lil' weird about this situation is the fact that people have sold all of their worldly goods and sent the money to hc, such is the power of their belief that the world will end on saturday...

i heard reports today of a company which has been set-up which will, for a premium, care for the pets here on earth, after the righteous have ascended to heaven...

i've gotta be honest though, i like the way they operate... the company are offering a 10 year doomsday insurance, that covers a whole host of predicted apocalypse dates... just in case hc is wrong, and it doesn't all go down tomorrow...

but of course, with such power and conviction of belief ole' hc couldn't be wrong... could he?!

here's a lil' something i lifted from http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/Wolves/harold_camping.htm (with all capitalisation removed...)

"harold camping is a false prophet! The following are just a few of his false doctrines that have been taught, and that you would hear live on his heretical "family radio"...

1. harold camping proclaimed that the lord's return would be in 1994!

2. harold camping now proclaims that the lord's return will be on 21 may, 2011!

3. harold camping teaches that the world will end in fiery destruction on october 21, 2011!

4. harold camping (family radio) has aired mormon advertisments!

5. harold camping taught that no-one was saved between 1988 through 1994!

6. harold camping teaches that the church age ended in 1994!

7. harold camping teaches that the holy spirit is no longer working in the church!

8. harold camping teaches that every church in the world is apostate!

clearly, harold camping is not a true christian, and has fabricated his own cult... the word of god must be our final authority, and not the traditions and lies of men."

i think that just about clears everything up right? (dont know about you, but i do love a good bit of religious bickering!!)

so hc has been wrong before... the immeadiate reaction to his 'teachings' is something along the lines of...

"yo harold, what you gonna do when the sun still comes up on the 22nd?"

obviously jesus-is-saviour.com puts the ill-informed right on this, hc doesn't think that the world will cease to be on that day... more that the destruction of the earth will take about five months. call me cynical, but surely an omnipotent all-powerful god who could build all of creation in seven days would be able to destroy the earth in less than five months... especially if the righteous all ascend to be by his side on the first day...

when quizzed by a caller to his radio show, hc admitted that he did not know exactly what would happen on the 22nd, but that it would be (and this paraphrased) "hell on earth" and "millions would die"... and other such fire and brimstone phrases suggesting that it may not be a nice day...

bad times

he's not the first guy to predict the second coming... william miller predicted it would happen in 1844, some people were obviously a bit miffed when it didn't... the seventh day adventists decided that jesus had returned, invisibly (yeah right), and would make his presence felt soon (luke i can feel your presence)...

other branches of the christian faith keep bouncing the date back a lil' more each time it doesn't happen, basing the fault on misreadings or misinterpretations of the scripture...

its all a bit like nostra-whats-his-face...

personally i think a zombie apocalypse is more 'god' than this whole taking five months to wipe out the world schtick that hc is pedalling... the whole "when there's no room in hell, the dead will walk the earth" angle works better for me...

the pub is also a sweet please to hole-up for the duration...

therefore in such a case, i reckon that makes us safe to shake some thang tomorrow...

grown me a lil' beard (cos it makes me look a lil' older/scruffier delete as appropriate), dyed the top, primed the guitar, and stopped making sense...

i make that all systems go...

if you want i'll hedge some bets for us, and slip krshna says back in the set, on the off-chance that it may curry some favour with one of the other true deities... the chorus brings you closer to god, or so i've heard!!

peace-out y'all

NEXT GIG - Sat 21st May @ The Cross Keys, Milton Keynes

or find it on the bookface at: http://www.facebook.com/#!/event.php?eid=162353967162573